I have been caring for my mom by myself for 7+ years. I have been starting to feel caregiver burnout lately. My boyfriend, who has been VERY UNDERSTANDING, has said that he thinks I need to talk to someone professional. I don't think so. I mean being able to be on this site has really helped me and I don't really see how talking to a professional will help me. They will probably want to give me drugs, which I don't want. I really value the people on here because unlike a "professional psychiatrist" you all KNOW what I am going through.
I guess I should tell you what the issue is with my mom. She has started smoking again. She is on 3 different types of b.p. meds because of the strainon her heart from the sstrain on her lungs. No heart disease-yet. But she and I fight about the cigarettes. She stopped with the help of the patches. I want her to live a long life, but I fear that the cigarettes are shortening her life. What do I do? Keep buying and making them for her knowing that they are killing her. Or do I fight her about every cigarette she smokes? I have always been the accommodating child. But I am at a loss here. This is why my boyfriend said I need to talk to a professional. So that is why I am asking all of you---my professional people. I will take all of your opinions over a professional any day. Please tell me what I should do.
Ask your Mom what does she get out of smoking? Does it make her feel calmer? If yes, then that tells me it is the action of deeply inhaling... one can get the same affect with a soda straw cut in half.
Or is it a strong physical need created by the nicotine? If yes, then that is much harder to deal with. You need to find something else for her to do whenever she gets that strong urge to smoke.... even if it means eating something with a lot of calories... better to put on some weight then to be pulled down by lung damage by a cigarette.
You mentioned you Mom had started smoking "again". So that also tells me she can quit. Do you know what happened in her life to make her start smoking once again?
Seeing a professional does not necessarily mean that you need to be on any medication, but talking it through it may help you to get a better perspective on your family dynamics and find solutions that work for you, something that you may not accept hearing from your boyfriend and that you may be too close to see clearly for yourself.
SO LET ME ASK THIS QUESTION: do I continue to buy her cigarettes and learn to NOT have guilt over her killing herself or do I let this eat me up?
would your mom put her foot down about your food fondness ? im thinking probably not . i think an effective caregiver should honor the will
of the patient , above all .
when you get old you firstly lose the desire for things that you once enjoyed . secondly , you realize that youve ran your race . you done good , gave it your all . living the remainder of your life as you see fit becomes more important than longevity . who wants to be bullied around in a nursing home for a decade anyway ?
ive had a few prolonged sober spells during my lifetime . trust me . after about 4 - 5 yrs of it youre saying " im sober .
, YEAAA "
its a QOL thing .
sober and miserable ..
im almost getting old enough to speak from the mindset of the patients . they dont need your crap , ( no offense intended ) as they see it you have issues too .
when my dad was dying , my near sister was trying to sell him on the prospect of drinking tons of water . she looked like a water balloon about to pop and was blithering like a maniac . dad was near death and short on patience anyway . he asked the hospital staff to keep that idiot out of his room -- and who the hell would want to resemble her anyway ?
Zena, how does her smoke affect you? You can take care of yourself, and keep safe. Lassie asked some good questions around it.
Smoking has some benefits, but side effects are awful. When my first husband and I were told he had cancer (bone marrow) I cried for 3 days. Two of those days I had to work, so I picked up smoking again. Every 2 hours I would go outside and have one cigarette. It kept me from crying for the next 2 hours, but no longer than that. So I postponed dealing with the feelings till later, and went through craving the smokes as I stopped again. Feelings that aren't dealt with for a long time make us very sick, so I get help when I can't figure it out myself. Sometimes from a friend, once in awhile from a counselor.
If she's living with you, the house is a SMOKE FREE zone. That's non-negotiable. If you're living with her, it's going to be a 24/7 catfight -- in installments. ... And your man isn't going to hang around long enough to see how it ends if you don't stop being so accommodating ... and obstinate.
Draw the line. Next time she lights one up, take it out of her mouth.
Problem. 1. The house is mom's
Problem 2 . The cigarette $ is mom's
Problem 3 . Second hand smoke is deadly
Question
What was the motivation to quit the previous time?
Can the same motivation help this time?
I, personally, and since Zena asked, I think that smoking is an addictive and nasty habit to have. It's dirty in every way.
Yes, the captain will say : we are all dying -true -, but I wouldn't sprinkle my food with a little bit of rat poison every day, just because we're all dying.
If you buy them, then endure the nasty consequences.
If you don't, brace yourself to deal with the crankiness of mom.
Put her back on the patches, like you did in the past!
Hugs,
M88
I've tried everything to help her to quit. I ordered the patches for her. I bought her sugar free lollipops to help with the oral fixation. I've written her letters expressing my concerns about the future of her health. But the fact of the matter is is that she doesn't wanna quit. They have to WANT to quit. It's sucks because it's like we're watching a love one commit a slow suicide. Believe me I KNOW your frustration. I'm still coming to terms and learning to just accept things. I'm not saying we should give up on our mothers, but we need to realize they're just some things we can't change.
I think finding a therapist could be a really good outlet for you. You might not even need medication. Sometimes just learning better coping mechanisms can make a world of difference. My old therapist was AMAZING. She was very laid back and chill, she had a great sense of humor. I learned a lot from her. Even though we talked about a lot of serious and depressing things she added some much needed levity to our sessions, which helped a lot, because I have a very melancholic temperament and I can be rather intense. So, you know therapy doesn't always have to be a drag or this huge thing. If nothing else it can just be a place for you to blow off steam in a judgment free zone.
Anyway I'm sending you and you mom lots of good vibes and I hope something clicks and she quits for good :))
If you can get her to stop smoking and she wants to do so again...tell her she is a nonsmoker and it is odd that she would want a cigarette. This tactic worked on me as I smoked for 21 years and quit cold turkey 20 years ago. It was hard but telling myself I was a non smoker and that it was strange I would want a cigarette stopped me from lighting up ever again. I also kept a log of what smoking would cost me and put that money away for awhile...then I bought some nice clothes and took a trip. I wonder if such an incentive of buying something she would like instead of cigarettes would work with her?
I have never smoked but had friends who did, and I remember them telling me that one brand tasted between than another. So I am thinking, ask your boyfriend what brand of cigarettes did he find tasted the worse.... then buy your Mom those cigarettes. Tell her her brand wasn't available so you bought her Camels or is she a Camel user already. And be ready to deal with the guilt.
My concern is for the future as dementia will only get worse, and we wouldn't want Mom to be a fire hazard to everyone in the household. If she is in her very late years, I would say don't bother, let her smoke until you find she is being careless. If she is still young, then you don't want to see cigarettes be the death of her.
When is she going to get there?
Since she's a smoker... are you prepared.....or preparing for what just lies ahead?
Do you and your sister get along pretty well or..........??? Thanks. !
M88