My 94 year old mother-in-law has been living with us for over 3 years. She is not physically able to care for her self. She needs to use a walker to make every step by doctor’s order. She still doesn’t abide by this advice and fell in the kitchen. Luckily nothing was broken but was badly bruised. Her memory is bad. She can’t remember what she had for dinner yesterday. She can’t answer questions about current events even though she watches the news constantly.
Over the last 3 years I have become concerned about my wife’s first cousin and her interest in having MIL come “visit” with her for a while. We have told her this wasn’t a good idea because of her physical condition, medication regime, mental condition and many other other reasons. Instead she talks to her on the phone and continues to encourage her to come live with her. She lives half way across the USA from us and if this were to happen, it would likely be the last time my wife would see her alive.
My question is, “Should we have an attorney send her a cease and desist letter telling her to stop all communication with her?”
I had both a restraining order and a cease and desist order. Final straw for me was her constantly calling my sons and husband for them to make me “give” her money. I went to her house told her to quit asking. She started whining about how she was poor, etc. I slapped the crap out of her. I haven’t heard from her in three years. Not my finest moment but I haven’t been bothered since.
You do not mention how old the cousin is but I assume she is at least 60-70 based on your MIL's age. It's possible she is experiencing some mental decline herself and keeps asking about MIL visiting from some conversation loop she has gotten into from prior years. It's also possible she has a "view" of MIL from the last time they saw each other, thinks MIL sounds fine on the phone, and you must be overstating MIL's problems. If any of these are possibilities, I do not think a letter from an attorney would make any difference or that she is a real threat to move MIL.
The only way to be safe is to have in hand an activated POA or guardianship. As long as your MIL is legally competent, she can leave with anyone she wants to, although I would think transporting someone in MIL's condition "half way across the USA" would be a daunting prospect.
If dear cousin can't do this for your wife, then tell her you will block her calls.
Nothing has happened in three years, it isn't going to now, and in any case oh my goodness wouldn't your wife's cousin get a shock if your wife were to call her bluff. But none of that stops it being a nice *idea* - and therefore a cheerful topic of conversation. I should make the most of it.
I don't think a cease and desist letter is appropriate at this time, and the cousin may not completely understand your MIL's situation. It's been my experience that only those with "boots on the ground" in a caregiving situation or having gone through a similarly intense experience can understand the intricacies of aging, as well as how much limitation can vary person by person.
As to using a walker, do you think a rollator would serve her better? It's 4 wheeled, has adjustable handles, and spreads the weight reliance across 4 legs as opposed to a walker's 2 legs. My father switched to a rollator after a few falls with his walker. He preferred it to the walker.