My wife is the primary caregiver for her mom. We both moved into her home, repaired it and put a piece on for us to live. We take care of her as she is not capable of taking care of her home, physically nor financially. She requires care, which my wife ensures she is taking her medications, attending doctor appointments, eating and keeps busy with her all day. She works so hard to do this and is being treated like crap from her mom and 4 brothers. I want to say something to all off them, but I understand that this will even make our lives worse. Her mom wants her to look after her brothers when they visit without notice. She has heard her mother speak to her brothers about the things my wife is not doing, and never about all the good things. Her mom, I believe is creating this toxic environment! I have now started to speak out, especially after the last visit. "I WANT TO LEAVE", but can't leave my wife! Of note, not to sell myself short, I retired early to do this and have taken all of the care of the home physically and financially support everything. How can we both get our sanity and health back on track again?
Your wife is the caregiver and her brothers are the "people" who are talking behind her back? And she's overheard her mom and brothers talking about her? This must be very hurtful for your wife. Is her mother lucid or does she have dementia? If she is lucid I think it would be a good idea for your wife to simply ask her mother why she gossips about her to her siblings. No accusation. No tone. Just a simple question.
Plus, her mom expects your wife to wait on her brothers when they drop by? This is a simple solution: your wife doesn't have to wait on them. When they drop by it's a much-needed break for your wife and she should go elsewhere to find some peace and quiet while they visit.
As long as Mother is at the center of the household with her toxicity and entertains her sons whom she expects to be waited on by her daughter while they talk behind her back you will continue to live in insanity. It's going on right in your own house! How are you supposed to get away from it?
You can't change Mother. Or the brothers. We don't have the power to change other people. But you can change yourselves. Adopt an attitude of not caring what Mother says to her sons if you can. You and your wife know the truth. But it will be difficult to do.
What happens if you sell the house? Where does Mother go? Assisted living facility? Nursing home? To one of her son's house? With your wife, think about your options.
If MIL has dementia and therefore is not in her right mind I might be a little more lenient, especially if the pre-dementia relationship was a good one. I assume, though, that not all 4 brothers have dementia, and they are fully in control of their actions. Why are they being such jerks?
I agree with Eyerishlass. There is no reason for your wife to stay in the house while her brothers visit.
I assume that the house deed is only in your MIL's name? Or did you make some changes when you improved it? If it all MIL's, are you willing to consider all your hard work and investment a gift to her, and walk out on it?
"Dear brothers,
RogHog and I have taken a lease on a townhouse in Nearby. We will be out of Mom's house by July 15. As you know, Mom cannot care for herself or the house on her own. If you need help working out how care will be provided I'm available to discuss it, research care centers, etc. from now until June 15. If you prefer to handle it all yourselves, that is perfectly OK with me.
Your loving sister,
Mrs RogHog
I think that the two pieces of information we need from you to be more specific in our advice are:
Does MIL have dementia?
What are the financial arrangements regarding the improvements to the house?
And, unfortunately, your situation is an example of what can go wrong when people sacrifice their own lives to care for someone who's not grateful. But, you're here now, and the question is how can you address the situation?
I think the first consideration (and I don't mean to pry) is whether or not you paid to upgrade the house to add the suite. If you did, I think you have a lot more leverage than you might realize. If MIL had paid for the upgrade, there are financial issues to balance out - upgrade cost vs. cost of care being provided, cost of upkeep, etc. So, consider what financial arrangements were made, and whether or not those would literally force you to stay there. Can you afford to move?
But if you paid for the suite, and are still providing free care, maintenance and upkeep, etc., then I think you have more standing to demand respect for your wife. And, unfortunately, even though respect should be automatic when someone makes significant compromises to care for someone else, sometimes people just expect that their adult children are going to make sacrifices willingly to help them. I think that's especially prevalent when there's an adult daughter in the family.
I doubt if it would help to talk with MIL (your profile doesn't indicate what her medical conditions are or if any dementia is present), and assuming that wouldn't work, let her know that you're not pleased with the way your wife is treated and changes need to be made (but do that after you and your wife discuss whether or not you want to continue this situation or move out).
I'd also have a heart to heart talk with the family. If they won't provide respect, make it clear that you'll be considering other alternatives, including moving, or looking for a facility placement. The issue then though is the underlying financial ownership of the house. That's something to be considered and discussed with your wife before you seriously consider moving.
I.e., perhaps the family could buy out your share of the house upgrade and someone else could move in to take over.
Work out alternate arrangements with your wife before addressing any of the issues with the backstabbers, but be prepared to put a plan in action if you have to.
I'm sure this would be difficult for your wife, as she might feel as if she's abandoning her mother, but there are greater considerations at play, and that's the state of your marriage and retirement.
Your wife should NOT be Cinderella to her mother and brothers. And, I assume, none of the brothers' wives are helping?
Another alternative, if you really want to get tough, is to document MIL's complaints to the brothers, and ask them what they can do to address these alleged gaps in care. Also, take your wife and go out for dinner or someplace when the brothers come over. I find that so offensive, to expect your wife to wait on them.
Tough situation, with the ownership and family being the major antagonists.
Your comments are so much appreciated, it gives options to think about and to stop questioning our sanity.