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Yes, I am lucky. Actually my mom spend little time with me and even less with my children and grandchildren. I was very different with my own children. I have always strived to be a good example be to my family.
I was blessed with 5 amazing children. My sister is very supportive and did a lot more of the care early on but as mom's behaviors and physical abilities became more of an issue, I took over more. Our brother visits seldom and doesn't call Mom... Not even on her birthday or Christmas.
I am a teacher, certified elementary, early childhood and special education so I have some skills that help. My adult children do help, but we try not to use them more than once every month or two... They have families. I am blessed with colleagues, friends and family that still come around. I do work at fostering those relationships. It helps me to keep my sanity.
I do not get out of the house often. I also do all the intimate care (except about twice a year when I take half a day off). I do know how blessed I am, but I foster those relationships and that is work too. I just know from reading on these sites that without relationships, the caregivers go crazy.
Thanks for the kind words from you all. I appreciate it.
When I tried to tell my teenaged son the "right" way to do something, and, then he did it "wrong", he'd always say, "Mom, I need to learn it for myself."
I think that really is an excellent idea from FF, taking over care for a week or so in sister's home. For so many of us, there are so many times we've said or thought "if I'd known then what I know now..."
AdieHall, please note that almost 40% of caregivers die while caring for their love one... those are not good odds.
You mentioned you will be retiring. That tells me you are in your 60's or thereabouts. I tell you, seniors should not be caring for older seniors unless you have a lot of relatives around you who are willing to help.
When you think about it, how many older people actually work at a hospital, assisted living or a nursing home? I am sure we can find a couple, but it's not the norm, and there is a good reason for that. My sig other who was pretty strong had to give up trying to lift my Dad off the floor, it was ruining his back. It was like lifting a 150 lb dead-weight.
Before bringing Dad to your home, go visit your sister for a week and you step into her shoes for the whole time. It might be a real eye opener, or you may find yes you can manage this.
If you are asking for your sister and nephew to put up with the current situation for a few more I'm counting 4) months, that might just be too much for them.
No we wouldn't need aides for him at this point. They have to have an aide now because he's home alone while they work. My sister works. I could not care for him while working but I am getting ready to retire. And yes, we are prepared. And yes, we want to. And yes, we think we can handle it♡ But she wants him in a NH and she is POA.
So, dad can't be managed in AL and needs three shifts of caregivers.
You and your husband are planning to do this yourselves? Do you plan on having an overnight aid ( at 25$/hour) so 200$ per night. That's 6k per month for an overnight aide.
Treat this as a math problem and you'll see why a nursing home at 10-12k per month is actually a bargain.
I appreciate all of your input. My sister is POA. Dad is at her son's house temporarily until a nursing home bed opens up. He was forced to leave the assisted living facility he was in. I've asked her to let him come to our home in maryland instead of putting him in a nursing home(they are in nj). I'm retiring in a few months. My hubby and I feel prepared for the challange. Currently, there is no overnight aide and they manage him on the weekends. Sister and nephew. My Dad still has lots of good moments and I want to share those with him. I also want to be there when he gets scared and confused with sun downers, etc. I think my sister wants to protect me in some ways but also doesn't want to give Dad to me (We have always had a strong sibling rivalry.) I told her I would still want her to be in charge of Dad's money. She could give us $1000 or so a month for his care. He still gets about $2000/month in pension and SS. He had about $100000 when he went into assisted living about 1 year ago and now there's $60000. The homes she's looking at require 1 year of self pay and the medicade pays after the money is gone. Most people feel nursing homes are best, but that's just not how I feel personally. I feel they are pretty awful. Dad's not ready for that yet. Maybe after a year or two if he's still living and becomes too much for us. But what is the harm in trying. The 60000 will still be there later if he needs to go into a facility. But she has final say due to POA.
What is your sister's part in your father's caretaking now, since he lives with your nephew (presumably your sister's son)? Who is his caretaker from 11 p.m. - 7 a.m. during the week and on from the weekends when there is no help except for 7 - 11 a.m.?
IF you decide to take your father into your home, then don't become resentful because other family members don't help you. It will be your choice alone to take your father into your home, so it will all be on you,
Grammy, thank you for your post. I much appreciated it. It is nice to hear a story that shows doability.(not a word) My husband and I have been able to manage things, as well. We attribute all this to the Lord. He gives us strength in tough times. I love my Mom tremendously and did my Dad as well. I would not trade this time for anything. My Mom is one of the greatest ladies I will ever know, and even in her difficult times, she is a blessing and I would never have it any other way. I know for some their situations are different and they do the best they can, and do what they think is best. Love covers a multitude of sins. I do hope that someone will love me enough to want to care for me if I ever need it. I believe if there is any way possible a child should take care of their parents. Again, I know there are situations that differ and everyone does the best they can, and what they think is best. But again Grammy, thank you for sharing that some people are able to endure to the end.
Grammyteacher has a "village" taking care of her mom, how lucky!
She, her husband, her sister, their adult children, even grandchildren...many people involved in caregiving, so no one is too overworked. Friends visit. This truly is a unique situation.
Grammyteacher, I cried when I read your post. The family relations that you describe are something I only dreamed of. You are truly blessed. Your mom obviously was a loving, kind, compassionate role model that taught her children family values.
I think it be is very doable and view caregiving quite differently than other posters. I do agree with all of them as to the amount of work it requires.
My husband and I have cared for my mom at varying levels since 2009 when she was diagnosed. The past 4 years it has been 24/7. We different from other posters in that it actually strengthened our entire family, my husband and my relationship, our adult children, and even our grandchildren...we have always been very close, this just added more compassion and caring and understanding to our lives.
All that said, you have to be willing to make the commitment. As others said, someone must be home at all times. When there are birthday parties, my husband and I each go for half. Other events, one or the other attends. Occasionally one of our daughters, or my sister, will come stay with Mom. My sister can't lift her so I can't leave her with mom for more than an hour or so.
My mom only weighs 75lbs at this point, but it still takes two to change her, rolling back and forth is required and managing her octopus arms ;-)...I can do it alone but it is challenging... My husband never does the intimate part of changing, I don't feel it is fair to him or her, so if I leave for very long, one of our daughters comes to help with changing. Mom is totally incontinent, so that involves total cleaning, application of barrier cream, putting on a new disposable brief, and repositioning her.
Mom prefers to spend her days in the living room so we have to move her from her bedroom to the living room. Mom has not walked in over 2 years and she is beginning to have some constrictions. Her legs curl, she cannot sit up without support, and she has very limited control of her hands and arms. It takes a dead lift to move her to her transport chair, then in to her recliner in the living room. She has to be moved back every 2-3 hours to change her. She also has to be repositioned every 1-2 hours to prevent pressure ulcers.
Mom lost control of her hands about 2 1/2 years ago, so we had to start hand feeding her. She was still able to walk and talk but just couldn't control her hands. It became increasingly more frustrating for her. So we started feeding her meals and snacks (and fluids) throughout the day. She has also developed a delayed swallow and will pocket food and drinks. We have to watch carefully and give verbal and physical cues to get her to swallow. No aspiration yet, thanks heaven.
My mom can no longer "talk" but she rambles incoherently much of the day and some nights. She will make a coherent statement sometimes. I think her receptive language skills are better... But her expressive language skills are very compromised.
Often mom doesn't sleep at night, she will cry out for me "Mama!!!!" (That is what she calls me now). On those nights, I have a small recliner in her room. I sleep there so I can comfort her by holding her hand, patting her, singing her a song... Whatever makes her feel safe.
I love my mom and I am very willing to spend this time with her. Our children, grandchildren and friends still come and hang out. We individually bag all briefs, take out the trash often, do lots and lots of laundry, and purchase Fabreeze by the case ;-). I will never regret having this time with mom.
Talk to your sister if you are sure this is what you are willing and able to do then have the conversation.
Adie, I mentioned a lot of points earlier but I left out the toll it took on our marriage.
My husband was the one who wanted my mom to live with us. I didn't think it was a good idea. He's Mexican and the culture is very family oriented. I gave in and my mom lived with us 3 months before we were snapping at each other.
While mom had let my husband paint her nails in the memory care facility, she completely forgot who he was in our home and she'd scream when he tried to physically help her (walking, toileting, washing, etc.). That meant I had to do EVERYTHING. I work 3 days a week and he works from home. But now I had no help. Thankfully he did 90% of the housework.
The constant confusion, questions, screaming and needing to be watched 24 hrs a day made us cranky with her and each other.
3 months later we were shouting and we were so stressed out it was affecting our marriage.
With the help of everyone on this board (who told me the same thing as they're telling you), we had to place her in a MC facility again.
Believe it or not, she's happier and we are too. It's a win-win for us. They give great care.
Have you asked your nephew what it's like?
Go ahead and bring your dad home. We'll be here when you need us.
You and husband can never leave the house together without a caregiver there.
No vacations No friends visiting because they don't or can't cope with dad.
House smelling
Can't just run out, go shopping or have coffee.
Dad's needs require a village, your nephew has him in his home but it is to much for sister, what? This should bring up questions to discuss with sister. She may be trying to save you from the inevitable heartache. Also placing dementia patients earlier has been proven to be easier for them to adjust, later makes it harder for them.
I took care of my father for over a year. It was the most traumatic time in my life. Your dad may not be at the point of constantly repeating himself every five minutes, but he may get there. I can tell you after you hear him yell is it time to get up at 6:00am after being up wondering the house all night every day of your life with no help you will have a different view. Even with help it will get very hard to take day after day. I feel like I have been in a war zone. Good luck and God bless you!
You say that his legs are very weak, and that he has dementia.
You also say that you are physically and emotionally prepared to care for him.
What I'm asking is, do you fully appreciate what you would need to do?
Assistance with activities of daily living:
Transferring and toileting Washing Dressing Showering/bathing Taking medications Maintaining any physical or occupational therapy routines...
These are the examples that spring to mind immediately, without even making any allowance for the frightening and exhausting behaviours that can occur as dementia advances. Carrying out these tasks with a docile, co-operative person is plenty to have on your plate; but you already know that your father kicked against assisted living, where he had trained aides, and has proved too much for your sister, and the dementia will make life considerably more difficult and complicated as time goes on.
To cut it short - I don't think you are being realistic about what caring for your father will involve.
May God bless you in this time. Have you talked with your sister about this? How does she feel? Is she fighting you? Do you and your sister have a good relationship?
well said, Treeartist. It’s not like you can’t change your mind. Addie. Do what you can and if and when things change, you can adjust. Be sure to get plenty of help. The more help you get the longer you’ll be able to keep him with you. Come back and let us know how it goes.
Addie, why was it too hard for your sister? Would you not have similar problems? I’m curious as to why you posed this question here as it seems you have made up your mind to do this already. Are you second-guessing your decision? Several people have described their long-term experiences and I would definitely pay attention to what they have to say, but if you and your husband are ready and willing and you will be able to use home health aides like he had at your nephew’s, I say go for it. Do it as long as you can. Maybe that’s why you posed the question - to get a better idea of everything it would entail. And that is smart! You seem to have a tremendous desire to take care of your father in your home and a wonderful relationship that would make things easier. If your sister agrees, and he comes to live with you, avail yourself of all the assistance you can get. Come here often for support. If the time comes that he needs care that you cannot give him, find a suitable nursing home. If you ever get to that point, the nursing home will take on a new aura. It will no longer be “too depressing”. You will see it with new eyes. But it sounds as if you’re not there yet. My parents have recently moved into a nursing home together. Yes, it has old, tired people who just sit around most of the time, but my parents did that at home too! For years their doctors were advising us to place them in a nursing home (they had too many problems to qualify for assisted living), but though they qualified for one, we, the children, weren’t ready. So we became the nursing home. We did this until we started to unravel, physically and mentally. We are still managing their care, and one or two of us are there daily. The amazing thing is that, those tired old people I used to view as depressing in the nursing home are people with names who share a little of their life with you before they drop off to sleep or fade back into their dementia. These are people who clasp hands with my parents as they roll past them in the hall, and whose faces light up when they see each other. This nursing home has live music and other entertainment five to six days a week - lovely, talented volunteers who freely give of their time. Go ahead and take care of your father in your home for as long as you can without compromising your health and marriage. There are people on this forum who have been able to do it until the very end. You may be one of them .......or not. You will know.
Think long and hard before you move him in with you...visiting in assisted living is not comparable to 24/7 care for him, you have no idea. I know your intentions are good but the reality is a long long way from what you envision it will be. God Bless
Thanks,all for your imput. My Father "qualifies" for nursing home care because his legs are very weak and he has dementia. He is at my nephews home with home health aide from 7-4 m-f and 7-11 sat and sun. He can't stay there too long because it's too much for my sister. I would like him to come and live with my husband and I. I feel he is much better around family (he was in assisted living until a month ago.) I do not want him to be in a nursing home because they are pretty depressing places. When ever we would go visit at the assisted living, he would say "get me outta here" etc. I retire in July and my husband already has. We are physically and emotionally prepared for my Dad. We spent a lot of time at his assisted living place. I love being with my Dad and he loves me. He also gets along very well with my husband. Our home is well suited for him to come but we would make certain adjustments such as a handicap ramp. My sister has POA so the decision is legally hers I guess.
Who has healthcare proxy/medical POA? That is the person with the authority to make the decision of where dad lives.
Dad will not be admitted to a nursing home unless he needs that level of care -- they are not like hotels you can just sign into.
Once a person needs NH level care, it is very hard to provide it in a private home, even with hired caregivers. The hired caregivers might be just as skilled as the ones in NH but there is only one of them at a time. In a NH if an emergency arises there are several other staff members who can pitch in.
My mother lived with my sister as long as she needed "assisted living" levels of care. When it became necessary to have NH level, we placed her in an NH, where she was content for the final couple years of her life.
Alzheimer's is a progressive disease, meaning it will get worse...much worse.
How does your family (husband and kids) feel about him living with you? Do they "understand" dementia?
Have you ever taken care of someone with Alzheimer's before?
What condition is your back in? You'll be doing a lot of heavy transfering, lifting and repositioning as time goes on.
Who will give you respite breaks? You have to have them or you'll loose YOUR mind.
Are you prepared to "baby proof" the house? Demented elders get into all kinds of "trouble" (like a toddler). Can you disable the car so he can't drive it? Can you get more locks or alarms installed on all door exits? They can be like Houdini in "escaping".
Are you mentally prepared for constant reminding, constantly answering questions (50+ times a day), constantly dropping what you're doing to assist to the bathroom or cleaning up "accidents"? Being on the receiving end of demented anger and physical violence? Trying to convince him to take his pills that he just spit across the table?
Do you have the nerve to hold up under him screaming at the top of his lungs at 2 am?
I have asked you these questions because it was only part of what I went through caring for my mother with stage 6 Alzheimer's. This will be your reality.
Go visit him wherever he lives now. Spend ALL day there. That should give you an idea what's in store for you.
Think long and hard AFTER you've done a lot of research on the disease of Alzheimer's.
Adie, who is currently taking care of your Dad? It could be that your Dad's memory issues [as per your profile] are to a point where it is now impossible for just one person to take care of him. This is very common.
If you have Dad move in with you, you would need to set up his room like that of a nursing home. Thus, a hospital bed, wheelchair or rolling walker if Dad is now a fall risk, wider doors in the house if a wheelchair is needed to be used, a hoya lift in case Dad can no longer walk and you cannot physically move him from his bed to the wheelchair.
Be prepared to not sleep nights, as some patients with memory issues will stay up all night calling for you or if that person is mobile to wander throughout the house, and even go outdoors in the middle of the night.
Be prepared for Dad to refuse to take showers or baths, that is also common. And refuse to go to doctor appointments. For you, if you need to go to the grocery store, you wouldn't be able to leave Dad home alone, thus he will need a skilled caregiver to come in to help. Or you can order groceries on-line if you live near enough to a grocery store that has home delivery.
Oh the list goes on and on. it's not a easy task. About 40% of caregivers die leaving behind their love one they were caring for. it is just such exhausting work.
Now if your Dad can budget for one shift of caregivers, that would give you a break to do major housework, run to the grocery store, go to your own appointments, etc. My Dad had around the clock caregivers, it cost him $20k per month.
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I was blessed with 5 amazing children. My sister is very supportive and did a lot more of the care early on but as mom's behaviors and physical abilities became more of an issue, I took over more. Our brother visits seldom and doesn't call Mom... Not even on her birthday or Christmas.
I am a teacher, certified elementary, early childhood and special education so I have some skills that help. My adult children do help, but we try not to use them more than once every month or two... They have families. I am blessed with colleagues, friends and family that still come around. I do work at fostering those relationships. It helps me to keep my sanity.
I do not get out of the house often. I also do all the intimate care (except about twice a year when I take half a day off). I do know how blessed I am, but I foster those relationships and that is work too. I just know from reading on these sites that without relationships, the caregivers go crazy.
Thanks for the kind words from you all. I appreciate it.
You mentioned you will be retiring. That tells me you are in your 60's or thereabouts. I tell you, seniors should not be caring for older seniors unless you have a lot of relatives around you who are willing to help.
When you think about it, how many older people actually work at a hospital, assisted living or a nursing home? I am sure we can find a couple, but it's not the norm, and there is a good reason for that. My sig other who was pretty strong had to give up trying to lift my Dad off the floor, it was ruining his back. It was like lifting a 150 lb dead-weight.
Before bringing Dad to your home, go visit your sister for a week and you step into her shoes for the whole time. It might be a real eye opener, or you may find yes you can manage this.
Let us know how this turns out.
Alternatively, could dad go into a care facility for those months until you retire?
You and your husband are planning to do this yourselves? Do you plan on having an overnight aid ( at 25$/hour) so 200$ per night. That's 6k per month for an overnight aide.
Treat this as a math problem and you'll see why a nursing home at 10-12k per month is actually a bargain.
IF you decide to take your father into your home, then don't become resentful because other family members don't help you. It will be your choice alone to take your father into your home, so it will all be on you,
My husband and I have been able to manage things, as well. We attribute all this to the Lord. He gives us strength in tough times. I love my Mom tremendously and did my Dad as well. I would not trade this time for anything. My Mom is one of the greatest ladies I will ever know, and even in her difficult times, she is a blessing and I would never have it any other way.
I know for some their situations are different and they do the best they can, and do what they think is best.
Love covers a multitude of sins.
I do hope that someone will love me enough to want to care for me if I ever need it.
I believe if there is any way possible a child should take care of their parents. Again, I know there are situations that differ and everyone does the best they can, and what they think is best.
But again Grammy, thank you for sharing that some people are able to endure to the end.
She, her husband, her sister, their adult children, even grandchildren...many people involved in caregiving, so no one is too overworked. Friends visit. This truly is a unique situation.
I wish everyone had this much love and help.
God bless you and your family.
My husband and I have cared for my mom at varying levels since 2009 when she was diagnosed. The past 4 years it has been 24/7. We different from other posters in that it actually strengthened our entire family, my husband and my relationship, our adult children, and even our grandchildren...we have always been very close, this just added more compassion and caring and understanding to our lives.
All that said, you have to be willing to make the commitment. As others said, someone must be home at all times. When there are birthday parties, my husband and I each go for half. Other events, one or the other attends. Occasionally one of our daughters, or my sister, will come stay with Mom. My sister can't lift her so I can't leave her with mom for more than an hour or so.
My mom only weighs 75lbs at this point, but it still takes two to change her, rolling back and forth is required and managing her octopus arms ;-)...I can do it alone but it is challenging... My husband never does the intimate part of changing, I don't feel it is fair to him or her, so if I leave for very long, one of our daughters comes to help with changing. Mom is totally incontinent, so that involves total cleaning, application of barrier cream, putting on a new disposable brief, and repositioning her.
Mom prefers to spend her days in the living room so we have to move her from her bedroom to the living room. Mom has not walked in over 2 years and she is beginning to have some constrictions. Her legs curl, she cannot sit up without support, and she has very limited control of her hands and arms. It takes a dead lift to move her to her transport chair, then in to her recliner in the living room. She has to be moved back every 2-3 hours to change her. She also has to be repositioned every 1-2 hours to prevent pressure ulcers.
Mom lost control of her hands about 2 1/2 years ago, so we had to start hand feeding her. She was still able to walk and talk but just couldn't control her hands. It became increasingly more frustrating for her. So we started feeding her meals and snacks (and fluids) throughout the day. She has also developed a delayed swallow and will pocket food and drinks. We have to watch carefully and give verbal and physical cues to get her to swallow. No aspiration yet, thanks heaven.
My mom can no longer "talk" but she rambles incoherently much of the day and some nights. She will make a coherent statement sometimes. I think her receptive language skills are better... But her expressive language skills are very compromised.
Often mom doesn't sleep at night, she will cry out for me "Mama!!!!" (That is what she calls me now). On those nights, I have a small recliner in her room. I sleep there so I can comfort her by holding her hand, patting her, singing her a song... Whatever makes her feel safe.
I love my mom and I am very willing to spend this time with her. Our children, grandchildren and friends still come and hang out. We individually bag all briefs, take out the trash often, do lots and lots of laundry, and purchase Fabreeze by the case ;-). I will never regret having this time with mom.
Talk to your sister if you are sure this is what you are willing and able to do then have the conversation.
I mentioned a lot of points earlier but I left out the toll it took on our marriage.
My husband was the one who wanted my mom to live with us. I didn't think it was a good idea. He's Mexican and the culture is very family oriented. I gave in and my mom lived with us 3 months before we were snapping at each other.
While mom had let my husband paint her nails in the memory care facility, she completely forgot who he was in our home and she'd scream when he tried to physically help her (walking, toileting, washing, etc.). That meant I had to do EVERYTHING. I work 3 days a week and he works from home. But now I had no help. Thankfully he did 90% of the housework.
The constant confusion, questions, screaming and needing to be watched 24 hrs a day made us cranky with her and each other.
3 months later we were shouting and we were so stressed out it was affecting our marriage.
With the help of everyone on this board (who told me the same thing as they're telling you), we had to place her in a MC facility again.
Believe it or not, she's happier and we are too. It's a win-win for us. They give great care.
Have you asked your nephew what it's like?
Go ahead and bring your dad home. We'll be here when you need us.
You and husband can never leave the house together without a caregiver there.
No vacations
No friends visiting because they don't or can't cope with dad.
House smelling
Can't just run out, go shopping or have coffee.
Dad's needs require a village, your nephew has him in his home but it is to much for sister, what? This should bring up questions to discuss with sister. She may be trying to save you from the inevitable heartache. Also placing dementia patients earlier has been proven to be easier for them to adjust, later makes it harder for them.
time in my life. Your dad may not be at the point of constantly repeating himself every five minutes, but he may get there. I can tell you after you hear him yell is it time to get up at 6:00am after being up wondering the house all night every day of your life with
no help you will have a different view. Even with help it will get very hard to take day after day. I feel like I have been in a war zone. Good luck and God bless you!
You say that his legs are very weak, and that he has dementia.
You also say that you are physically and emotionally prepared to care for him.
What I'm asking is, do you fully appreciate what you would need to do?
Assistance with activities of daily living:
Transferring and toileting
Washing
Dressing
Showering/bathing
Taking medications
Maintaining any physical or occupational therapy routines...
These are the examples that spring to mind immediately, without even making any allowance for the frightening and exhausting behaviours that can occur as dementia advances. Carrying out these tasks with a docile, co-operative person is plenty to have on your plate; but you already know that your father kicked against assisted living, where he had trained aides, and has proved too much for your sister, and the dementia will make life considerably more difficult and complicated as time goes on.
To cut it short - I don't think you are being realistic about what caring for your father will involve.
Have you talked with your sister about this? How does she feel?
Is she fighting you? Do you and your sister have a good relationship?
It’s not like you can’t change your mind. Addie. Do what you can and if and when things change, you can adjust.
Be sure to get plenty of help. The more help you get the longer you’ll be able to keep him with you. Come back and let us know how it goes.
You seem to have a tremendous desire to take care of your father in your home and a wonderful relationship that would make things easier. If your sister agrees, and he comes to live with you, avail yourself of all the assistance you can get. Come here often for support. If the time comes that he needs care that you cannot give him, find a suitable nursing home. If you ever get to that point, the nursing home will take on a new aura. It will no longer be “too depressing”. You will see it with new eyes. But it sounds as if you’re not there yet.
My parents have recently moved into a nursing home together. Yes, it has old, tired people who just sit around most of the time, but my parents did that at home too! For years their doctors were advising us to place them in a nursing home (they had too many problems to qualify for assisted living), but though they qualified for one, we, the children, weren’t ready. So we became the nursing home. We did this until we started to unravel, physically and mentally. We are still managing their care, and one or two of us are there daily. The amazing thing is that, those tired old people I used to view as depressing in the nursing home are people with names who share a little of their life with you before they drop off to sleep or fade back into their dementia. These are people who clasp hands with my parents as they roll past them in the hall, and whose faces light up when they see each other. This nursing home has live music and other entertainment five to six days a week - lovely, talented volunteers who freely give of their time.
Go ahead and take care of your father in your home for as long as you can without compromising your health and marriage. There are people on this forum who have been able to do it until the very end. You may be one of them .......or not. You will know.
Dad will not be admitted to a nursing home unless he needs that level of care -- they are not like hotels you can just sign into.
Once a person needs NH level care, it is very hard to provide it in a private home, even with hired caregivers. The hired caregivers might be just as skilled as the ones in NH but there is only one of them at a time. In a NH if an emergency arises there are several other staff members who can pitch in.
My mother lived with my sister as long as she needed "assisted living" levels of care. When it became necessary to have NH level, we placed her in an NH, where she was content for the final couple years of her life.
How does your family (husband and kids) feel about him living with you? Do they "understand" dementia?
Have you ever taken care of someone with Alzheimer's before?
What condition is your back in? You'll be doing a lot of heavy transfering, lifting and repositioning as time goes on.
Who will give you respite breaks? You have to have them or you'll loose YOUR mind.
Are you prepared to "baby proof" the house?
Demented elders get into all kinds of "trouble" (like a toddler). Can you disable the car so he can't drive it? Can you get more locks or alarms installed on all door exits?
They can be like Houdini in "escaping".
Are you mentally prepared for constant reminding, constantly answering questions (50+ times a day), constantly dropping what you're doing to assist to the bathroom or cleaning up "accidents"? Being on the receiving end of demented anger and physical violence? Trying to convince him to take his pills that he just spit across the table?
Do you have the nerve to hold up under him screaming at the top of his lungs at 2 am?
I have asked you these questions because it was only part of what I went through caring for my mother with stage 6 Alzheimer's. This will be your reality.
Go visit him wherever he lives now. Spend ALL day there. That should give you an idea what's in store for you.
Think long and hard AFTER you've done a lot of research on the disease of Alzheimer's.
If you have Dad move in with you, you would need to set up his room like that of a nursing home. Thus, a hospital bed, wheelchair or rolling walker if Dad is now a fall risk, wider doors in the house if a wheelchair is needed to be used, a hoya lift in case Dad can no longer walk and you cannot physically move him from his bed to the wheelchair.
Be prepared to not sleep nights, as some patients with memory issues will stay up all night calling for you or if that person is mobile to wander throughout the house, and even go outdoors in the middle of the night.
Be prepared for Dad to refuse to take showers or baths, that is also common. And refuse to go to doctor appointments. For you, if you need to go to the grocery store, you wouldn't be able to leave Dad home alone, thus he will need a skilled caregiver to come in to help. Or you can order groceries on-line if you live near enough to a grocery store that has home delivery.
Oh the list goes on and on. it's not a easy task. About 40% of caregivers die leaving behind their love one they were caring for. it is just such exhausting work.
Now if your Dad can budget for one shift of caregivers, that would give you a break to do major housework, run to the grocery store, go to your own appointments, etc. My Dad had around the clock caregivers, it cost him $20k per month.
What are your sister's reasons?
What are your reasons?
What, if he's able to give an opinion, does your father want?