My mom is 96, has dementia and insists on living in her own home. I had to move to her place to help her a year ago because she had fallen several times and each time she was unable to get up by herself. Her neighbor called me and told me I would either need to come back or he would have to call adult protective services and have me charged with elder neglect. I'm all she has, there's nobody else. In my opinion she really needs to go to a nursing home, but she fights it and demands that I stay here to take care of her.
Back in February I made the decision to replace her furnace with a new floor furnace which my cousin says was a very bad decision. I have her on Medicaid Waiver since her money ran out and they are going to pay for a bathroom renovation and a new front entrance to make the house more "accessible". They are going to have to take out a closet to expand the bathroom, replace the tub with a walk in shower, change the toilet and sink around then they want to move the door and widen it. I don't like the idea of what they want to do, but it's my mom's house and she demands to be able to stay in it. I signed the authorization forms for them to start work (POA) and the agency authorizing payment for the work is in the process of taking bids from contractors.
My cousin looked at the plans and said I needed to halt the bathroom project because what they want to do is going to devalue the house as well as weaken the structure as they will be cutting through a load bearing wall which I didn't realize when I first looked at the print. Also with the front step, the plan is to break up the concrete step and build a new wood deck with a lift. I thought they were just going to put a lift on the existing step.
My cousin called me an incompetent moron and told me I have no business being here making these decisions. My mom doesn't understand what it is they want to do. I also wasn't thinking about the only bathroom being tore up for a week, I can't afford a week at the local motel plus the construction company wants somebody there while they are working.
My cousin is worried about how my mom would get along with week long renovation and then having her bathroom completely changed around plus having a closet taken out. I guess I was hoping my mom would go to the nursing home before the construction started, but that isn't too likely to happen.
I really don't want respite in a nursing home, because if I get her in there, I'll just want to leave her there for my own health. Lately my stress has been through the roof, my blood pressure has been high and I'm going to need to see a shrink to fix my head.
I'm basically stuck here 24 hours a day 7 days a week, my cousin just stops in to tell me how stupid I am, then he leaves, but he's of no real help. Finding respite help in this small town and with the COVID virus is nearly impossible, I got in trouble the other day because I went out of town and I was a little late returning. These people have schedules they need to keep so they expect me back on time every time.
I will get the house after my mom is gone because she did a Life Estate back in 2008. Changing her bathroom was NOT my idea, somebody with Medicaid said it needed to be done to keep my mom in her house longer. The agency on aging is in the process of taking bids and approving contractors for the job. It keeps going through my head if I did the right thing or if I should try to halt the project before it starts.
My cousin did ask what happens if they start the project then my mom dies. Well, I guess they stop working and leave the house without a bathroom?
Each and every single cent you spend of your Mother's money needs to be thoroughly documented and accounted for. You are a legal fiduciary and you are financially responsible now to act on your mother's behalf as she would have acted were she competent. And by the way you need PROOF she is NOT competent if you are the one ordering this work. You are responsible for keeping meticulous financial records of every expenditure, so be certain of that with all receipts.
I can't guess what work you are doing nor how competently it is being done, but you several times say your Mom needs to be in care. If she has dementia this is not HER CALL anymore, but yours, and you should be placing her.
Just my initial guess from what you are telling us. I sure wish you the best. Be certain the contractor you are using is licensed, has no complaints against his license and has all the workmen's compensation things he needs in place; if he is removing load bearing walls this could be a mess, and over and over we hear of suits against a company that simply goes out of business with no funds to pay.
This can be done safely and doesn't effect the structural integrity of the house, it just needs to be addressed in writing and request that they clarify how they will be shoring up the load bearing wall, because they need to shore it up by code.
I would also request that you get to speak with the designer that is deciding what changes are needed and find out why they are tearing out concrete steps and if they verified that they are not part of the foundation. Request that they provide a solution that doesn't remove the stairs.
You are not obligated to accept their design and you can require clarifications and changes. Point out the unnecessary expense of demolishing the concrete stairs when they can be incorporated into the new ramp and provide better support then wood.
You are doing the best you can, tell your cousin to stop being a jerk and offer solutions and not criticisms or shut up.
Perhaps it is time to walk away and report mom as a vulnerable senior that lives alone. She doesn't want to m9ve anymore then you want to be there propping her up. Whose life is more important? That depends on who you ask, because you matter as much as her, whether she thinks so or not.