My 90-yr-old mother has late mid-stage dementia and aphasia. I have been caring for her in her home for two weeks every month and then my brother has her in his home for the other two weeks. When she is at his house, she is confused, does not know who he is, and constantly wants to "go home". Sometimes when he brings her back to her home, she does not know where she is or where the bathroom is.
I know routine is crucial for a person with dementia, along with familiar surroundings. Recently, my brother has told me that he can no longer have Mom at his home. He says caring for her is too stressful for him. And, truthfully, Mom's hygiene is not at the top of his list since he is a male, which is a negative for Mom. He says we need to place her or her care will be 100% my responsibility.
I found a Memory Care facility about 5 miles away from my home. There are 4 memory care "cottages" that house a maximum of 16 people. There are 3 caregivers during the day and 2 at night, plus the House Manager is always there. All the residents' rooms open on to the common area. They can see the dining area, the activity area, the TV area, etc. as soon as they open their door. No long halls to wander or get lost in. The cottages are really nice and she will have a private room with a private bath. As a bonus, this facility has had NO COVID! I can do an in-room visit as long as I have had a Covid test within the last 14 days. There are also patio visits and window visits that don't require Covid testing for me.
I have spoken to a woman who lives near me whose husband is a resident of Memory Care at this facility. She says he is well-cared for, the caregivers who work in his cottage are wonderful (caregivers are assigned to one cottage and do not work in the other cottages), the food is good and they keep him clean. There are activities every thirty minutes.
The problem is me. In my mind, I keep seeing Mom there, confused as to where she is, afraid, lost, alone and feeling abandoned. No doubt, she will cry and beg to "go home". She might even pack her things and sit in the lobby, waiting for someone to "rescue" her. Just thinking about this breaks my heart. However, there is that remote chance that she will adapt and like it there with a routine and schedule that she does not have with me.
I love my Mother and have been caring for her for almost 5 years now. I know she is not going to get better and that caring for her will most likely get to the point where I can no longer do it. She needs socialization, people her own age to relate to. Covid is a concern, for sure. That's one of the reasons I have not had in-home care for her.
Am I being selfish to consider placing her in MC? I am 71 and my significant other is by himself for two weeks each month as it stands now. He has not complained but, I think after 5 years, his patience is wearing thin. He says placing her in this facility is a "no-brainer". It is close to me, beautiful, has a good reputation and I have a personal recommendation from someone who has a loved one there. She won't have the love I can give when I care for her, but she will receive better care than I can give her. Why am I so conflicted?
You may feel conflicted about not being able to care for your mother anymore. Many families have a value of caring for their own seniors at home. Usually, this burden may fall on the women in the family. When families were bigger and extended family lived in close proximity, many family members could take turns to care for a senior that required 24/7 care. That standard is hard to maintain without "the other family members" to share the burden with. Maybe it would help to shift your value from having to personally provide care to making sure your mom receives quality care. It appears that you will be one to see her frequently and will make sure she is doing well. If you are willing to do so, you are serving her in ways she can not do for herself.
the foundation to sanity for Mom. Hurry with the transfer.
Your comment that “she won’t have the love(you) can give” may be true but definitely may not.
My mom was cherished in her care setting.
You are ”conflicted” because you DO love her dearly. I agree with your SO. GO FOR IT.
I have been caring for my mother for 2 years also, after a moderate stroke. I have the same concerns about placing her somewhere because of all the horror stories, but reading this thread has me wanting to look into a good MC facility. During the summer days, my mother loves to be outside walking, or sitting in the porch rocking chair, but during the winter, she hates the cold and cannot get outside. So she just sits around, watches a little TV, walks a little in the house, but is not interested in reading, puzzles, playing cards, etc, all the things she loved before dementia took hold. So maybe a MC place could provide activities she could enjoy. One of my questions (among many) is how do you all AFFORD it??? I have looked online and the average cost is $5000 PLUS per month? My mother isn't poor by any means, but the cost would deplete her savings in a few years. Does anyone have knowledge of help with the cost? She has Medicare and a supplement, but I do not think it covers dementia care.
Consulting an Eldercare attorney who is familiar with Medicaid in your state can be very useful in this process.
The difference in her was remarkable. The facility reviewed her meds and took her off several that had sedating side effects. She went from sleeping all day to being alert and talkative. Mom enjoyed the crafts and watching TV in the
common room.
Now that a Covid vaccine is available you should definitely consider placing your Mom. Social isolation is terrible for the elderly. Your Mom might have a few weeks of being unhappy and disoriented but it is worth it in the long run.
When my mom, at 90 (she was then the resident of a very nice Independent Lving community, where, contrary to my fears, THRIVED on the socialization and good food) had stroke and then fell, breaking her hip, I was convinced that admitting her to a NH was going to be the end of her. Amazingly, mom bounced back, learned to walk with a walker due to wonderful therapists and contrary to all those dismal statistics, lived there happily for 4 1/2 years.
The best thing was that there was no more stressful shleping her out to podiatry, hairdressers, dentists, psychiatry and the like. Almost all of her medical care was on site (even audiology and optometry) so that those stressful "let's get mom bundled up and take her out in the wheelchair in snowy Connecticut" trips were no longer necessary.
These folks are pros at settlling elderly folks in. It isn't like you are consiging her to some dungeon. The great thing about congregate care, in my opinion, is that there are many eyes on the situation, including supervisors. There is accountability to government oversight. Yes, there are horror stories, but it sounds like you have found a great facility.
I wish you well going forward with your plan.
I think you really have answered your own question "Why am I so conflicted? - She won't have the love I can give when I care for her, but she will receive better care than I can give her.
Everything else is as near perfect as it's going to get: MC facility is 5 miles away from your home, she'd be in a cottage with her own private room/bath, you actually know a woman whose husband is getting great care there, there's no COVID which is truly amazing in and of itself, you would be provided with several ways of doing visits, she'd be around others her age and there are activities every half hour - WOW!
No doubt, it's hard but please don't put the cart before the horse. You already have her packing her bags and sitting in the lobby waiting to be rescued - maybe or maybe not. You could do Facetime with her to see how she's responding to a new environment, let her know how close you are to the facility, tell her positive things in an enthusiastic manner as they will pick up on your own attitude. Believe me, I was 53 when I had to put my mom in an ALF and currently she is almost 96 and in MC. She likes where she's at and told me she was comfortable there - I never thought I'd hear those words.
Sometimes, it's more that WE need to adjust with the change that makes it so difficult. My mom's facility often sends pictures of her painting a bird house, making a craft for Thanksgiving, celebrating on New Year's Eve in the afternoon with snacks/drinks and a special 2021 hat. It always makes me feel good because she didn't do that at her previous facility.
The reality is we will have to let go "sometime" or our own health and relationships will suffer.
So it's the "love" that you and only you can give her when you take care of her that would be missing. Find other ways to show that "love" as a daughter instead of just a caregiver.
I wish you both the best!
(almost makes me want to move in)
No one likes to "give up" and I think when caregivers decide to place their loved on in Memory Care it feels like we have given up.
No one likes to think that someone can care for XXXX better than I can and when you decide to place your loved one it seems like you are admitting that someone CAN take better care of XXXX than you can.
It is time for you to take care of you and your significant other and enjoy a bit of time together without having to worry about mom.
And I am sure that after 2 weeks away you spend the next 2 weeks getting caught up on things around your house then preparing to leave and care for mom again. Not a great way to spend the little time you have with your SO.
Mom will be a bit confused to begin with. She may decline a bit. But it sounds like this is a safer option for you as well as for her. You can not care for her full time.
NO you are not being selfish!!!
My SO is over-the-moon that placing Mom is at least in the planning stages. You are exactly right: I spend two weeks at home catching up on doctors' appointments, laundry, cleaning, etc. Then I have to get in "go back to Mom's house" mode.
I know she will be confused about this new place. I hope she does not decline, but it will probably happen. I pray there is someone there she can be friends with. I have no idea what I will do when I visit the first time and she cries and begs to go home. This decision should not be so difficult for me!
I moved Mom to a skilled nursing facility, and they, too, allowed her to stay in her room and be isolated. Again, if I'd left her there, she'd be dead by now. After seven months I moved her to a MC. She's been there for 18 months, has had activities, adapted to her surroundings pretty quickly, and until last month was doing remarkably well. (She's finally declining through no fault of the facility.)
Please do what's best for everyone and place her at the MC facility. They're experts at getting her acclimated, she'll have all the perks you already know about, and you'll be freed up to just love on her.
Thank you for reminding me that the MC staff are trained in dealing with residents with dementia. They most likely have a lot of "tricks of the trade" that I certainly don't. And maybe care coming from a "professional" will be better received than coming from the daughter. Being freed up" just to love on her" sounds like a wonderful idea!
I also love MYSELF and my DH and value our lives together, which are equally as important as my 94 y/o mother's life, and I recognize that God gave us these lives to live fully and completely, and not to be slaves to another's comfort in old age.
Every life matters. Not just the elder's life.
Most all demented elder's want to 'go home'. It has nothing whatsoever to do with a place, but a point in time where things were different and confusion wasn't the predominant factor.
Many, many demented elders pack their bags daily waiting to 'go home' too, which doesn't mean their unhappy or miserable, just wanting to go back to a point in their past where life was different. They can do that in Memory Care or at home. They tend to also rummage through their drawers 'looking for' things that don't even exist. Attribute this behavior to the disease, and not to something YOU are doing 'wrong' or something YOU can miraculously change.
Accept and grieve the fact that you lost your mother long ago to dementia. She's gone; the woman you once knew is no longer. Place her where SHE can get the greatest level of care and attention/activity and interaction with people in the same situation she is in. That's ALL you need to focus on. She's not going to remember where she is, whether it's in your house, your brother's house, the Memory Care..........or the moon. So as long as she's in a safe place, a clean place, an upbeat place where caregivers are there to help her, where can eat and sleep in peace, THAT is your prime concern. Not whether she's getting 'loved' properly or whether she's at 'your home' or her 'son's home' and on and on. She has a disease and IT takes precedence, nothing else. Treat it accordingly.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward, with no guilt, no looking back, and feeling good about being able to visit your mom as often as you'd like. And being able to leave when you need to, also. Remember the need to care for YOURSELF here, too.
I sometimes see glimpses of pre-dementia Mom in her comments, but that is rare. It is so sad. You certainly have given me a lot to think about.
She will have a team of caring, trained folks looking after her needs, people who understand dementia. She will have socialization with a wider variety of folks than she can possibly have in a private home. She will have you, her loving daughter, who can go back to being her loving daughter and advocate.
Mom is not going to be 'at home' wherever she's placed b/c she no longer probably remembers 'home'. My sweet granddad was always asking to go home and he WAS home. When he was moved to a NH in his neighborhood, he still asked to go home.
This sounds like an ideal fit for mom. Put your sense of guitl behind you, take the opening and spend whatever time you feel is right with mom.
You cannot make her better, in fact, the constant moving may make her worse (not trying to guilt you, but stating a simple fact). Routine is what will help her the most. And having 'fresh' kids to visit her--whether she remembers you or not, will also help.
My mother’s Memory Care facility is similar to the one you are looking at.
It sounds like your brother is seeing things for how they really are. Your life is in an upheaval, and things will only get worse. 2 weeks are looking like they are leading to 4. What then?
You want your life back. Time to take it.