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My spouse has cared for a spouse and grandmother for the twenty years that we have been together. Two years ago, things took a turn and both grandmother and parent became bed bound. Spouse did all possible still then washing clothes, changing diapers, running errands, doctor appointment, washing heads, feeding, lawn and house upkeep, etc. Then a back injury took place because my spouse already suffers from serious pain issues and depression. Grandparent passed a year ago but that still left the parent who is much more difficult to work with on a daily basis. The parent is highly critical, will not take medicine, constantly removes oxygen, refuses to eat on most days, and refuses to wear diapers, which means we constantly wash truckloads of clothes. Not only that, this parent wears the lifeline machine out, which means we constantly get calls all times of day and night to come and open the door for ambulance because on most occasions it is that the parent has gotten out of bed and fallen. Because of this difficulty spouse wants to get a key made and leave it somewhere on the porch for the ambulance people. We are not sure that is a good idea. Hospice was coming out twice a day and that system was so abused that now they only comes out once a day for only an hour. This parent lives alone. So on weekends we are on duty to provide care and every time the button gets pushed, this is about once or twice a week. Parent has been suggested to by hospice, by hospital staff, and by family, that nursing home is best option. However, that idea is angrily refused every time. We are also caring for my aging parents (80) and it is tiresome because I have to travel 30 minutes each way to care for them. At least with them so far it is just helping with cooking and meds setup. We have small children who life also seems to be on hold because we are on call for the problem parent. Some days spouse gets so uptight and depressed when the weekend nears. Some days spouse goes on weekend and says the house looks like a hurricane has hit, diapers either off and on buck naked, telephones and meds in bed and on floor, clothes everywhere and the house smelling from the truckload of laundry. We’ve tried contacting aging council, mental professionals both at hospital and outside of hospital, social workers with all saying since parent is of sound mind they cannot make them go to nursing home. So care is pushed back to spouse and some days spouse can’t get himself to do anything. Because of my past with parent, I will not go over to do for parent unless spouse is present but I will do the cooking, shopping, and laundry although it gets tiresome. So I’m wondering do we need something in writing to protect ourselves from the parent who says she will get us in trouble for neglect? We have two small children that we have to make sure gets their homeschool work done. At times, it feels that all we do is work and no downtime. I’m sure that’s our life – all work and no play.

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answry, you went through a lot and I am sorry for your loss.
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You all were so wonderfully helpful to us during a very difficult journey. So when we had to start notifying family of mom-in-laws (mom) passing, we thought of you all. She passed around 2:30 this morning from her medical issues.
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Wonderful news. We've all been rooting for you!
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I'm sooooo happy for you, and ultimately, it's the best thing for your MIL.
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Answry, WONDERFUL! Get a good nights sleep tonight. Hopefully this will be the end of it!
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OMG you all are our angels. Mom is in the nursing home. Without the help, advice, and support from you all we would still be spinning our wheels. We did not know that it was done because we are guessing family members and social workers are still angry at our decision. The calls stopped after my last post so I called the nursing home today just to see and they let us know brother signed her in yesterday. Spouse went and paid the fee to cover remainder of month but did not visit. They wanted to get permission from brother for spouse to receive updates but he decided to leave that up to mom. I guess she is angry right now as well. We will see what happens next month. We will see if sister comes to rescue her in a few weeks.

At any rate, much love, thanks, and hugs to all who helped us.

With that being said, we never, ever want to go through this again.
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My guess, is they got the placement worked out and they will need hubby's signature. Unless MIL is a protected person, he will have to sign. Social Worker has no legal responsibility or right to. Have hubby call her back pronto before the spot is taken by someone else.
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Not sure. Maybe they need a "responsible party" to sign her out of hospital? I would check with my attorney before you signed anything, since hubby is not poa and you are not assuming responsibility for her. I WOULD cal back hospital social worker. Just don't say yes to anything.
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Nursing home called and said mom being admitted tomorrow. They wanted to know who is going to sign her in. Not sure if that is true because shortly after the SW at hospital called and left voicemails on home and cell phone (several) all saying emergency and he needed to speak to spouse stat about mom. But said nothing else.

Does that sound to you like this is a done deal? If they do discharge her to nursing home, will hubby have to sign her in or can hospital SW sign her in? I hope ambulance does not drop mom off at our home or her home and burn rubber.
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Awry. Just read your post on another thread. If it's family members being nasty with hubby, he's just going to have to chalk it up to ignorance on their parts...ignorance about what he's already done for her, ignorance at whatgood placements there are for frail elderly folks, and certainly ignoring how much better off mom is in after having been cared for by professionals for just a brief period of time. We know he loves his mom. Give him a hug from all of us!
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A nurse twice a day is NOT 24-7 care. The people trying to have her get less than that really kind of don't get or don't want to get it. Sorry they are being permitted to be throwing a monkey wrench in the works.
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The first week they said mom was not competent and then a few days later, as we said, the story changed. Maybe all the calls today were last attempts to see if our minds have changed. My hubby was trying to explain to one family member that called that he did not give out their number because he wanted mom in a home. Well this smart person hung up on him before he could get in a few words and then would not answer when he called back. Then the next family member called talking about how family needs to work all together and to communicate and how they plan to pay a nurse to come out twice a day - once in morning and then once in evening. I did not know that nurses would also cook for you, wash clothes for you, and all the things that go on with 24/7 care. Maybe they know something that we do not know. I just want this to be over with and the best outcome for everyone.
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If you don't have poa or guardianship and hospital attempts to discharge her home as competent and you all have made it clear you can't care for her, then whatever happens is on the heads of the discharge folks . you just have to stand firm and not take delivery. You may have to let yhe state take her over.
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And what is the motivation of these "family" members? They clearly do not want to do the caregiving, so why not a safe placement?
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This whole thing is unbelievable! Your only choice may be to say NO, will not do it. What does it take for Social Workers to get realistic?!
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I am having a really hard time understanding why MIL is still considered competent to make these choices, e.g. refusing nursing home - I can see hubby having a hard time emotionally even with legal rights to make that decision, but professionals who can see what has been going on, not so much. Good for hubby saying no to hospice home care, though; going back to what clearly did not work should not even be on the table. What part of "needs round the clock care, cannot be alone" do they not get?
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SW at hospital tells an entirely different story as of Friday. So then, Hospice SW called a couple of times Saturday but did not leave voicemail. Fast forward today. Someone called about signing mom back up for Hospice and spouse says no. Then Hospice SW called and once again did not leave voicemail. Nursing home said at first mom refused the idea completely and then said she will think about it and get back to her. Then here comes the calls from family and let us just say that got ugly. A couple of relatives here refuse to take her saying they cannot do it anymore (hum - when did you ever?). Another family member is claiming to come to the rescue. Yea, let us see if it happens. Discharged moved to Wednesday.

I never knew that getting out of being a caregiver would be this hard. Looks like once you say yes, you can then never say no at least not without a knock-down-drag-out fight.
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You poor things. There are no words to comfort you. Maybe move to Australia and do not leave a forwarding address. Have a peaceful week end.
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Message from nursing home is that SW has still not approved their visit with mom and they will try again Monday. So still no placement. We are going to try to enjoy this weekend and hope you all have a good one as well.
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I'm going to see if I can speak to another attorney about all of this. Well, in that case they would just have to come and get me/us. I'm tired of this and I'm not going back. I can't speak for hubby who is struggling but trying to move forward. I just pass on the suggestions you all give to him as a way to help him at this point.
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We're praying for your answry - just keep saying NO and stay as unavailable as possible. Under no circumstances allow her in your home even for a moment - you could be risking a child abuse charge with a child in your household. I don't think I would want to be involved in POA or guardianship. Just leave her to the state or to the relatives that think they know what they are doing. After all, if she is competent to make decisions than she is competent to talk care of herself. Can anyone tell me if Mom could make an effective neglect charge under these circumstances? Seems like no one should be held responsible for refusing to be slave labor. I know people are afraid of neglect accusations - but what is the reality on this? If a person is considered competent to make choices can they hold anyone else accountable for the bad results?
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lets just hope for the best and that he is not just blowing smoke
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Hubby plans to follow me to work tomorrow so that will take care of tomorrow. We went out of town last weekend so we could probably find something for this weekend. First time in ages that we’ve been able to leave town enjoy, and not have to rush back.

At first they said poa would not work because she was incompetent and now it sounds like things have changed. He is even saying she is refusing to sign anything so why put out any more money. Nursing home going to call tomorrow with their update.

I’m listening closely to hubby and trying to take ques gauging if he is sincere. He says he is dropping at front desk the key to lock he just changed, and her cards that pay her bills. He also says we will not take any more calls after speaking with SW today.
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I still think yiu should all go away for a few days. If hubby wants to stay home so be it.
It is true unless mom is declared incompetent she is free to refuse to go to nursing home.
As I have said before she is not going to sign anything.
The hospital and before them hospice has been trying to tune her up so she can appear capable. I don't know what they are playing at but certainly have an agenda that is not good for you guys or Mom. In the mean time she is thoroughly enjoying herself. Let someone else get the POA and make the arrangements if they want her home. I can not say this often enough Leave, leave, leave. Don't reconnect the utilities she is not safe to be at home. LEAVE
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Everyone got the certified mail today.

So here comes vm from SW at hospital saying the physician forms have been signed and carried back to our attorney. Now it’s asked how we coming with power of attorney. In addition, they asked us to check with nursing home to see what needs to be done by family for placement. All that was told to us previously was get her switched over to Medicaid and the two physician forms.

Nursing home say they have not even been given the ok for a visit and have not received any paperwork from SW for placement when the discharged is said to be taking place this Friday.

Now hubby screaming he knew utilities should not have been disconnected. Now he screaming at the SW because SW is saying mom is still refusing placement and they can't make her.

I'm about to start screaming what all of them can do sick of this. Trying to call APS again but no answer. Even last time speaking to them (APS) it was as long as she is doing better nothing they could do.

I think hubby needs to carry new key to hospital and tell them all to shove it. The system sucks.
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Hubby is adamant that mom is not coming home at least not by him. I hope he can stay strong because the telephone calls have started. Family talking again about hiring people. Hum, that is what you have said repeatedly – but never happened. Hubby explained the situation again because of course they say they had no idea things were that bad. Spouse also told the need for 24/7 care. I guess it is because you are () and do not want to comprehend. Hospice called asking had mom been placed in nursing home and so we went ahead with the certified mails, we shutdown all utilities, and the last thing will be to change the locks. However, with locks changed, hopefully if any family tries to be sneaky they will be forced to come by for key or take her with them. I do not think ambulance service would try to break down door. I pray everything goes off without a glitch. Thanks everyone for keeping us in prayers and mind. Lord knows what is left of the fake family probably will be gone if mom ends up where she does not want to go. I pray that is opposite as well and that everyone eventually understands it is what is best for mom.
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I'd say keep copies of everything you hand-deliver too. Here's hoping you don't need the whole paper trail (though better to have it and not need it than the other way around) and that the next thing that happens is what needs to happen. I think your current SW wants to see a good resolution to this and may be doing the right things the right way, but it sure is hard to tell!
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I had written a long reply but my ISP dropped me so I"ll try again.
Hand delivering a letter does not give you any proof you need a signature. Co-operating with ( and paying) a lawyer to get POA and/or guardianship will get you control and responsibility for MIL.It also won't be the fastest way into a nursing home.
Time for tough love.
Hospice already set you up once don't let the hospital SW do the same. Mom won't sign anything that is a given (and may not be considered competent by the psychiatrist.)
i know this is hard but if hubby makes Mom his first priority over you and your son that is surely a sign of things to come. You may trully love him but is it right to suffer this kind of abuse? He can not manage Mom alone and is not well enough to take proper care of her. Who changes her Depends? cleans the floor? changes her bed? Without your involvement she will be lying in filth within 24 hours and if you let her Adult protective services will be after you and you could be arrested for neglect. leaving aside the fact that she will be crying on the phone to you and calling the numbers those oh so helpful SWs left for her if she ever need any help.
Remember all these people know each other. They go to meetings and conferences and probably have worked together in other organizations as sure as the sun comes up every day they will gang up on you.
So fight for your health, sanity and marriage, even if it means making threats and being prepared to carry them out. Plenty of others have been in similar situations and wished they had behaved differently. loving someone does not guarentee they will love you back, sad as that sounds. I don't mean to be cruel but I do have personal experience living with damaged goods. Your son does not deserve this. you may not talk in front of him but kids have the longest ears in the world.
My advice to you today if it is not too presumptios is to buy your self a new six pack of big girl panties on the way home from work and practice saying "NO" and meaning it, all day. Everytime you go to the rest room look in the mirror and mouth"We are not doing this" Do not sign anything you do not want guardianship or POA. Blessings - will be thinking about you, it is so hard.
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Look at it this way; if you don't have POA or guardianship, them mil is certifying that she is "fine by myself". If she demands to be transported home and husband has already stated that you guys cannot be responsible for her safety, then if they drop it off, it's on their heads and MIL's. This won't happen of course; they will take mil to NH and she'll bleat like a stuck pig for a while and then settle down. Hugs and good thoughts!
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Spoke with SW again and he says mom is still not willing to sign anything. SW suggested seeing a lawyer to have some legal form drawn up that would allow doctor and physiciatrist to give professional opinion. These forms have to be notarized. They plan to get that part done tomorrow. We also got all Medicaid paperwork done. I drafted a letter contesting mom being sent back home and stated where we wanted her transported. When hubby presented the forms, he also hand delivered the letter to social worker. Not sure if that would hold like return receipt. I had planned to send them out today after getting back in town from work. However, SW is claiming the form is all they need. Lawyer says if this does not work, I will deduct what you paid today off my $1500 fee for guardianship, which normally takes about 30 days. Great, if she gets back home it would take an army to remove her.

I am trying to convince hubby to change the locks. I am trying to convince him to power down the home (have utilities disconnected) so that if some smart person tries to bring her back home they would be forced to carry mom with them. Hubby keeps saying wait until we know mom is in the nursing home. What if someone brings mom home and they leave her outdoors after they see everything is cut off. What if hospital discharges mom, brings her back home, and decides to leave her in the front lobby this weekend because everything is cut off.

That is where we are now as of today. Lol when I say we, I mean we as in you all as well.
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