My mom went into AL about 3 weeks ago after having in home care for about a year. She is NOT liking it!! A year ago she was walking with a walker and fairly independent. Now she uses a wheelchair and needs assistance to get around. She cannot propel it herself. We got her an electric wheelchair so she would feel like she had more freedom but she is reluctant to use it. She won’t socialize, go to meals and has no interest in changing her attitude. She is in a nice place (apartment style) and the staff for the most part are good to her. They are usually pleasant when they come but often take longer than I think they should to answer her call button. (30 minutes plus…is that normal?) She is in constant pain with her many ailments. When she went into AL she was a 1 person (caregiver or myself) assist. Since being in AL she has gotten worse and now requires 2 people to go to bed, get out of bed or use the bathroom. Since she is a 2 person assist they require her to do PT and OT to get stronger. This makes her hurt more! If she doesn’t do therapy she can’t stay at this AL. (They are only licensed for 1 person assist.) I personally think a lot of her problems are due to depression. If she was happier I think she would go back to being a one person assist. My mom has no desire to live because she is in such pain. We have tried pain management to no avail. We are hoping to get another appointment with a different doctor hoping he/she will have more ideas/options. She doesn’t want to take depression medication since she took it a few years ago and it made her a zombie. She also doesn’t think she is depressed. On top of all of this she smokes and is able to smoke on her patio just outside her door however winter is coming and she will hate going outside!! Now that she is in AL I am only 15 minutes away. If she goes back home with 24 hour care she is 45 minutes away. She also lives in a remote area where as now she is in a city that has bus transportation to dr appointments, shopping or even going out to lunch. It is next to impossible to get her in and out if a car.
Bottom line…I want her to be happy and ideally pain free. The pain may not go away but she can be happy again. Do I bring her home with caregivers or “force” her to stay in AL or a nursing home? Caregivers at home are quite a bit of $$$$ and no guarantee she will be happy and most likely she will still be in pain. Bringing her to my house is out of the question due to her smoking!
You cannot control her happiness. You are correct. Bringing her home is no guarantee of happiness. She is elderly and things are not going to get better. In fact they will get worse and there will be more losses, more pain and more unhappiness. I am 82. I can assure you that aging is not about h-a-p-p-i-n-e-s-s. That isn't how aging is spelled. It is spelled in capitals: L-O-S-S.
You tell your mother you are very sad that she isn't happier. That you understand her losses, her grief, her mourning. That she should perhaps see a doctor to see if a mild anti-depressant might help a bit. You tell her that you mourn all this and it is hard to stand witness to her unhappiness, but that this is now the best, in fact the ONLY option. Let her know that running out of money in a home care situation would mean a nursing home, and that would be devastating.
Ultimately, and if she argues with you, you will tell her again that you are sorry, and that this is the best that can be done now.
That's it.
No happiness, no cheering, no banners, no parties. This is about TRYING to pull SOME contentment out for the time we must remain. And I stress the "must" because some of us long for an option. Your mother is burdening with the yoke that is too heavy because she believes you may have an answer. You DO NOT have the answer. THERE IS NO ANSWER.
I am so sorry. But your mom has had her life. Do not let her ruin yours. Do not throw your own life and contentment on her burning funeral pyre. She has no right to that. I say that as an 82 year old mom. Mom's generally come in two types. One will burden you with their own burden and one will lie and tell you "Yeah. Things are good!". You happen to have drawn the former. I am sorry for that because it causes children to feel things they should NOT have to carry.
Your Mom may not be capable of being happy again , and that’s ok . She doesn’t have a lot to be happy about due to age , pain , immobility .
If Mom can’t afford homecare then that’s out of the question .
Unfortunately it sounds as if Mom may need SNF nursing home if she can not do PT OT .
See what the new pain doctor says . And does Mom know she needs to improve to stay in AL , rather than go to a nursing home where she would most likely share a small room ? Perhaps it would motivate her . Or perhaps she will say she’s in too much pain for PT .
Some more time will tell .
You don’t say what her medical conditions are or if she may qualify for hospice .
What kind of pain is she in? The kind that countless doctors and tests and specialists haven’t been about to diagnose or treat?
So she gets cold when she smokes … (let’s not mention the link between smoking and chronic pain). Everybody knows smoking improves your health and happiness, right?). Maybe if she’s uncomfortable, she’ll do it less. If she has to figure out the bus or AL transport system to get herself cigarettes in the winter … she has 2 choices. Quit or learn.
We can’t expect our mothers to choose being happy if they’ve spent their lives choosing the opposite. My mother is who is in my minds eye as I type this. There are so many positives to AL if you choose to engage in them. I hope to afford AL myself eventually .. and will choose to participate in the community of AL. My mother chooses very differently and is miserable and complaining on a couch in her Al Apartment. But thinking back, that’s how she was in her home too. I shouldn’t have expected any different.
What is your mother pressing the call button for? If it’s not an emergency they should be running down the hall for - 30 is pretty good! Imagine that all the residents are pressing that call button for non emergency items all day and night long … and then there’s an occasional emergency in there .. and then think about how fast is reasonable for somebody to get to her place. I don’t know what’s reasonable, but I can imagine the variety of calls that come in; the ones that are like my Mom would be complaining nonstop while thinking they deserve the care the queen of England received.
I’d leave her where she is and adjust your expectations of her. If this is who she is - you’re only going to make yourself miserably hoping for a change. Put a little more time between your visits. When you visit can you get lunch with her at the cafeteria so she experiences it with you next to her?
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