My mom is 83. She lives in the house me and my hubby own while we stay in a temporary mobile home right next door under a temporary health permit. She is disabled and must use a walker. She can't do much in the way of housework but she can still drive. She also has a gambling problem. She has and continues to blow thousands of dollars a year at the casino but then complains about not having the money to do other things (like have her cats groomed once a year for $160). I feel like I shouldn't be obligated to help her financially under these circumstances. Am I wrong?
You are providing your gambling addicted mother with a home. She can drive but can't do housework? Who says?
She's an addict. And a user.
I concur that if she can maneuver driving, she can do some other things in the home.
I would imagine the casino requires some navigating and dexterity that seems to magically appear.
You are being taken advantage of.
Now, where to start to change it.
I'm glad you are content to live as you are but the whole arrangement still seems to me to leave your mother with the better side of this bargain. Bottom line is you absolutely are not obligated to pay her debts. The trouble is what happens if you don't - will she continue to overspend? And if she's pressed for funds might she renege on her rent and utilities?
(you seem upset at the shocked responses you've had but take a moment and realize that your question as it is written sounds absolutely outrageous to many of us)
The shoe is going to drop here in a giganto way. And you are going to be stuck with a giant mess.
The responses you getting are from the heart. Many have been in similar circumstances and are trying to warn you.
Thats why I asked if your question was a joke. I dont understand why you would ask if you should feel guilty, which would imply that that you were doing something wrong.
No you are not obligated to help your mother out financially. Nor are you obligated to help her with the housework, grocery shopping, meal preparation laundry etc. (you have not said who is doing it).
It maybe worth your time to go over Mum's finances and do up a budget for her. Even knowing she will not be able to stick with it. If you are in the US and she may need Medicaid in the future, I doubt spending thousands at the casino will pass the 5 year look back.
It is your home and it is reasonable that you insist that she maintain a level of cleanliness in it. If she is incapable or unwilling to do housework, then she needs to budget to have a cleaner come in and pay that before heading off the the casino.
It is very difficult to do housework when a walker is needed for balance. My Dad uses a cane and cannot push a broom. It is physically impossible for him. The same applies to washing dishes (hard to do one handed), so he sort of rinses them. And all other housework needs a degree of balance and generally two hands.
In the most polite way I may proffer. Pull your head out.
I want one of those roombas. Not in the budget though.
Just curious, who grooms their cats? I have never heard of that.
You may have to tell her that if she really cared and wanted it done she should handle that 1st and go to the casino AFTER she has done what is needed.
My heart goes out to you, I was raised by a gambler and it is the only thing that matters to her this day. I had to tell her she better start saving money or she will be a ward of the state. She would not care if I ended homeless and in the gutter as long as she could gamble, she lives in Vegas and refuses to move. I feel like it has to get hard and really uncomfortable for her before she will maybe get a grip.
So, don't give her any financial assistance and don't feel bad in the least. You are doing nothing wrong and being truly kind and generous with all you and your husband are doing.
Hugs! It's a horrible situation to be involved in.
I think I will put that to her about becoming a ward of the state but I don't have much hope for it helping. My sister was once a drug addict and I learned then that addictions take priority over EVERYTHING. Thankfully she recovered from that. At 83 I don't think my mom will.
Thanks for your response and hugs back to you!
Either way, she may need you to help safeguard her finances. A budget is a good idea, as suggested. Think of it like sort of an intervention. Perhaps a certain amount of spending money per month proportionate to her expenses, and when she runs out, that's it until next month. It would probably be wise to look into her IRS situation too. Depending on her winnings, she could owe quite a bit if it's been a long-term thing. It wouldn't hurt to sit down with your mom with an attorney and an accountant to find out where things stand, and plan now for needing Medi-Cal.
And no, you should definitely not be paying for her expenses out of your own pocket. It will probably eventually come to her needing the Medi-Cal, but until then, her expenses for her needs and bills should come out of her funds (taking precedence over the gambling) until those run out and Medi-Cal is in place.
She's still pretty sharp mentally but I'm starting to notice little things that would indicate that the short term memory is starting to decline a little.
We're now looking for a local elder care attorney to discuss MediCal, her Trust and other issues.
My answer....NO you are not obligated to help her financially. To me seems like you have it pretty much under control. You get rent that pays her expenses. You seem happy to be living in a MH, and some of them are very nice. Those RVs are very nice.
I would not let her starve or do without basic necessities and I don't think you would either. As she gets more immobile she won't be able to get out anyway and I wouldn't be driving her to the Casinos. When her car dies, I wouldn't get her another. There r Senior buses.
You are going to see a lawyer concerning her future...I think you have it all together so please don't feel guilty.