I'm unable to care for him at home. Thinks he’s well. When he was home I was unable to keep him safe because he fell constantly. Didn’t allow in home care. Just wanted me to do everything for him. He was verbally abusive and demanding. I was beyond burned out physically and mentally.
Others have given you good suggestions. Not answering all phone calls makes life easier for you. Therapeutic fibs like telling him he has to stay there till the doctor allows him home help, a psychiatric consult for meds to treat his anxiety would be good and so on.
In all of this, look after yourself. Find some other things to focus on. Come back and let us know how you are. You are not alone.
Thank you for your insightful, spot on understanding of my situation. After reading your response I felt as though I had just seen a psychiatrist! Anytime I doubt my decision, I will re-read your reply.
your response was very helpful to me and I will use your suggestions
First off, I would not take away his phone. My mother lives in Memory Care and I would never take HER phone away b/c that's her only means of communication with the outside world. If she were to start calling 911 all the time, then I'd have to take her phone away. But pestering ME with phone calls is easily handled; just let them all go directly to voice mail and call back ONCE a day at the same time and have a conversation. In other words, develop a routine. This will help YOU more than anything else. You'll be prepared at 7 pm (or whenever) to have The Chat with your spouse and that's it. When the question of coming home is brought up, tell him "You are in the ALF under doctor's orders. If & when he says you can come home, we'll talk about it." Then immediately change the subject. The key with dementia is distraction. Have a list of answers ready if he asks why you didn't answer the phone the other 23x he called that day. When you're able to visit again, maybe things will get better.
Wishing you the best of luck!
Good suggestions. As I’m writing this I have a new, simple telephone ordered. Hopefully he’ll use it respectfully
Use the same strategy about the “coming home” question. “When the doctor says you’re stronger, when it gets warmer outside, if MY doctor says I can do what you need, once the paint dries, ..........
The point is to give him an open ended answer that will provide comfort enough for him to adjust to his new surroundings.
It also might be a good idea to find out if his AL has a psychologist/psychiatrist who might be able to help determine the most practical ways to keep his behaviors under better control. It’s also possible that a small dose of medication could be helpful.
For yourself, rest when you can, plan yourself some little treats and enjoyable activities, and trust yourself that you’ve made loving and caring decisions on his behalf.
Your suggestions were very helpful to me. The facility has put him in touch with a psychiatrist who has adjusted his meds.
Finally, the memory care staff suggested we get rid of the phone, since it agitated her. They told us almost no one in the memory care wing had a phone. They offered to have her call us from the staff phone if we wanted to talk to her on the phone. Eventually, she stopped asking to "go home." We visit in person or by video chat using a device provided and operated by the staff.
Your husband will never understand why he can't go home. Just have to continue with little white lies.
If you do take the phone, make the RN or Administrator aware so they don't have staff looking for it or accuse someone. My daughter says that has happened in the facilities she has worked. A resident is missing their phone. A report has to be generated and staff look high and low, only to find a family member took it.
Such sweet words and spot on!