After about a year of getting ready for this move, Mom and Dad move on Wednesday to a two bedroom apt. out of their home of almost 50 years. I am going over for a few days this week and will be there the day before, day of and day after their move to their new place. It is a very emotional time and will bring out the tensions, etc. Mom already can be very demanding and negative of Dad and me and this may make it even worse. How can I stay strong for them and let negative comments roll off my back yet be of the most help to them at this time? I am an only child and have no siblings to bounce opinions off of regarding Mom and Dad. It is emotional for me too, but I need to be strong. Any tips, comments? Thanks in advance
Elders who act out or become nasty,
are kinda regressing to a form of early childhood, when they had trouble finding words to express themselves, and would throw tantrums
--kinda same thing at the other end of the age spectrum.
Fear, changes, sadness, loss of autonomy [control of their own lives], all goad an elder [or anyone!] to behave badly.
YET, even knowing that, it is hard to deal with.
IF there is dementia or mental illness, they might often mimic you if you choose to call them on their behavior
--my Mom did that---
She had been hitting me physically and verbally,
---yet when I said "STOP hitting me! That is abusive, and it hurts!",
---she immediately said "YOU are abusing ME! You stop!"--and kept flailing at me, refusing to get out of the car, refusing to stop doing her behaviors, after having nearly causing an accident.
Clearly, whatever was going thru her mind at that time, was totally off-kilter.
Nursing schools, and other schools teach "Therapeutic Communication" .
One technique is identifying an offender's behavior to them, then describing limits on that behavior.
That only works if someone is in their proper mind.
It does NOT work for someone who is mentally ill or demented.
It was a losing proposition to call Mom on, or identify her behaviors to her,
in any way.
Similarly, it "failed" if I told her I felt sick and needed to rest, since she would immediately claim she was sicker with same [didn't matter what it was],
and sometimes could become quite dramatic.
Siblings, who should have been working together with me to find the best care methods for Mom, fell for her dramatized, twisted stories hook-line-and sinker, then starting to megaphone her behaviors at me as well
[even though they knew how dysfunctional Mom had been all her life].
It seemed prudent to simply let her blow, get out of the way,
and work fast to get her moved elsewhere,
since it was clear her staying with us was not working, only getting worse during the 6 years she stayed here.
Sometimes, if a family has successfully [?!] avoided getting help for a mentally ill member for so many decades, they only get worse over time, and behave very badly when things come to a crisis point.
It can result in the breakup of families.
I will be praying for you.