My father is moderate to more advanced Alzheimer’s and lives in a state of the art Memory Care facility. He spends his day in his room rereading books and comes out for 30 minutes at mealtimes. He calls me after every meal and asks when will he see me. Unless I am there he will not join activities that he would like such as seeing a play, listening to live classical music, going for a walk (which he used to do on his own daily) or go to an exercise class. They are constantly low staffed, but almost no caregivers have a real rapport with him. Since he is relatively independent with self care it’s easy for them to just leave him alone since that seems to be what he wants. When I’m sick or away he doesn’t get out at all. Is this a common issue or more related to his particular environment?
Ask staff to stop asking him "yes/ne" questions.
Ask staff to be more proactive in getting him involved... "It's time for..." "Let's give... a try"
Ask dad to "try an activity" for a certain amount of time (10 minutes?) and he can leave after that time if he wishes, The time can be lengthened every week or 2.
Id want to spend my remaining days reading my book and watching tv, thanks.
You made me laugh...macaroni jewelry. Hully, gully baby....
I agree with Burnt Caregiver. You have to keep things separate. For example, homicide detectives dress up and wear business suits everyday to separate themselves from the crime at hand.
You have to keep that line so you can function as a professional. Let the Churches, neighbors, Choral groups, friends handle the socializing.
I remember reading about an episode in the hit series "The Sopranos". I never watched the show but there was a story about one of the actors, I think Tony whose mother was in a facility with dementia. The other residents would not invite her to play cards. He said "I'll take care of it". I'm trying to give everyone a laugh here on the platform.
Basically keep business, business.
It's too easy coming from the family orchestrating this one should be doing this for my loved one. That's not how it works. In the medical industry everyone provides their part. It's like when you go to Valvoline to get oil changed on the car.
When you go to the PCP you check-in, pay your co-pay, another person puts you on the scale, another does your vitals--the doc comes in you have 8 minutes to tell your story, and they want you out the door--next. This is how it works.
Every place is short-staff, overworked and underpaid. Until they upgrade this line of work--unionize, benefits, continuing education, uniform allowance, etc. The Asian countries are putting a lot of $$$ into these things because the elderly are valued. This will continue or decline in the U.S. since it is back breaking work without a lot of recognition or reward.
Staff got exasperated at all of their unsuccessful attempts to engage her - and one of them lost patience and described her as 'antisocial' in the hearing of another aide. That worker came back the next day to apologize for what she said. MIL told her it was OK, "I am antisocial, dear."
Pressure to attend group activities was over. 1:1 socializing in her room replaced it, and she enjoyed that.
It all comes down to what his personality was prior to illness, and how he responds to extra attention.
See if you can make regular one-on-one interactions a specific part of his care plan. Have them write out exactly what this will look like and how it will be be ensured this is occurring.
My family has learned the importance of communicating with the right people. Make no assumptions that important information is being communicated to the right people, or that intentions are turned into practice, even at a “fine” facility.
Doctors and nurses do not form personal relationships with their patients either. There is a reason for this.
People who provide care and medical services must be able to compartmentalize on their jobs. Otherwise no one would be able to get the work done because everyone would be an emotional wreck or grieving every minute of the day over someone or something. I have been a caregiver to more people than I can remember over the last 25 years. I made the mistake a few times in the early days of allowing personal relationships to form with some of my clients. When you see someone every day, especially in their home, it's hard to not think of them as a friend. It never ends well. When this happens often the client or the caregiver get taken advantage of. Keep it professional.
Professional caring is different than personal caring for someone you love or have a history with.
The family can hire a companion to go to the AL a few hours a week and spend time with the father. They will be able to report back on why he stays isolated in his room.
Years ago my dad was hit by an SUV while walking in the street. Terribly bruised up all over from the hit, flight, and crash landing through the windshield and on to the lap of the driver the worse part, especially in his condition, was the C-Diff he caught in the hospital. Until we hired a private nurse he was allowed to lay in it and he was yelled at for making a mess. That hospital gave him the bare minimum for the gift of their infection which was not cured until he was carried in arms like a baby into a specialists office that administered the potent meds he needed.
Back closer to the subject - Bringing cupcakes, smiles, recognition, remembering the names of staff and some neighbors, add heartfelt greetings and "it's good to see you" given here and there on your way to a loved one's room and especially while walking with him will make him/her more of a communal member. Ask and remember details about as many people as you can. While with your dad you can ask how a grandchild or other family member of other families are. You can turn to your dad and say "oh this is Ben his daughter just graduated from nursing school, or works for some company".
I have learned not to push her. I have to wait for the right moment.
My mom is also a little better than some of the other residents but is frightened by lots of people, loud music and large rooms. Not sure if that is the dementia or a combination of dementia and the characteristics of her life before. She would go days, on the farm, by herself, and was very content.
I cannot make her someone she is not. In my opinion, personality can make a huge impact on their choices.
Mom was never a "joiner".
The staff would explain to us that they couldn't force mom to participate.
My brothers and I didn't worry about this; it was just mom being mom.
A little staff friendliness and encouragement can go a long way too. If your father is content just hanging out in his room reading, then he should be left to it. Would it be possible to hire him a companion a few hours a week to take him out, or to attend some of the activities with him?
Maybe he socializes and has friends that he hangs out with in the evenings when there's less staff around.
I worked in a nice AL a while back. A lot of the residents didn't bother joining in the day time activities.
I worked a few night shifts and let me tell you, that place was jumping. Those old WWII guys used have the party going on in one of their rooms nearly every night. Card games, watching old movies (one guy had a huge flatscreen tv in his room). Those guys always knew where to get a bottle and some snacks and party time. Some of the ladies would show up too.
The AL's regular 2nd-shift worker pretty much stayed in the office watching tv herself and napping. The 3rd-shift lady was just a 'sleep duty' aide so someone was in the building. So the folks who were still able pretty much did whatever they wanted to at night.
These guys rarely left their rooms during the day other than for meals, doctor's appointments, and maybe some occasional daytime drinking down at the VFW. I remember one adult daughter of one of the guys was very concerned that he was lonely and not making friends. I told her don't worry about 'John'. He's the life of the party after hours and explained that afterhours is when these guys socialized.
Could your father maybe be hanging out with some residents after hours too?
I guess that since you can't really make obscene phone calls anymore, you have to take to the internet for your jollies.
Guess what Cover? NOBODY thinks you're funny.
https://story.californiasunday.com/covid-life-care-center-kirkland-washington/
Theres a very interesting segue in why a senior might decline activities. For instance, some people do not naturally enjoy parties, and in a dementia wing, they might be too juvenile.
If dad is declining activities to read his book in peace or watch tv by himself, he shouldn’t be forced into an activity room where he has to deal with other people all day. The home should offer daily, but they shouldn’t make him.
If they ‘leave him alone since that seems to be what he wants’, I am wondering if he ‘showtimes’ for you. That doesn’t mean he should be isolated, but perhaps might mean that the staff might think your expectations are a bit unrealistic. It's good for everyone to understand each other.
I agree with isthisrealyreal: call a care conference immediately and don't listen to the incessant excuses about being 'short staffed'. We're all SICK TO DEATH of covid excuse #3,452,111. Why are we still PAYING top dollar at these places then, if there's no staff to interact with our folks? Answer that question, executive director!
Best of luck making your voice heard and your expectations known.
He should be encouraged to do activities and he should be engaged by the caregivers.
I would have a care meeting and tell them they are being paid for care and ALL the above is part of that care. You want him encouraged and prodded to participate. Don't ask him if he wants to, tell him it's time for...
One of the whole points of facility care is to stop a senior from being isolated,they are failing him miserably.
Talk to the administrators and see what ideas they have about coaxing him out of his room once in a while.