So what do you do with an aging parent that is just a kook?

No I would not be willing to become her "guardian". I am trying to oversee her state of living as best as I can, but also with the knowledge that her decisions and behavior had consequences, and, here we are living with them now - not my responsibility to shoulder that burden. I did not visit the hospital during this last stay and they ended up sending her home in a cab.

Guardianship costs money. The person applying for guardianship also has to be willing and able to do what is required as a guardian. Are you willing and able to be your mother's guardian? If the answer is no, that's perfectly acceptable and no one should try to guilt or manipulate you into doing so.

Even in states with filial responsibility laws, they usually enforce them for child support and not for parental support. There are a few states like Connecticut that do enforce filial responsibility laws for parents younger than 65 years of age.

Your mother is on Medicare. She qualifies for Medicaid if need be. She qualifies for food stamps if need be. She qualifies for a whole host of taxpayer-funded resources. Let a trained, professional social worker from the Department of Aging deal with her.

Upstream, your mother's demands are going to kill you. It will be tough, but you probably will need to go to court for guardianship for peace. If your mom's finances allow, let her stay at her house, but hire someone to stay there. Best through a company, so someone is always around. Once you have control over the situation, the stress decreases. Yes, Mother will get upset, but she will learn to live with decisions. My FIL was like this. He was a powerful business owner. He bought me to tears almost everyday. After a sitter was hired, he was mad for a while. Finally he accepted the situation and Hubby/I had peace that he was ok, while we worked in our business.

If she has no durable power of attorney she cannot make legally binding decisions. Adult Protective Services - as well as other entities that have to follow the law - know that.

You can report her to APS anonymously. ***All states*** accept voluntary reports, allow for anonymous reports, and provide good-faith reporters with legal protections. 

Getting pregnant and having a baby does not a parent make! Step away from the guilt trip.

It may not help to know, but certainly its worth noting that...when it comes to caregiving ...ALL are an only child!

Call Adult Protective Services!! Explain what's going on...caution: when you do, they will get involved and begin to push you to make decisions for your mother, or they will for her. It's fairly traumatic -- I went through it a year ago. Keep in mind, though, your life is important, too -- you need to clear the crap from it so you can live your second half in peace and good (mental) health.

upstream, I have one at 86 years old and she’s only a sugar-addled diabetes 2 person but still the same woman wrapped inside! I’m an only child too. I’ve seen a few people mention counseling, but not sure of your response. Your insurance will cover LCSW visits, or find an alcohol/narcotics anonymous group. This forum is *awesome*! but I’d get what I call ‘coaching’ asap, you deserve personal support.

She is still your mama.

Why are you stuck with her? She's the one who engaged in alcohol and benzo addiction. Only SHE can seek help, but she must want it. Praying for you. If she wants, she can seek help from ReformU.com, which is an addiction site.

Hi Upstream,
i really feel your pain!
my mom is an alcoholic- and she’ll abuse any drug she can get her hands on.
my wonderful stepdad passed away a few years ago and she really went downhill.
all of the same things happening that you outlined.
very hard to help an addict. My sister and I have been backing away- we both are married and work full time. I actually had to block her calls .
Sometimes you just have to let go..

When I read the heading for your post, I thought, why does anything have to be done with her? (I'm 74 and would hate it if my daughter felt like this) Now I have read the post fully I can sort of understand your problem.

My first reaction is that you are not responsible for your mother and her behaviour. On the other hand I know the feeling of guilt which goes along with having aging parents. It is almost impossible to just tell yourself that any self-destructive behaviour (or the consequence thereof) is not your responsibility to control.

You didn't mention whether or not you are married and if so, how your spouse feels about your feelings of responsibility for her.

Do you have anyone to talk to who can also talk to her? Is there a doctor or religious leader who can put you in touch with the right resources? Perhaps you might even ask a lawyer if you do bear any legal responsibilities where you live. Would she consider seeing a counsellor with you? If I think of my own deceased mother, I know she would not have even considered it.

I don't feel I have been helpful at all and I hope some of the other responders have practical ideas

Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families has helped me tremendously. Mom had attended AA years before her massive stroke last summer. There's a great saying I learned:
The 3 C's
I didn't CAUSE it
I can't CONTROL it
I can't CURE it

Upstream:

I agree with disgustedtoo.

You will likely NOT get POA of DPOA unless she is deemed INCOMPETENT by a court, or she designates you POA or DPOA.

If she will not appoint you as her Power of Attorney, there is nothing you can do.

If you attempt to force her to appoint you, it may be considered undue influence.

If she complains, you could be charged with financial elder abuse by doctors, her attorney or social services agencies.

Based on your description of your mother, it sounds as if arguing with her may further entrench her in her refusals to do the right things that may help her.

Based on her drinking, drug mismanagement, and falling, she will likely not live into her 90s.

I am sorry you are dealing with this.

Set down rules about how you will be treated and if she doesn't comply, hang up or leave. Eventually she will get it. I would DEFINITELY speak with her doctor about her medication and alcohol abuse! I cared for my mother for 8 years and she would speak badly about my father - I told her that kind of talk wasn't tolerated in my home - I wouldn't listen to it and she finally stopped. It sounds like you could possibly use a couple Al-Anon meetings for support. They are a wonderful group who understands and helps to give you the tools to handle an alcoholic. If you tolerate her behavior, you are enabling it to continue. I had an alcoholic husband and those meetings really helped me to understand alcoholism and what I was doing to enable it. I wish you strength and perseverance!

I am reaching out with a reaction to your posting. I have responsibility for my aging parents (5 yrs now), have all the same feelings about what’s happening and what can happen to my own life, and often climb the walls worried about how long this could go on! I haven’t figured it out for myself yet so I’m not going to comment on that. The only thing I wanted to say is that if your mother has the financial means, then it’s possible to hire someone to help you —even a “live in” (which ranges from just being there a few days/nights per week to 24/7). You could figure out a creative way to frame the role (eg., you can call him or her a “personal assistant”, etc). It would take a special person to be the right kind of companion for your parent. There may not be great potential for your mom to form a good relationship, so hiring a caregiver/companion may only work if the person approaches the role in a certain way (someone to watch her back rather than control her, etc. And balance that with knowing what to assist her with and when, instead of taking over things). It will take awhile to find the right person. But I’ve done it - not easily - but it’s possible to do. This personal assistant, companion, housekeeper, caregiver, whatever you call him/her for the purpose of helping your parent to accept such a thing, can be hired & even trained by you. I found experienced caregivers who were open to that. I didn’t have the “kooky” to deal with but NO aging parent whos resistive or cooperative, rational or irrational is going to like becoming dependent. It’s tough. I know first hand what it’s like to lose aspects of your life doing parent duty. I’ve reclaimed some of mine ONLY when I’ve had competent, committed caregivers to take my place, who my parents LEARNED to love & count on. It worked because of who the caregivers were as people & because of the work I did to facilitate the formation of the relationships over a period of time (6-12mos). I both lost & fired people in the process. All that said, if your parent is mentally ill impairing her daily functioning and actively drinking then it’s beyond this. It may be time to get professionals involved as well as petition the court for guardianship, etc and move her to an appropriate setting. I hope you find relief.

lindas12;

This goes for anyone else out there in a similar situation.

Like others have suggested to Upstream, set your boundaries and stand firm!

"She likes to talk all day on the phone and complain about her health, her bills(even though she has lots of money) and everything else. She is a chronic complainer. I am the the second to youngest sibling but she puts the most pressure on me to be there for her and to listen to her complain."

  DON'T answer the phone!

"She is bossy and demands me to do things, I do not want to do."

  DECLINE to do anything you do not want to do! AS someone else said, NO is a complete sentence. No need to explain yourself.

"She screams and curses when she does not get her way."

  As with a child throwing a tantrum, let her scream and curse all she wants. If this is on the phone, hang up. Again, don't answer the phone! If she leaves a nasty voicemail, just delete it without listening to it! If she does this in person, politely say you don't have to put up with such behavior and LEAVE!

"She has very little social skills and she hangs up the phone on me when I about to explain how I feel."

  If you take a call and she starts complaining, screaming, cursing, hang up on her first! You do not have to take abuse from anyone, even if it is your parent! If she calls and nicely asks for some help with something, consider it carefully, pause if you have to and make a decision. Stand firm on that decision.

"I feel she has very little respect for me and it has impacted my feelings for her."

  Then you should have little or no respect for her. Until/unless she learns from you refusing to take such abuse, she will continue. Perhaps she will eventually figure it out. If not, you don't have to take any of this from anyone, parent or not.

"She favors my oldest brother and youngest brother and is just so rough around the edges with me."

  If she cares so much for them, let them become the whipping posts!

"I have distanced myself from her because I am just starting to lose my feelings and realize it is just too late in the game for me to keep trying to be close to her. I have tried for years but she refuses."

  Good first start. Stick to it!

"I have my own life and a 15 year old son that I raise alone. I am just learning now to honor myself and put some distance between us because she is not mentally healthy, she never was but now that I am an adult I just don't have the energy to expend on negativity constantly. I want to be happy and peaceful and have healthy relationships not one where she is constantly erupting."

  It is YOUR life, live it! Don't allow her to take over.

"I think it is unfair when parents put so much pressure on their children(young or older) but I do realize it is up to us to set the precedence on how we want things to be."

  YES! If someone has issues that can be dealt with, and they are willing to work with you, fine. But with mental health, WE cannot fix it, only react to it. YOU have to control how you react to it and the best thing you can do is distance yourself. Focus on yourself and your son. It is okay to help out now and again if she learns to behave, but if not, let her call your brothers.... When they get fed up with it, they can do the same. But that is for them to decide. YOU can only take care of YOU!

As I replied to Upstream, much of this sounds heartless, but in order to preserve our own health and sanity, sometimes this is what it takes. She is an adult and barring inability to care for herself, let her lie in the bed she has made.

Upstream;

"For so many reasons, I cannot take her into my home, it would ruin my life."
  ABSOLUTELY stick to that!!

"But I am stuck with her living 4 houses away from me."
  Just because she lives close doesn't mean you have to drop in or that she will drop by. It is great for those who have a good relationship and a parent who needs and appreciates assistance, but in your case, she is just another neighbor. Don't drop anything for this woman!

"I don't know what on earth I am supposed to do with her in the upcoming years."
  WHY do you feel you have to do anything with her? She is "competent", has a house and money, let her take care of herself.

"She does not have dementia, she has money, she has a house & 2 cars, and persistently says she will commit suicide before considering assisted living or anything like that. She says she will "die in that house"."
  This is her life, let her live it or not. You cannot change her, you can only change yourself and your responses to others' behavior!

You have no obligation to provide any care for this woman. Others have suggested getting POA, but that can only work if 1) she AGREES to it and 2) she becomes incompetent or allows you to take over. I would not waste my time on that. Ensure that dad's income/assets are separate from hers and do what you have to do for him.

Focus on YOUR life, YOUR marriage, YOUR health and well-being. She has her own destiny and there are no rules saying that you have to intervene (even if you did, what would that accomplish?)

Set those boundaries - if you feel you need to help at all, take that suggestion about allocating a specific day and time to take care of anything that needs doing (What would she need anyway?? She has two cars - god forbid that she drive drunk. She has money - she can order stuff to be delivered if she cannot drive.) With caller ID, you should know it is her calling - let it go to voice mail! You do NOT have to answer, you do NOT have to say how high when she says jump.

If she has more rehabs/hospital stays and they call to have you bring her home, decline. They cannot force you to do this. They usually determine if someone has a safe environment to return home to, and if you decline, they *could* decide not to release her to her own home. Let THEM make that determination (do beware, there are some states that can try to make you responsible in some way, but consult with an Elder Care attorney could provide you with a way to avoid that.)

Some of what is suggested here sounds heartless, but you cannot help someone who refuses to help themselves. She can ruin your life, your marriage, even your job if you let her. Draw that line in the sand and STICK to it!

Upstream
1. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO VENT, IT'S CALLED STRESS AND A VERY TIRED BRAIN😉
2. Where the hell is her GP?
3. Talk with her doctor 1 on 1
4. Keep a diary with
a) how often she becomes drunk and days
b) that she threatens suicide and how often in a week
c) how many times day/night she calls as well as her condition/what she is saying/length of conversation(s)
d) USE your cellphone to video what/how she is when you're at the house. The interior condition(s), HER physical appearance, talking or being vile toward people NOT THERE or are i.e. YOU
e) her doctor is REQUIRED x Law to place her in assisted living/nursing home.
d) start looking into facilities until you find one YOU'RE HAPPY with. Get a caseworker who is very well versed in this area of elder care, this help is free of cost. Don't go thru the Doctor for this, get the caseworker thru a very reputable in-home care company. I was extremely blessed when I had to place my Mom/step-father in assisted living.
e) TAKE HER CAR KEYS AWAY. GIVE HER A DUMMY KEY TO THE CARS
Now, do you have original copies of Mom's Will, Living Will, signer on her bank account(s), talk with her Attorney to get temporary guardianship/conservator then go to Court to be appointed permanent.
**YOU may need to inform ALL INTERESTED PARTIES (those in immediate family) as they may think that Mom promised them something or have objection to you being appointed**
I LIED to my step-father telling him that me & my husband were moving him into a special hotel with staff licensed to help him take care of Mom when she is released from the hospital (really bad UTI or infection due to (GROSS) bed bug bites ALL OVER HER BODY & doctors had her on 3 antibiotics because they couldn't determine which or both).
It takes on average, 6 months to become acclimated, so keep your visits to almost none, but call her 1-2 times a month.
My Mom/step-father both suffer Alzheimer's and step-father has dementia too. He will occasionally ask when they are going home. EVERYONE in the family has been instructed to tell him that he does not need to worry as everything is being taken care of by me. That his JOB is to take care of Mom and their dog Lady. Makes him happy until he asks again. They are living in a BEAUTIFUL assisted living group home. They have live interactive entertainment, Mom is Queen of Bingo! Contracted doctor/team specialized in Elder care. I receive reports EVERY TIME Mom is examined, her meds have to be changed, if she would have to go to the hospital. They have the ONLY suite (just like a studio apartment with access to the back patio, fenced area for Lady, doggie door since step-father forgets to let Lady out now (yes, I pay extra for this), young daughter of a married couple day care staff gets an allowance ($50) a month to play with Lady every day. LADY HAS HER OWN INVOICING ACCOUNT!!! I'm Mom's guardian/conservator and live out of State. I MUST go once a month and do SURPRISE visits to the facility UNLESS I need to talk with the manager (I take her to lunch then). It kills me that I HAD to do this AND when I have to leave. I take care of all the bills, maintenance of house/property AND have an attorney to help get 50% of bills (except Mom's personal) per AZ COMMUNITY LAW & step-siblings don't like as well as #1 of 4 committed MAJOR FRAUD BY LEAVING AZ WITH OVER $30.000 FROM MOM'S ACCOUNTS!!
I hope this helps you regarding things that are in front of you.
#1 CONTACT ATTORNEY AND GO FOR IT!!!
All $ will come from Mom's Estate. ANYTHING you must do for Mom, you are paid back from estate BUT you have a choice.
1. Keep receipts/record what/why you spent money out of pocket, VERY VERY IMPORTANT
2. Keep track of you time spent to do what is necessary at the rate a professional guardian/conservator is paid with details recorded.
3. You must choose which way you will be repaid & whether or not you'll wait until Mom has passed. HER ATTORNEY WILL HELP YOU.

Excellent suggestions. Also, the next time the mother is drinking and driving, report her anonymously to 911. After a few times of that, maybe a bit of jail time would help or at the very least take her driver's license away. Report her to APS.

Then, if she already doesn't have a POA, get a POA and sell the cars.

Additionally, you could change your telephone number, get it unlisted and blocked and not give the mother the phone number.

Really, consider moving so you can have that physical barrier of distance. It really does help. When I was in a 2nd very short marriage to a man who was badly alcoholic and I was an emotional wreck and beginning after 2-3 years to see how things were going, I finally left on a short travel job out of state. It was then, with time and distance that I could begin to see objectively and realized that I was important and could not continue deteriorating, if not for myself, at least for my kids.... so I filed for divorce..... best decision of my life!

Now, I realize you can't "divorce", but you CAN "divorce" yourself from the situation.... do it for YOU, do it for your husband, but do it. This woman in name only is mother, but she has not been a mother to you. Help yourself while you can, and have a happy life !!! If it takes moving, do it... find a way.... reinvent yourself!

Covert Narcissistic. Protect yourself.

Upstream, your reply to me yesterday said “So yes I brought her the cigarettes and she laid a big guilt trip on me. Probably shot my day at work and I have a big deadline I am working on. She is pretty much homebound at the moment and has no friends or other family. The situation is just miserable.” I was so genuinely sad to read this. Wow, has your mom got you trained like a whipped puppy. I hate to see anyone live like this. What do you think she has no other friends or family? Her demanding behavior has driven them away! But she’s trained you to take it and come back for more. You’ve done a good job explaining her and the mess, you acknowledge that it’s causing problems with your marriage, which needs to be a far higher priority than trying to fix what can’t be fixed with mom, but you won’t commit to anything to change this. The change has to come from you. Please have the courage to take action and step back from this. Concentrate on your marriage, your job, your wishes and life. Your mom will be okay, she will figure out others to do what she wants. So many here often root for people to make changes before they end up with issues they don’t see coming, bad health themselves, divorce, financial crisis, etc. We may be strangers but we want better for you

What do you do? I'll share with you some ideas.

1) Find yourself a professional you can open up to. You are navigating very difficult and stressful times. It would help to have a neutral party you can talk to—if nothing else to help sort out your feelings and have someone in your court.
2) Think about your dreams. I know it's very hard when you are tired, but this can really help with the big picture.
3) Do your dreams involve moving somewhere special you always wanted to go? If so, act on it! Make sure your father is in a good facility or take him with you if you can.

If you continue to live near your mother I guarantee she is going to take you down with her. It's hard enough setting boundaries with someone with a substance dependence and personality disorder when you don't live close to them. It's nearly impossible to set solid boundaries with someone who lives down the street and has those kinds of mental problems.

Even when an elderly relative is a somewhat sane person, it's tough setting boundaries when you live close. I have seen this with a dear family member caring for her parents, and it's at the point that her body is about as wrecked as her centennial family members, and we now have to worry about her. She isn't even 70 yet!

Do not let your mother ruin any more of your life with her selfish decisions. If you feel bad, you can try to put her in assisted living, but if she is capable of caring for herself it is something you can't really enforce.

Sadly, some family members (including parents and siblings) are this, and us helping isn't really helping—it's just enabling their crappy behavior and ruining our own lives—as well as the lives of other people who depend on us. If the mentally ill users decide they need help (beyond enabling), they seek it on their own...not because they are "helped" into it. Most don't.

I've had to make this choice to walk away from my own parents, and while I hear sad stories about them once in a while ruining parts of their lives I know their story would not change much if I was there. They'd simply wreck mine as well. I'd be so stressed I'd either be self-destructive (BTDT) and/or would take out my stress and hurt my own sweet family (BTDT, too). But I realized that I deserved better, and I'd rather be a good wife and mother than a "good daughter." I'm also finding I'm simply a good and happy me for once. It's been a decade, and I do not regret this decision for a second.

I feel similar to you. As I have a mom who is 81 years old. However, I do have 5 siblings so it takes the pressure off a bit. She likes to talk all day on the phone and complain about her health, her bills(even though she has lots of money) and everything else. She is a chronic complainer. I am the the second to youngest sibling but she puts the most pressure on me to be there for her and to listen to her complain. She is bossy and demands me to do things, I do not want to do. She screams and curses when she does not get her way. She has very little social skills and she hangs up the phone on me when I about to explain how I feel. I feel she has very little respect for me and it has impacted my feelings for her. She favors my oldest brother and youngest brother and is just so rough around the edges with me. I have distanced myself from her because I am just starting to lose my feelings and realize it is just too late in the game for me to keep trying to be close to her. I have tried for years but she refuses. She also has mental issues: anxiety, lack of sleep, bipolar, was also in a mental institution when she was younger, abuse, etc. I am just so tired trying to figure her out. I have my own life and a 15 year old son that I raise alone. I am just learning now to honor myself and put some distance between us because she is not mentally healthy, she never was but now that I am an adult I just don't have the energy to expend on negativity constantly. I want to be happy and peaceful and have healthy relationships not one where she is constantly erupting. My mother also used "suicide threats" for a super long time to get attention. Now that she is older she is afraid to die so she does not say this anymore. I think it is unfair when parents put so much pressure on their children(young or older) but I do realize it is up to us to set the precedence on how we want things to be.

Upstream, this bit:

"...So yes I brought her the cigarettes and she laid a big guilt trip on me...."

Uh? Why, did you?

Pause for thought.

Two lists.

1. Taking the last six months, say, write down the tasks you have done on your mother's behalf.

2. In principle, write down what you believe are an adult child's responsibilities towards its parent, making due allowances for particular, explicable extras. E.g. assisting with travel insurance proposals, because I care to see it's done right even if she doesn't. Or, taking her to the mall once a month because she likes it and it's no trouble.

Once you've done that, take a highlighter to any tasks that appear on 1. that are not sanctioned on 2.

Then think what you might say to anyone who told you, for example, that they felt forced to leave their place of gainful, purposeful employment, where they were busy, in order to buy cigarettes for their solvent, able-bodied mother.

As others have said, this is about boundaries; but in your case it is also about resolving the issue, in your own mind, as to whether your mother is or is not a competent adult. If she is, it's right to enforce normal standards of acceptable behaviour. If she isn't, it's right to seek (and if necessary impose) support from outside so that you're not carrying the whole burden. But the pattern that's been established so far is heads she wins and tails you lose.

Are you just going to stand there and take it?

It is extremely important to know and understand that you cannot live another person's life--for better or worse. So where does that leave you? Obviously you care about what befalls your mother. But short of giving up your own life and devoting yourself to the FUTILE attempts to live her life for her what can you do that will satisfy your desire to be as helpful as you can? I think that the answer is this: Decide that your ONLY responsibility is to do what you can to contribute to her COMFORT without doing so much that it ruins your life. You have no obligation to see to it that nothing bad happens to her (which is probable) but only to do for her what you are comfortable in doing. A visit or call now and then; some acts of kindness. A treat now and then. And do NOT let her "make" you do a single thing that you don't want to do. This is a hard decision to make but it is the only one that will not ruin your health and your life. Make it now.

Again, just my opinion and what I would do. I hope she's not driving. She will end up killing a kid or something and end up in prison. if she has addiction issues she's in serious trouble at that age, and she can fall and it be fatal. If I were in your shoes, I would call the sheriff's department, the DEA..whatever it takes.. but that's just me. You have to decide what you have to do.

If doctors messed up my mom I'd call the sheriff's department and talk to a detective..but there is an online DEA report system as well. it only takes one fall it can be quite fatal.
https://apps.deadiversion.usdoj.gov/rxaor/spring/main?execution=e1s1

In my opinion...If my mom were abusing narcotics which doctors prescribe, I would report them to law enforcement. Are the doctors really helping her, or just peddling dope. Remember it's your mom, and your life you are tending to. It's like reporting child abuse, but in this case it's elder abuse which is enabling drug addiction.

If my mom were addicted to narcotics doctors are handing out, that's the first thing I would do is report the doctors to law enforcement. Here is a link to the DEA and online reporting. https://apps.deadiversion.usdoj.gov/rxaor/spring/main?execution=e1s1

I like to remind myself that people have the right to make poor choices. It’s her journey and there is nothing you can do to stop that addiction freight train. What you can do, is control your reaction to it. Breathe. This is not your fault.