My sisters have never been very nice over the years and I have had to step in when mum and dad have been upset because they have been ignored by them. They haven't, in the past, spoken to our parents for years. Dad died and mum was taken in by sister. I couldn't look after mum as I had a mental health problem and was in and out of hospital. Sister then stopped me from seeing mum in the last 3 years of her life, even though I wanted to see mum.
Mum has now died and sister blames me for making mum miserable in the last few years of her life. Sister has cut me off and never wants to speak to me again. Sister has said she wants to 'follow her own path with her own family'. I have nobody else. I'm 65 years old and I don't know what I've done wrong. I've asked my sister but she won't tell me. I want to stay in my own home as I get older but I'm lonely and more so now my sister has cut me off. Years ago I helped mum/dad as much as I could in order to keep them happy and I helped look after/educate and entertain my sisters; children. So, I'm at a loss as to why they have cut me off. I'm struggling to come to terms with this. What has gone wrong do you think?
I advise you to cultivate peers and others that you see as sort of family. It may not be "family" in the way your sister biologically is, but she has said no to social connection--which you can cultivate otherwise.
She cut off mum/dad about 10 years ago and I had to be the main caregiver during this time as our parents were so upset and crying a lot. Then she got back in contact when she needed money and her son was taking hard drugs.
Each of us as sisters has stepped up to help mum/dad but younger sister is acting like a martyr and says she doesn't want to communicate ever again. Then out of the blue she opens up dialogue again ( she had Covid) but communication was short lived. It is so confusing.
I'm sorry you feel so hurt by your sister's actions. Families are so hard. I'm the oldest of four sisters. I too was the main caregiver to my parents. I know it's hard when the lines of communications are not open. But maybe your sister does feel a lot of anger and resentment about being the primary caregiver to your mum in her final years.
If you want you can write her a letter or hopefully your other sisters will help mend the relationships. Take your time and maybe consider talking to a grief counsellor, family therapist or joining a support group or other community groups for support.
I know we all long for family closeness and togetherness but sometimes we cannot achieve that on our own. Give your sister time and maybe she will come around.
Thinking of you.
Wish your sister goodspeed in getting on with her own life, and get on with yours. Many don't have family. Many have family that is more a trial and a burden than a gift. I wish you the very best moving forward and hope that your new year is a first step toward a productive, happier life for yourself.
Your sister is a user. When she needs something from you, she will be all lovey. It's not you. You have to realize this is her and not let yourself get sucked in. Maybe the reason she took Mom in was because she may get something out of caring for her.
You are now 65 with your own health problems. Every cent you have you will need for YOUR future. YOU are responsible for that future. Don't expect someone to care for you. You need to plan for when u get older.
You may have not done enough for your parents in their final days, in your sister's opinion, and now she's angry with you. You can't change another person's opinion of you, that's a fact. But you CAN choose to know that you did what you could do for your parents, and then move on with your own life.
I will be 65 years old in July and I have no siblings but one half-sister I met in 2000 (long story) who I barely keep in touch with. We on a public forum cannot possibly know what has gone wrong in your life with your sister; you yourself may have an inkling but if not, try to stop dwelling on it. You've apologized and sent flowers, so now the ball is in HER court, should she decide to play once more.
If not, try to forge ahead with your own life which should not be contingent on what your sister does or does not do. Sign up with an online dating service and go out and have some FUN! In many ways, life begins at 65 so go figure out how to make YOU happy!
Wishing you the best of luck carving out your own life now~!
Your sister sounds like a narcissist and I think you should read up on it. Most of these traits she learned from my mother, and they both are proud of being ruthless to others. My personality is more empathetic and they look at that as a sign of weakness. Be true to yourself, stay kind and step back. My mother is still living but she has probably changed her will and removed me from everything. My mother enjoys the control of both my sister and I and she’ll try to have us turn on each other. It’s her way of getting attention.
You reach out and find some good friends, and enjoy your life. It sounds like sis is the one with the problem. Good people don't bite and criticize others unless they are self centered themselves.
You've done all you could. You have nothing to feel guilty about unless you allow sis to manipulate you. My hats off to you. Live your life.
As we age, we should become wiser. I have discovered that I can't change other people. Stop apologizing. According to the bible, you've done all that's required of you in God's eyes and to keep doing it is to allow yourself to be manipulated.
This is a new chapter. Close that chapter and turn the page. What is it they say, "You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family?" By the time a person gets over 50, they either choose to change or they don't. Not your problem if they don't.
Step into your new chapter guilt free and enjoy your life. God says in Jeremiah, "I know the plans I have for you; to give you a hope and a future, to prosper and not to harm you". Find your purpose and pursue it.
Life is much too short to deal with other people's problems, as all way stay safe and don't give out personal information or money. Also if you can do it safely, volunteer as my friend has done this as his mom passed away recently. He has a new GF and also is getting out more and enjoying life.
This month I turn 56 and I'm going out and enjoying life and taking it one day at a time.
The missing piece to the puzzle is the fact that you say you are the Executor of your Mom's "estate". If that is the case, I urge you to contact a good attorney to represent your interests ASAP, as it appears this may be a motivating factor in why your sister may be making it look like you are a disinterested party. If you are the Executor, it is certainly your legal right to know and carry out your mothers final wishes. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.
I agree with those who say you're being scapegoated for decisions sister has already made and also with those who point out the necessity of a lawyer to help you execute or co-execute the will.
And yes while it's hard move on and live your own life-your sister who seems quite capricious and changing in her views is not to be relied on, clearly.
Your question suggests that you didn’t have a consistently good time with your siblings. You also indicate that your caretaking sister limited interaction and visitors with your mother.
After my parents passed, relationships with some of my siblings have changed completely. Initially it stung, but in the big picture, it was for the best.
Consider the falling out a blessing. You are also free to choose your own path.
Disclaimer:
Do not follow this advice if it does not apply to you or your family's circumstances. imo.
I have a sister, 2 years younger than me. Most of her adult life she has been a raging alcoholic. Certainly has mental health issues. She has had a pattern of getting drunk and calling a member of the family to rage, scream, call names, make false accusations. Every one of us has been the victim of her tirades many times, she just makes the rounds. We are SO sick of this nastiness. Her birthday is the same as our dad, and on his last birthday, before he died, he was her victim. She called him over and over, screaming, cussing, yelling at him. He called me and said, "I don't know what to do. She won't stop." I told him not to answer any calls from her the rest of the day. My mom & stepdad were her targets many times, but she has no idea why they wrote her off. I said to her in the last year, that it was because of all the times she had called them and cussed them out while drunk. She DOES NOT get the fact that she is the problem.
On July 17, 2020 I gave her notice that if she ever did it again, I would block her number and never have anything to do with her again. The few times we have talked in the past few years since I have taken on caring for our mother who has dementia, this ick of a sister has brought up what she wants from mom's belongings when mom dies. I use mom's money to take care of mom's needs, but this ick accuses me of being greedy.
She has absolutely NO awareness that she has done anything wrong. She can't understand at all why her family treats her so bad. Such a narcissist.