My sisters have never been very nice over the years and I have had to step in when mum and dad have been upset because they have been ignored by them. They haven't, in the past, spoken to our parents for years. Dad died and mum was taken in by sister. I couldn't look after mum as I had a mental health problem and was in and out of hospital. Sister then stopped me from seeing mum in the last 3 years of her life, even though I wanted to see mum.
Mum has now died and sister blames me for making mum miserable in the last few years of her life. Sister has cut me off and never wants to speak to me again. Sister has said she wants to 'follow her own path with her own family'. I have nobody else. I'm 65 years old and I don't know what I've done wrong. I've asked my sister but she won't tell me. I want to stay in my own home as I get older but I'm lonely and more so now my sister has cut me off. Years ago I helped mum/dad as much as I could in order to keep them happy and I helped look after/educate and entertain my sisters; children. So, I'm at a loss as to why they have cut me off. I'm struggling to come to terms with this. What has gone wrong do you think?
You are a 65 years young spectacular person so share that personality with others. It's true during the pandemic that you may have to put off some activities but you can certainly plan for the future and start others today.
Here are a few suggestions:
Get involved with some of the wonderful books that have been publised over the past years. You can get them on audible or ebooks if you don't want to go to the library. Need more funds.... everyone in the US is hiring for something! Learn a new language... Spanish is the easiest and most widely available but pick one that you have always been fascinated with. Most colleges and high schools are offering courses online these days. Check out your local senior citizen center.... most of them do a lot more than checkers and marhongg these days. Love music..... can't play an instrument? Now's the time to learn ... keyboards have made music accessible and reasonable. I'm starting an online course beginners piano this March offered by our local senior resource center in Princeton. Go to the local dog park even if you don't have a dog and admire everyone's pooch. Every owner will fall in love with you and you'll get lots of info on doggy parenting if you ever decide to get a furbaby (remember that's a long committment though). Do you like animals but don't want to have one....no problem volunteer at a local animal rescue. They are always looking for people to walk dogs, talk to dogs, cuddle dogs.
Once we are out of the pandemic the volunteer opps will knock you down. Places looking for and needing volunteers:
local animal rescue sites, any hospital you can think of, libraries, homeless shelters, women's shelters, doctor's offices, libraries, many local governments....
you get the idea. The main thing to remember is you are a valuable person but... you have to let the rest of the world know that you are here. Most people will reach out to you.....after they know you are there and reach out to them. It's definitely a two way street. And don't worry about having family .... sometimes they are wonderful and sometimes they are an abaltross around your neck. Pick your family.... make friends.
Good luck on this journey. I know you will make it and have a blast in the process. It's worked for me ... no kids, no biological family but the best set of friends who are there for me come hell and high water that you've ever seen. I'm 77 and every day is still magical and wonderful (and occassionally..... a little surprising!) Please keep in touch. Let me know what books you are reading .... if you have the time after your lessons and volunteering!!
Peace
We cling to family of origin but they are not always good for us and it is time you looked for friends that fulfil your needs. Sometimes a small change can do this for us. Trite though it sounds joining a group or getting and walking a dog can lead to new, more fulfiling relationships. Sometimes short regular interactions can do it - it doesn't necessarily need to be deep and meaningful. In time your sister will occupy less of your energy and sometimes when our persecutors realise they hold no power, they change their approach. However it is your reaction that needs the work. The good news is that it is within your power. 65 is not a right off! You have good years ahead, enjoy them!
Try not to dwell on this. Instead, put your energy into more positive things. Are you working? Have any hobbies? If not, find a part-time job. Or volunteer. Start a new hobby. Join a club.
If you live alone, consider moving into a senior community. There are social opportunities there. Join your local senior center.
There are many options for you to put yourself out there and make a better life. Without your sister's b.s.
I have a sister, 2 years younger than me. Most of her adult life she has been a raging alcoholic. Certainly has mental health issues. She has had a pattern of getting drunk and calling a member of the family to rage, scream, call names, make false accusations. Every one of us has been the victim of her tirades many times, she just makes the rounds. We are SO sick of this nastiness. Her birthday is the same as our dad, and on his last birthday, before he died, he was her victim. She called him over and over, screaming, cussing, yelling at him. He called me and said, "I don't know what to do. She won't stop." I told him not to answer any calls from her the rest of the day. My mom & stepdad were her targets many times, but she has no idea why they wrote her off. I said to her in the last year, that it was because of all the times she had called them and cussed them out while drunk. She DOES NOT get the fact that she is the problem.
On July 17, 2020 I gave her notice that if she ever did it again, I would block her number and never have anything to do with her again. The few times we have talked in the past few years since I have taken on caring for our mother who has dementia, this ick of a sister has brought up what she wants from mom's belongings when mom dies. I use mom's money to take care of mom's needs, but this ick accuses me of being greedy.
She has absolutely NO awareness that she has done anything wrong. She can't understand at all why her family treats her so bad. Such a narcissist.
Disclaimer:
Do not follow this advice if it does not apply to you or your family's circumstances. imo.
Your question suggests that you didn’t have a consistently good time with your siblings. You also indicate that your caretaking sister limited interaction and visitors with your mother.
After my parents passed, relationships with some of my siblings have changed completely. Initially it stung, but in the big picture, it was for the best.
Consider the falling out a blessing. You are also free to choose your own path.
I agree with those who say you're being scapegoated for decisions sister has already made and also with those who point out the necessity of a lawyer to help you execute or co-execute the will.
And yes while it's hard move on and live your own life-your sister who seems quite capricious and changing in her views is not to be relied on, clearly.
The missing piece to the puzzle is the fact that you say you are the Executor of your Mom's "estate". If that is the case, I urge you to contact a good attorney to represent your interests ASAP, as it appears this may be a motivating factor in why your sister may be making it look like you are a disinterested party. If you are the Executor, it is certainly your legal right to know and carry out your mothers final wishes. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.
You reach out and find some good friends, and enjoy your life. It sounds like sis is the one with the problem. Good people don't bite and criticize others unless they are self centered themselves.
You've done all you could. You have nothing to feel guilty about unless you allow sis to manipulate you. My hats off to you. Live your life.
As we age, we should become wiser. I have discovered that I can't change other people. Stop apologizing. According to the bible, you've done all that's required of you in God's eyes and to keep doing it is to allow yourself to be manipulated.
This is a new chapter. Close that chapter and turn the page. What is it they say, "You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family?" By the time a person gets over 50, they either choose to change or they don't. Not your problem if they don't.
Step into your new chapter guilt free and enjoy your life. God says in Jeremiah, "I know the plans I have for you; to give you a hope and a future, to prosper and not to harm you". Find your purpose and pursue it.
Life is much too short to deal with other people's problems, as all way stay safe and don't give out personal information or money. Also if you can do it safely, volunteer as my friend has done this as his mom passed away recently. He has a new GF and also is getting out more and enjoying life.
This month I turn 56 and I'm going out and enjoying life and taking it one day at a time.
Your sister sounds like a narcissist and I think you should read up on it. Most of these traits she learned from my mother, and they both are proud of being ruthless to others. My personality is more empathetic and they look at that as a sign of weakness. Be true to yourself, stay kind and step back. My mother is still living but she has probably changed her will and removed me from everything. My mother enjoys the control of both my sister and I and she’ll try to have us turn on each other. It’s her way of getting attention.