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I have been care giving my mom for 13 years! In nc. I told my sister that I had to have heart procedures In feb2024, told. Said she couldn’t come to march2024, she had vacation trip??? I told if she didn’t come , mom would have to go to assisted living / nobody here to take care of mom. I’m the only one!! She texted back that I was a bully— that she would come get her Jan 24,2024, , so she’s had her Since then.. I had aortic va vle plastic to open aortic valve , After procedure I had stroke/ could not talk for 4days. Stayed hospital 6 days, released feb6 .. had to wait get aortic valve replaced!!’ Then on March
13 had chest pain/ emergency room, then on March 15 Had “TAVR” Transcather aortic valve replacement!! In Icu4 days! Then on mach17 2024 , had another stroke— this time my left leg and left arm affected!! - was released From hospital On March 20 ,2024! Now have about90 percent speech back— 80 percent leg/ arm use! Going to cardio rehab for12 weeks ! Then on April 10 2024 my sister texted me “ that mom wanted to come home “ my sister said her plan was to bring her to Norfolk airport On may1 2024 and for me to pick her up??? I have told my sister that I would be at my son’s house Last week in April and all of may -( 3 times) ?? Told her no one would be at mom’s house , there is nobody else but me to caregive for mom!!’ As I have been caregiver for 13 years—- mom was seeing people before she left( for last 2 years) every time she has UTI .. also legally blind,, also she spreads “feces) All over house , kitchen sink , front room carpets Her bed!!! I cannot clean up feces/ deal with her utis/ seeing people!!! Told sister earliest” might be” june1,2024. But with 2 strokes/ heart problems ,pancreas/ thyoid - my sister is my moms caregiver Now whether she wants to be or not!! Truthfully I may never be able to caregive for my mother— if sister brings her back”” mom will have to go to assisted living!!! That’s reality

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Are you your Mom's PoA? If not, is your sister? Is anyone? This is the person who must find and transition her into facility care. Your sister clearly doesn't know what she's doing nor is she interested in learning.

It would be helpful to know if your Mom has a PoA. The ensuing advice will be based upon this information.

I'm glad you are recovering and will be spending time with your son. YOu've done yeoman's work on behalf of your Mom and you deserve the peace and rest going forward.
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You know full well you cannot take on this care.
Whether you and sister get together and decide just where and when to place your mother, as you both should now do, is up to you.

We can have an opinion, but cannot help. My own opinion is that you and your sister should come together and pledge to support one another in the end of your mom's life by getting her safely in care, and support one another in what may be YOUR OWN end of life care, because one never knows. As a recipient of a recent new case of cancer I guarantee you that.

Life is short. Be kind and good to one another. Be honest with your mother. Understand your limitations. It doesn't matter if others accept your limitations or not. They are yours to own. You have responsibility for YOUR OWN LIFE.

I honestly wish you the very best of life and happiness. You, your sis, AND your mom.
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You can not under any circumstances take care of your mother any longer.
If you are Mom’s POA you can legally give it up citing due to your own health problems you will no longer be able to take care of Mom , nor can you manage to arrange other care for Mom .

If you are POA , I strongly suggest you go to a lawyer and legally give it up because even if you placed your mother in assisted living, there is work to be done that is too much for you.

Under no circumstances do you pick mother up or let your sister bring Mom to your house . You will have to tell your sister you can not participate in any care or arrangements of placing your mother . Your sister will have to place your mother in assisted living or Mom stays with your sister . Shame on your sister for expecting you to take care of Mom again.
She is not being considerate of your serious medical conditions. You are correct, the reality is that your caregiver days are over.

I’m sorry you are going through this .
You have done enough .
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waytomisery Apr 14, 2024
Your sister said Mom wants to go home to her home . It doesn’t matter what Mom wants . Mom needs care and no one , neither you nor your sister has to do hands on caregiving . If your sister decides to keep Mom in her home that’s her decision . Although it does not seem your sister wants to do that and she does not have to . It’s really up to your sister at this point . It’s not up to your mother where she lives. Most likely you will all need to accept that Mom goes to assisted living .
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Do not promise June or any month for that matter.
It would be dangerous for both, Mom and you to continue to be her caregiver.
Mom is not your problem anymore, you have enough problems and you need to concentrate on one person, yourself.
Somebody smart said something to this effect, and I paraphrase:
Just because one life is ruined or ending does not mean two lives should be taken.
It sure looks like that for many on this forum alone.
Children or spouses expected to work endless hours with sick or demented and sacrifice their lives.
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Don't make promises under any circumstances, totally illogical mindset.

Forget about trying to take your mother back, be clear to your sister, the answer is no, stop trying to please everyone else and killing yourself in the meantime.

Mom needs to be placed, they can take care of dear mom.

Do not let your mother back in your care, do not pick her up at the airport, the real bully is your sister, stand up for yourself, no more willy-nilling.
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The fact that you ‘have been care giving for your M for 13 years’ does NOT mean that your sister has any obligation to care for her now. Nor that you have any obligation to go back into a care giving role, in May or any other time. In view of your M’s needs, it would be good to express some sympathy for what S has just done, not to feel resentment that she won’t follow in your footsteps for longer.

If you both agree that you can’t care for her at home, you will both be in a better position to work out the next steps.
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Carolina60 Apr 14, 2024
Sorry do not agree with your suggestion, thank you
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"if sister brings her back mom will have to go to assisted living!!! That's reality."
You are correct Carolina60, that is now the new reality for your mom. She will HAVE TO go into an assisted living facility, no ifs and or buts, as you are no longer physically able to care for her.
You've already jeopardized your health by caring for her for 13 years and I'm positive that is why you've had and continue to have all these major health issues.
If you're not careful you will be the one dying way before your mom does, and I'm sure she would not want that to happen.
So it's now time to put your big girl panties on and let your sister and your mom know that your caregiving days are over and that from here on out the only person you'll be caring for is yourself. PERIOD. End of sentence.
I wish you well in your continued healing and in putting yourself first once and for all.
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waytomisery Apr 14, 2024
Exactly . OP has to take care of herself and totally concentrate on her own care .
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Yes mom needs to go into an assisted living facility if she has the money to cover it. If not a board and care home or skilled nursing facility. You did your time for 13 years and now that your have had heart problems and two strokes it is past time for you to stop this insanity of not wanting to place mom and get it done. Tell sister that you have made this decision and get it done. The only decision is where will mom be placed close to you or your sister.
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Yeah, don’t feel bad about it either. Your mother has to go to assisted living. You can’t take care of her anymore even if you wanted to. Caregiving is clearly killing you literally.

Tell your sister that she is welcome to place mom by her if that is easier.
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How ridiculous. Of course you can’t provide caregiving for your mother any longer. Clearly, you’d did it for far too long already. And just as clearly you cannot dictate what others will or won’t do. Mom needs help and it sure sounds like it will now come in a professional setting. Please stop acting as if that’s the worst idea ever, it may save everyone’s health
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Carolina60 Apr 14, 2024
My sister refuses to put her in assisted living!! But now she’s seeing what I have been through ! Mom had uti / seeing all kinds of people, spreading feces every where ! But still don’t think her mom needs assisted living?? I’m going to mom doctors office tomorrow with a letter Telling him I can’t and will not care give for mom ! But my stupid ass sister900 miles away wants to bring her back - guess she’s done cleaning feces - or has a 2 week vacation planned,, as she retired Jan 2 2024! Shes62and in good health!!! !
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Just Place her in assisted Living and Put your foot down . A stroke can take a year to heal from if Not Longer . This is your Life . Time for Mom to be Placed . Have your sister read this forum too . Your sister should be Placing her . I really hate Lazy people and People who use People .
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It also sounds like mom should have been in a home already with the spreading feces all around the house. That is a sign it’s time to move her somewhere.
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Carolina60 Apr 14, 2024
Thanks
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This shouldn't even be a question.
There is no alternative but for mum to go into AL, so that her needs can be met and that her daughters can take care of themselves.
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Sorry for your health issues. And that your sister is kinda clueless. So, I know that you know that you can't take care of mom. You need to do what you can to improve your own health. Sis can be mad. Whatever. But you can not take mom back, no matter what.

Who has POA?

I don't even know is AL will take her, but maybe MC or SNF. Well, the places will decide if she is an appropriate fit given her condition(s). Spreading poop and "seeing" people could be very difficult in AL. I don't know if my mom's AL would handle that but every place is a bit different.

Best of luck!
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