Mom has demetia and is in an Assisted Living Center. I visit at least 4 times each week and it is not enough for her. The staff says she is fine and that she is just "playing" me. She cries everytime I talk to her or visit her. She begs for me to bring her food, tissues, bandaids...anything that she thinks will get me to visit even more. She socializes and apparently appears happy when I'm not around, but absolutely miserable with me. I know I need to drop the guilt, but how do I get past the feeling that I am letting her down when I don't visit everyday. BTW, she is often angry and says ugly things to me in addition to just being plain miserable. How do I separate from this? Is it okay to stop visiting so often and stop answering the phone when she calls 20 times each day? I work full time and I'm really getting tired and discouraged. Just now...while typing this message, she called and said that I had to get there asap. When I told her I would have someone check on her, she berated me for not caring about her and putting work ahead of everything. HELP!!!
Has your mother always been this emotionally manipulative? It sounds like she is using the fear of making her angry to make you feel obligated if you don't visit everyday and then comes the guilt. Knowing that she socializes and apparently appears happy when you are not around is a better focus for your thinking than you are letting her down because of not visiting or going there asap. I would also try to focus on the fact that your mother is in a safe place and is being cared for.
Evidently, your mother must be functioning fairly well to be in assisted living. If you are seeking permission to not visit her every day and not answer all of her phone calls, then yes you have my permission to set some boundaries. With a full time job, you can't be answering her phone calls 20 times a day. That's just not reasonable. Also, while I'm not a therapist, I would see one to see what help they can give you with the guilt. You have not done anything worthy of guilt. She's putting a guilt trip on you which is "emotional blackmail." I would not visit 4 times a week, but I would consider doing some surprise visits during which you might catch her socializing and being happy which might have the benefit of calling her game. I wish you well as you try to find your way out of the emotional F.O.G. (fear, obligation and guilt).
Visit as often as it suits YOU. Do not take phone calls during your work day. As geewiz suggests, leave or end the phone call if she gets nasty.
It doesn't sound like she really misses you and wants to see you. It sounds more like she enjoys watching you jump through hoops and seeing if she can manipulate you. Those are not roles that a dutiful daughter needs to fulfill.
I watched my Mom go through so much emotionally during her final years. Between her fear of illness, the failing mobility, the strangeness of not living the life she imagined she'd have at her age... it's not hard to imagine the emotional roller-coaster she's experiencing. And the fear.
I think my Mom expected me to be able to wave a magic wand and make everything better for her. I'm tearing up as I write this because I NEVER could make anything completely better. It's an impossible task. Aging is horrible for many of us. The panic attacks your Mom is having when she demands this and that from you is somewhat normal.
Your task is difficult. You need to develop that inner gut feeling about what's a real emergency and what's not. This isn't easy to do. I still have guilt for the times when I shunned action and my Mom was legitimately suffering. But the "cry wolf" syndrome has bad consequences. I explained this to her, but it didn't make a difference.
I can't imagine what I'll be like when I'm a senior. I pray I'm not as full of confusion, loneliness, fear, boredom and anxiety as my Mom was.
note: the multiple phone calls I understand. before I left my career to take care of my Mother full-time... I'd get calls from her AND her agency caregiver throughout the day. Eventually, I just learned to screen the calls. Turn off the ringer (vibration is quiet) and ignore 19 of the 20 calls she gives you. Follow up after work with 1 phone call and ask her about her day. I eventually added a date night with my Mom. Just the two of us. Dinner, movie, shopping! Her favorite things. I did this once a week, but it can be done once a month or bi-monthly. It allowed us to bond, it allowed her to have something to look forward to, and I got to know my Mother and hang out with her for fun. Great memories there!
I know I'm not the voice that represents everyone. But, sometimes just figuring out the "why" behind the behavior helps. Then addressing it in a meaningful and personal way (date night) can make life with an aging parent sooo much better.
Hoping the best for you and your Mom!
As others have advised; there is nothing you can do about this. You have nothing to feel guilty about; that said, she will continue to TRY and push your buttons. To the best of your ability, try to not let her do this to you. I know it is easier said than done. She is taken care of, safe and enjoying life more than she lets on to you. My mother was the same; but I came to fully realize it was out of my control. It was my nature to be kind and to help her; but due to the mental illness, she would take full advantage of this as she was programmed to do so. It was interesting how she could be completely different with others, etc. This is part of the manipulation. I visited less and talked less on the phone. I will admit, it was quite a challenge and she often did get to me. But, it became easier and easier as time went on. She eventually was taking the proper meds for her diagnosis and this improved her life immensely, and mine as well. She had previously refused certain meds and this was to her detriment.
You are a wonderful, caring daughter - she is blessed to have you in her life. Hugs to you and take care
It took me a long time, but realized it did not matter what the workers thought and I would disregard their comments. I once spoke to the social worker in charge who truly knew and understood the severity of my mother's mental problems. She had often been on the receiving end of my mother's psychotic behavior, while others are not. It was through her understanding and caring that I could ignore the opinions of workers who don't know what they are talking about. Take care.