How to stop relatives from using Mom's bad memory to manipulate her?

Her memory is only going to get worse and lose more and more of her ability to reason. I assume she has dementia? Has she already given you durable and medical POA?

What are your sister and cousin's goal in trying to take control of your mother's life? You may need to take some legal steps to stop this like getting guardianship if your mother can be declared incompetent.

Good luck and keep in touch.

Don't keep reminding your mother of the bad stuff. It is more important that she enjoys the company of her niece? nephew? and her daughter - even if you personally feel that she does so on false premises.

The thing is, the sneaky things these people did to take control of your mother's life were, QED, unsuccessful, were they not. You, however, successfully took control of your mother's life and moved her in with your husband and yourself. Your next step is to gain guardianship of your mother on the grounds of her loss of capacity. Since you are claiming that she is unable to make sound decisions because of her short-term memory loss, you cannot at the same time claim that she has the necessary capacity to give you power of attorney.

I have to say this. While I understand your anger with your sister's and your cousin's exploitation of your mother, and your fear that they might continue to take advantage, I repeat that the taking control appears to be being done by you. It isn't just a matter of where she lives, it's also your determination not to allow her to think well of them or to "be loving" with her own daughter. Your deceitful, manipulative sister is still her daughter. Don't deprive her of that.

You need to get total control of your moms bills, finances, credit cards etc before she gets ripped off by relatives or scammers. Then it won't matter that your relates are bums and you won't have to keep reminding mom what jerks they are. Chek out this site for info on power of attorney, guardianship , legal and financial info.

You seek Guardianship to protect the finances and health of Mom.
You also bite your tongue and withhold any criticism of her visitors. For what little time she has left, let her enjoy their attention lie a warm sunny day.
Address their errors to them, privately and not in her presence.

Oh how I can relate to what she post:/ the way I see it every dog has their day and the manipulator will get there's when they least expect it! I know my reply may not help but I needed to vent myself.

If she still knows what is going on a Durable a Power of Attorney and a Health Care Directive completed by an Elder Law Attorney will address her wishes. Since she lives with you you can limit their access to her accounts. I would get the documents completed and work with her to address her financial and medical wishes and then allow her to visit with the family members socially but then you can stand up to them saying the other issues are handled. If you don't feel that you can stand up to them the attorney can help you find a Professional Guardian or POA but it does cost money to pay professionals.

No lawyer in their right mind would change anything if you already have POA. If your mother has a lawyer call them and explain things to them. There is no sense in reminding your mother because she will only get upset and then forget anyway.

Countrymouse is on the mark-- be wary of projecting onto your relatives what you might fear they are thinking of you. Keep in mind that this is what dying of old age entails. Therefore, never argue with or remind someone with short-term memory loss or dementia issues of negative moments. The stress of struggling with day-to-day tasks, the confusion and frustration are difficult enough without needing to recall painful memories. This can augment fears and latent anxieties. Let her spend her final days in warm fuzzy memories, positive interactions, and peace. At 95, she deserves nothing less. I certainly want my children to do that for me.

Let it be. I don't know what they are doing, but unless they are hurting her in any way I would leave it alone. Who is telling you they are doing these thing, how do you know? Your mother needs legal protection, do you have POA? If not , who does. You need to talk to them.

The guardianship idea is good except that if your Mom is competent, you may not find a doctor (or two doctors in some states) to sign off on the court petition. What you can do is get Power of Attorney, including Medical Power of Attorney, so you can manage for your mom without interference. There's a lot of good advice on this forum about how to go about the process.I also suggest giving the troublemakers a limited set of options for visits and socializing. No unsupervised visits! It would help to find an Elder Law specialist, get a free consultation, and then give this attorney's name as the person you will consult if you feel they are attempting to coerce Mom into a decision she would not make under normal circumstances. It's better to be firm and upfront about your concerns than to try to be "nice", believe me. If your Mom is legally competent and they persuade her to remake her will or sign over her house, there's not much you can do about it so you really need to nail down the legalities and get the POA as soon as you can. That's my view, based on my own experience dealing with four siblings and step-siblings.

Legal competency is a very low threshold. It's two against one and if your mind doesn't naturally think that way you will have to work hard to stay a step ahead of the two of them. Document! So is those two are successful in their efforts you might possibly be able to contest things after the fact.

Documenting is important because patterns may emerge.

Anyone that can visit and bring some sense of joy to the elder is a blessing. It seems the there are few that are willing to face the agony that comes with old age. The older we get the lonelier we become. More visitation equates to more happy, happy, happy.

mappleby, I've noticed that with elderly people like my dad that while loneliness is there, he also has a sense of a life well lived which makes him have a positive outlook.

Some elderly people develop a feeling of integrity if deciding that their lives were successful or a feeling of despair if evaluation of one's life indicates a failure to achieve goals.

The one question and pain that my dad still carries is why did my mother leave him 50 some years ago. He has asked about this often is the last several years. My step-sister told me that he cried deeply upon learning that she died in 2013. He also carried a lot of pain over the death of his mother a lot of which is over how she died.

I think the best preparation for old age is how we live our lives for as we decline physically, we find ourselves reflecting more about our past. At least if we are not narcissistic we do.

For what it is worth, I have been recording virtually all visits in recent years. If I am not present, I use a recorder capture the conversations. My father signed a blanket approval, understanding that his hearing & slowness to capture all of what is said in a low voice can work against him.

NOTE: Most states are single consent states. Some require the consent of all participants. Recording phone conversations depends on the location of the participants. I recommend reading http://www.dmlp.org/legal-guide/recording-phone-calls-and-conversations.

My father used to nod to have someone think he was listening, but they sometimes took it as agreement with whatever they were saying, true or not. When he realized the tactics & how they worked against him, he became far more comfortable with recording. Now, when someone tries to object, he asks what they are trying to hide.

For manipulators, it captures insidious behaviors. For good visitors, it captures memories for later listening/viewing. It's amazing what gets said behind closed doors when someone thinks there are no witnesses & the elderly can't defend themselves. It's like having a nanny cam, but the older vulnerable need to consent.

I don't know what is needed if they can't speak for themselves, though. When I find out, I will post.

Both the Durable POA and the Health Care Proxy are revocable documents. If a relative is intent on taking mom to a lawyer to create new docs, there really is nothing you can do to stop that from happening. However you can have these documents revoked and new ones created so long as your relative is still legally competent. Also once your relative has a diagnosis from a physician of dementia, you need to ask the doctor, in mom's presence, if the doctor believes mom is no longer competent. If the answer is yes - get it in writing. That written opinion can help you challenge any document(s) created after the opinion letter or help you apply for guardianship through the court. I do not suggest you create documents or apply for guardianship without the assistance of an elder law attorney. This is complicated.

I agree with both Countrymouse and Mon2014 (document everything that's going on with your sister and cousin as pertains to your mother). Also, someone stated that the standards for determining mental competency are very low--- right on the mark there, also. Given that your mother falls into the vulnerable adult category just on the basis of her age alone, and exploitation of vulnerable adults often is done by family members, I'd suggest a few things here if you believe that your sister's and cousin's exploitation could potentially have bad financial results (which could ultimately also affect her medical well-being if they get access to your mom's finances and drain them to the extent that she doesn't have money to cover/pay for her medical care and needs). First, contact your mom's estate attorney and apprise him/her of what's going on so that if your cousin and sister try to get your mom to change her estate plan, her attorney may be able to head that off. Perhaps, there's a way for her atty to give you a heads up of when/if your sister and cousin or your mother make appointments with the attorney about the estate plan so that maybe you could also accompany your mother to each of these meetings with her atty (or, maybe there's a way her atty could require that you also be in attendance as your mother's daughter?--- I don't know if this is possible). Second, consult with an elder law attorney about what's going on and seek some advice from this person about how to proceed with protecting your mother and what your options are. Third, if you believe that your sister and cousin are exploiting your mom and there's a real potential for harm to your mom at anytime, now or down the road, report this and present your documentation of specific incidents/incidences to APS (Adult Protection Services) and maybe even to the police--- maybe the police first and they'll work with APS. Some police departments employ investigators who focus on investigating financial and other forms of exploitation of vulnerable individuals. It may be worth your while to see if your local police dept. has someone who does this sort of thing.

Please also realize that undue influence in the form of manipulation on any level is a form of exploitation of a vulnerable individual and should be reported in order to protect the vulnerable person. Granted, you don't want to cause a family rift and you don't want to tear your mother and your sister away from each other at this time in your mother's life. However, your mother is a vulnerable adult and needs to be protected, even if it's from her own daughter and niece/nephew. So, if you believe that your vulnerable mother is being manipulated, even if it's not currently having negative impacts on her (but it eventually is likely to), be proactive now and nip it in the bud before your mother is hurt by your sister and cousin. Take this action silently without advertising to your sister, mother, or cousin that you're taking any of the actions I mentioned above-- you don't want to forewarn them so they can get their ammo lined up ahead of time.

And, I agree with others who have stated that you shouldn't bad mouth your sister and cousin to your mother. It only confuses her and will force her to split her loyalties and may drive her more toward doing your sister's and cousin's bidding and falling into their manipulations.

I'd let bygones be bygones for Mom's sake, let her have the visits, but not without supervision if you think they are trying to get something out of her. Set the phone up to ring over onto your cell while you are out, plain deny them access to her while she is alone. If they are after money or upsetting her though I'd try to scare them with the threat of legal action tell them I was going to get a restraining order or file elder abuse charges against them. That ought to keep things on the "up and up". :-)

no unsupervised visits seems to be easiest way. If they ask to visit at a time you are not able to be there - just say "That's not a good time and suggest a time when you can be there" Lock up the check book/credit cards/ and legal documents.
Be sure you have her Trust/will - POA - Health Care POA, etc.
If they are up to no good (been there done that) they will disappear soon enough when there is nothing to be gained.
If they are truly there just to see your Mom they can surely understand that a short visit will make her happy without tiring her out.
You are the one who has to deal with any negative stimulus they cause (after they leave) since she lives with you and you are providing care. That means you call the shots as to what keeps Mom happiest.
Visits are great - you don't need to explain anything to Mom (she will forget)
Let her enjoy the company -
Just keep an eye on family as you would anyone who is dealing with your impaired Mom

I agree with Wintersun. Let it be. I am the youngest of 3 kids who has been accused of being a manipulator of our mother. I'm also the only kid who is here with her, everyday, doing my best with what I have to help her. I'm not in the least bit interested in the control of her estate, money, etc. That job was assigned to my sister before Dad passed away. Funny how people/relatives can turn so controlling and ugly when it comes to money. I keep a journal. I have for the last 4 yrs (since my father's passing/moving back home to be with mom). It helps with sorting out my feelings, describes the ins and outs of daily life with mom, and also validates the crazy behaviors of my siblings and other relatives. If you are concerned about what your relatives are doing, why don't you talk to them about it? Like wintersun said, "how do you know that's what they are doing to her?" Take time to confront the relatives privately. You might find your worries put at ease!

I agree with desert192 on the no unsupervised visits. Given that your mom lives with you and it's your house, you can determine who visits, when, and how often. If you observe/hear manipulation, immediately end the visit--- after all, it's your house, your rules. I also like and agree with New2this's suggestion about setting up the phone to ring to your cellphone and denying your sister and cousin access to your mom when you're not there. Of course, the latter doesn't stop them from showing up at your house when you're not there and your mom opening the door and letting them in.

What "sneaky things" have your sister & cousin done to "take control" of your mother's life? Have they done these things after she moved in with you?

How do they "manipulate" her into things?

If you were more specific about the things that they have done, it might result in better feedback from members of this site.

I have been through a sister in law who used my brain damaged brothers to liquidate most of the assets. What assets I managed to get our share (and I had to borrow and use my share to hire some crooked lawyers) and to keep the courts from knowing any of our side of all of the fraud a secret, to keep the abuse of my parents. My sister and I were allowed to watch from a distance the horrible treatment of all the caregivers while the sister in law (lawyer too) used the cash and liquidated policies and annuities not even in her name. Although she notarized fraudulently, used our ID, signed checks and electronic checks where only my brother signed on account. 5 lawyers, all corrupt. So not only do you have to have 2,500 for each lawyer but each of those lawyers will do nothing for each of those 2500.00. It's called the first one to break the law, gets away with theft, euthanasia, stolen inventory, cruelly ending my parent's lives. Affected judicial was Calcasieu parish, east baton rouge parish.

A great hint to coming fraud: No transparency. Applies to lawyers as well as other trustees, executors. Almost all of the codes that family lawyers use were violated. We were too grieved to report all of the fraud. A local R/E guru offered my brother a contract to kill my sister to get her out of the way. My brother wanted to get out of paying that contractor which kept the kill deal from going through. This will not stop until the corrupt lawyers are stopped.

I had a similar family situation. So, I got a lawyer for my mother and got POA for her. She is competent and able to make me her financial POA. Also, in agreement with her and her lawyer, we hide all her account numbers, check books and such. That way, even though she forgets that people have taken advantage of her, she can't accidentally give them checks or access to her accounts.

Of course, she does forget and says "yes" to their requests for money, only to find out that she had forgotten that she agreed that she can't give more out. We have a little angst between the two of us when she does this, but it is what it is. She feels embarrassed having to remind them they shouldn't ask her for money, but they've been told by her lawyer that they can't ask her directly for anything, any longer - to call her lawyer and he'll bring the subject up with her. We threw in that layer to make it clear that they shouldn't try to trick her - that those days are over.

She agreed to all of this, even though she doesn't always remember. When she asks me why she doesn't have her check book, the conversation sometimes takes the turn that I end up telling her why. I try not to volunteer it unless she specifically asks. While I don't like these people, she does enjoy having contact with them. This way, she gets to have contact without worry that they'll take advantage of her.

With that said, she doesn't see these people without me present. They don't take her out, for example. So, I don't know what would happen if they took her and got her to sign a new POA. I think they could confuse her into it, and it might not really be enforceable, but I suppose it could cause some problems. If you were to get your mom a lawyer, you might ask that question.

By the way, what is really sad about this is that my mom has almost no money. The people who have preyed on her are preying on someone with so little that it's truly shameful. She hates paying the lawyer with the little money she has, but I see no other way to handle this. I can't guard every letter and phone call she makes to keep her from making this kind of mistake, and I'm not sure it would even be appropriate for me to try to do it that way, either.

If you have POA and your mother has clarified her health care wishes, preferably in writing, and all the legal paper work has been completed...then you don't have anything to worry about in that regard. From my experience, similar to yours, my only comment would be it's a good thing that you've had this time to figure out the relatives and their intent, before some decisions have to be made for your mother because she is incapable. You have received a forewarning. In my case...when some important medical decisions had to be made about my mother's care, my sister and my manipulated father, did some things under the radar, which IMO cost my mother her life. Decisions based on my sister's skewed opinion. Didn't find out about it until it was too late...after my mother passed. If I knew then what I know now, I would have fought for my mother. Had no reason at the time to think my sister was so devoted to her opinion that she would let it overshadow her decision making, good judgement, and then lie about it.

You know, from your report here, what these relatives are capable of. Keep your eyes and ears open when they are around. But, don't prevent them or your mother from seeing one another. For what it's worth...

I got POA over six months ago because first my sister(only sib),who got on moms bank account years ago, to be helpful, was POA. I never even thought about any of this. She was letting mom pay for too much stuff. Family lunches and dinners and ATM withdrawals of at least $200 a month.
So mom and I talked my cousin into taking over. He stated at that time that he agreed there were some alarming things on her bank statements and told my sister to stop letting mom pay for everything and knock off the ATM withdrawls. Thats when we found out she had her own debit card for moms account too.
Up till a couple months after she moved in with my husband and I he had always been very fair. As soon as she moved in with me because my sisters son and wife had her there for six months and they couldn't do it anymore he started getting very demanding. He wouldn't pay us for her rent and expenses and was demanding professional invoices and personal info for the 18yr old we had been paying to help around the house and yard for years. When we refused to give him info for a minor and told him that our receipts and hand written list of items we spent our own money were good enough he got REAL sh*tty. Mom asked us how she could solve this problem so I told she can pay her expenses herself. She wrote us a check but that day cousin Rich went or called her bank and transferred money out so her check would bounce. My parents NEVER bounced a check and it upset mom when we found out. She transferred it back and we got paid.
The worst and the reason I took over was wentn they ruined her 95th birthday by taking her out all day when we had agreed to we would share the day. My friends had come over with balloons, signs, presents and cake. But no mom. Then they uncharacteristically had her spend the night (on the couch no less). The next day she had an appointment with her primary doc who has seen her for many yrs and needed labs taken. I just happen to call that office (not sure why, but I think my deceased dad was looking out for her) and found out that my cousin went too and they had gone to a social security office to pick up a form for the doc to fill out (doc statement of patients capability to manage benefits) so while mom was out of the room they told the doc how she couldn't handle basically anything and he partially filled out the form checking the "no" box saying that. Then Rich went to SS and using that form became her representative payee!
So we got the same form and took it to her neurologist. He filled it out (completely) checking the yes box. We then had to go to our SS office to undo his payee status. After becoming POA of medical and financial I had to change banks to stop his access. He had called ahead and informed the bank manager that I was manipulating my mom so I was treated like a thief and had to endure this several times to change banks. Somehow Rich is so slick he can get her lawyer, doctor and bank to believe him making everything difficult. Just two weeks ago he said they were going to lunch and he took her to her lawyer and saying only " don't you want both your daughters to make medical decisions for you?" got her to add my sister back to the medical POA. I am waiting for the next trick (they lied and did many small things also including sending a sheriff over here) causing my husband and I anxiety worrying about how to protect her without having anyone declare her incapable because I would never do that to her. The primary that filled out the form saying no has since apologized and said he would call her condition "age related cognitive decline"

This is how I took care of this problem. I had my mother redo her will giving all 4 children equal share of whatever is left. I am the sole trustee and durable POA. now that all the legal issues have been addressed I encouraged mom to call her other children knowing they couldn't take any more from her. Mom has yet to call - waiting for them to do it. My siblings have not spoken to mom since before xmas. They didn't even call her on her birthday. Mom is failing. If they refuse to keep in contact with her and something happens it will be their issue - not mine. I protected mom.

A POA can be voided by the mother anytime she wants and make someone else the POA.

I would go with her and get "Power of Attorney" for yourself over her finances etc. and that would give you the power to make all the "right decisions" for her and NOT have to worry about the rest of the family. It just amazes me how many people go through this. You are definitely not alone on this!