My father was moved into an ALF in September with his wife and has become extremely resentful and angry toward me which is impacting my ability to care for him. Prior to this he was admitted to the hospital 10 separate times because of alcoholism and seizures which has affected his own cognition. He doesn't remember any of that. His wife has moderate dementia and prior to his hospital visits he was her caregiver. She doesn't remember any of the hospital visits either. I was able to get him to sign POA paperwork for me in between hospital visit 8 and 9 where I warned him that if he went back to the hospital they may not be comfortable letting him go home. It was during this time that myself and my step sisters realized they had stopped paying their bills, stopped taking care of themselves, and needed a lot more help than we initially realized. They have POA for his wife (Step mom). I have POA for him. Then he went back to the hospital and on the 10th visit they declared him unable to care for himself.
When we first moved them in he was understanding, but since then he has regressed cognitively and now has become very combative. They want the car which he told me to sell. They want to go back to their condo in Florida which he also told me to sell and where they have no support system. He initially acknowledged that he shouldn't be driving and can't get down to Florida, but now thinks he can. He has acknowledged that he knows he is losing his mind, but when I bring it up to him I get attacked. He has also become increasingly agitated with her and has no patience with her memory loss anymore. They both keep calling and texting that when they get back to Florida they are going to divorce.
I'm at a loss on how to help him. The last few times I've gone to visit he has refused to see me or engage with me. He doesn't answer my calls. And whenever I text him I get an angry and abusive text back. He has medical issues that need to be treated, including an elevated PSA level (He had prostate cancer 10+ years ago) and I really want to get him into a neurologist, but he refuses. The facility did just start him on a new anti-depression medication, so I'm hoping it works. But I didn't sign up for this. I didn't realize how bad cognitively he was when I signed on as POA. I also didn't have the best relationship with him to begin with. I live 2 hours away from him and can't keep going up there for nothing.
I realize this is more of a rambling stream of consciousness statement rather than a question, but I've been reading this forum for the past 2 months or so and it has been so therapeutic to know I am not alone. I just don't know what to do to help him and I'm worried I may not be able to salvage any kind of meaningful relationship with him. I just don't know what to do anymore.
What is Dad's financial situation? Hiring a geriatric care manager as a third-party communicator is one idea.
Sometimes, we are "triggers" for our loved ones. Find out from the facility if dad is calm and content most of the time. Make sure you understand that UTIs can cause psychiatric/behavioral symptoms.
And consider the role of psych meds in the treatment of agitation in dementia. Something mild that takes the edge off can be priceless.
Thank you so much for your quick response and caring words. He is definitely young which is what is making this even more difficult because he should have a lot of years left.
I am very lucky in that he is a retired police officer and between his pension and social security he makes enough to afford his current ALF. He also has plenty of assets. He managed his money well. I had never heard of geriatric care managers before and after looking them up I am intrigued by what I am reading. I didn't even know this was an option. I will definitely explore it.
I've been talking with the facility and the aggression he displays toward me and his wife they normally don't see. They do report that he is calm and friendly toward the staff and other residents. Even with me the aggression only started about a month and a half ago. I am in contact with the ALF psychiatrist who is putting him on a new anti-depressent. Maybe he needs to be on something else as well. I appreciate your insight.
Well one thing that you have in your favor ( unlike me), he did tell you to sell his car and house. And you are sole POA right? Well, if that is in his best interest overall and financially, maybe go ahead and do it? Sell them! then he cant go back to them, and it forces him more to stay in AL. He did tell you to do it after all.....
Also - my thoughts- even for us non-dementia adults, texting when emotional can be a not-so-good thing. I think with our elderly parents with dementia its not good at all . My dad is now unable to text any more so its a non issue for me. I find that face to face discussions are best if anything to hash things out, but even then, its hard to be on the same page and voices do get raised. As many on the forum say, one often cannot rationalize with dementia. I'm still learning, and realizing that the arguments may be futile at times. But emailing and texting really are not helpful I think, with this age/ dementia range.
You mentioned " I'm worried I may not be able to salvage any kind of meaningful relationship with him" . From your description, I'm not sure that's possible any more. Is that your goal at this time? Realize that it may not happen. I'm realizing that with my dad, the best thing I can do now as son and POA is keep him safe, healthy, and in a good environment given his dementia and age and health status. That may be contrary to "what he wants" and therefore detrimental to our relationship. Our frequency of arguments has risen. But....I think that is the right thing to do. Is it better to kowtow to a dad with dementia and poor reasoning to save a relationship? From this forum, I have decided that, no, thats not worth it. If our relationship is bad, so be it. I will not have regrets and realize I did the right thing all around....
Please know that you can resign your PoA. There's a legal process to do this and make sure he has a medical diagnosis of cognitive impairment in his records so that he can't check himself out. If you talk to the admins at the facility they can help start the process for guardianship by the county.
Just because they're married they don't have to share a room. Maybe it's best to separate them. Few people ever go into caregiving knowing the reality of what's headed their way. The caregiving arrangement only works if it works for the caregiver, too. You've done yeoman's work to this point so don't feel guilty about anything you did (or didn't) do. Feeling grief is appropriate, but not guilt.
You aren't responsible for your father's happiness. You're not the reason he's angry. Please know that as people are changed by their dementia, a "meaningful relationship" is not something that can be had anymore. I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you figure out your path forward.
Learn to go with the flow. Dementia is unpredictable disease.