She has good insurance and is 65 years old. She is a hoarder and refuses to take care of her physical and mental health. She goes weeks and even months without bathing or combing her hair and until recently under my initiation went to evaluate her physical health. What disturbs me most is that she has control over my living 86 yr old Mother with Alzheimer's bank accounts who has three other children myself included.
Please help with any suggestions you may have as to how I can help her!!
Since no one has POA officially, get Durable Power of Attorney for your mothers health and finances. It takes 5 minutes, -seriously. A notarized letter! Then go to the bank and open new accounts. (Or have mom if she is able)
some banks (in NY especially) will have their own form for POA, if you’re concerned, call the bank ahead of time and ask. Explain the situation and voice your concern. The bank may be able to make a note on the account to watch for suspicious activity while you get POA.
Are your siblings concerned about this as well? Have you met with them to decide what is the best course of action? Does your mother live with your grandmother and take care of her? Your mother’s mental state, lack of hygiene for herself and probably your grandmother as well and the hoarding situation is putting them at serious risk.
You will need to enlist the help of city and county agencies for help. There are too many issues here for one person to deal with.
She's the oldest out of 4 kids and I'm the only female and feel obligated to get things done. Feeling pressured...
If your moms Social security check is being paid into an account your sister is on, no signatory rights, you are on the account, so you know. Then you need to open a new account and take mom to SSA office and get the payment moved to new account. If mom is to far in her Alzheimer's disease then you need to become the representative payee, go online to SSA and get the paperwork. This will give you control over her SS.
If you need to go RP route, know that you will need to keep an accounting of how you spend her money. They protect our vulnerable seniors this way.
You may never be able to help your sister, make sure that she is not endangering mom's future needs, money not spent for mom could cause a penalty period if she ever needs Medicaid. As others have suggested, cal Adult Protective Services, if they determine she is fine, you have done all you could do.
Best of luck taking care of mom.
For your sister? My mother is a Hoarder. There is literally nothing you can do. I saw several suggestions about calling Adult Protective Services, which you can try, but it will not likely result in any change.
Speaking of change - do not expect any from your Hoarding Sister. I begged, pleaded, threatened, cajoled, bargained with my Hoarding Mother for over 20 years to try and convince her to get help. Not even to change - just to take a first step and get help / talk to a therapist. She won't because she does not think she has a problem.
How do I deal with it? I set up boundaries, for myself and at my own discretion, about what I will and will not tolerate/deal with in regard to Mom. Because, legally, she is an adult with capacity, and therefore can choose to live in filth. And there is nothing I can do to stop her or to force her to accept help.
This is not your fault and not your responsibility. Do not let anyone tell you it is.
I personally look at Hoarding as analogous with alcoholism. You can't make an alcoholic stop drinking the same way you can't make a hoarder stop hoarding. You can only control your response, set your own boundaries. You can only step in when the hoarder does something that causes the hoarder to fit the criteria for incapacity. Which may not happen prior to death.
I belong to an on-line support group called COH - Children of Hoarders. While I know we are taking about your sister, not your parent, you might want to check out the group / discussion boards, as you might find some insight there.
Good luck.
In Phila. the Corporation For Aging offers assistance for persons with hoarding disorders. I do think that in the meantime getting POA and guardianship of your mom sounds like a good idea. There are certain SSRI's like Lexapro that do help with obsessive compulsive disorder if you could get your sister to see a doctor.
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