Gershun Asked January 2015
Should I withhold bad/sad news from my Mom (91)?
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I was notified that my Mom's 89 yr. old sister just died. They were very close. I let my Mom know and now I wonder if I've put her health in jeopardy by telling her. They had not been in touch recently due to declining health for both of them. Should I of just not said anything?
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doc wanted to get my mom to a prescribing phsyc docs only days before her death . mom refused and i refused to trick or deceive her . had i deceived her there would have been no one else she could rely on for the truth . she put her well being in my hands because im honest . i took that as one h*ll of a compliment .
Last year my Mom [at that time 96] learned her sister [100] had passed on... Mom took the news ok, but I have noticed this year she has slowed down a lot but I had to keep reminding myself that she is now 97, that is going to happen.
In any case, you can't go back and untell her. Just watch her behavior and attitude and comfort her as appropriate. Also don't be surprised if she just doesn't seem to remember this bit of news.
Your mom may also be feeling her own mortality with the passing of her sister. That may be a part of her sadness. It's tough, but there's not much you can do about that.
My Mom told me today that she was dreaming about her sister all last night and she said she woke up crying. She sounded like she had been crying too. I feel so bad for her.
Here's a scenario for you - true story:
My father had one sister and one brother. Dad passed away in January 2013, and our cousins, who cared for his brother, were reluctant to tell him. We, as a family, insisted that he be informed. It was a mistake. My uncle was in the later stages of dementia with severe short-term memory loss and couldn't remember or recognize any family members if he saw them. He would light up with delight and happiness if we visited and told him who we were, but 10 minutes later, would ask who we were again. He spent his last months asking when his brother would visit again...then he would say, "Did he die? He died, didn't he.", and he would cry and relive the loss of his brother all over again. It was horrible, and we wish now that we had never told him. My uncle became very depressed and withdrawn...then his leg had to be amputated due to his diabetes and he passed away about 2 months later - only 10 months after my father died. So we lost them both in the same year, and I am convinced that if we had not told my uncle about my dad's death, he might have held on a little longer. He was heartbroken.
I wish we could have talked with you before you told your Mom about her sister. My hope for you (and her) is that she forgets you told her, and will go back to normal. I would definitely do as otehrs have suggested here - if she brings it up or seems to be depressed over it, take out old photo albums or momentos of her younger days and have some good times remembering, and try to blot out the fact that her sister is gone. Help her remember the good times.