They're not letting me see my father who just had a ischemic stroke. Before my father's wife Anna found out that she is dying. She called two of her daughters and her favorite grand daughter Stephanie with two small kids to meet with them at their house. Anna told my father that she wants Stephanie and her two small kids to move in and imposed on her two daughters to be my father's caretakers. They did this without me and my sister knowing what's going on(we are the biological children ) After my father's wife died. My Dad and my uncle Mike paid for her burial. Dad inherited the house...well, the house is in both name. Since then those Step sisters keep coming to my dad's house a lot. We the biological kids hate that family! I'm like what happened to "Death do us apart".All they caused stress and confusion for my dad! I feel that I shouldn't compete for my dad. He is my father! They have their own father. I asked them not to be around my dad or at dad's house when I am visiting him. They can not respect this! They must be around and causing problems. They are the trigger to this problems. Can I sue them?
Thanks for bringing this thread back to Earth. lol
Ack. I have to go with - it's both heartbreaking and infuriating that someone can be so very short sighted and miss an opportunity to spend time with her dad simply because she cannot get him 100% to herself, and get him to turn his back on his other family members. They ARE his family, even if not by blood. He should never have to choose one or the other at this stage of his life.
There's more that I'm basing my thought process on, but FF and Real you both stated some of the obvious issues. OP says one thing, then contradicts. "Father died (to me) when he left in '89," and then "I have a right to protect my father (I insist on meddling where he hasn't asked for my help)." Well, which is it? I know emotions can run high and be conflicting, but clearly OP doesn't understand that caring for someone post stroke is a gift to the elder. If father is well cared for, that is most important. I wouldn't doubt that a step daughter is POA and that father knows better than to give it to this absentee and angry, controlling daughter. Sad but... I think that's the situation.
Seeking2, counseling/therapy and possibly medication is all I can think to advise. Your father is being cared for and isn't judged incompetent, so he can choose his own POA. If he hasn't chosen you, there is a reason -- and based on your extreme anger, bitterness, and resentment of your father's step children, I don't believe he chose someone else because they are manipulating him.
You may have a year, a few years, who knows how long to have a positive relationship with your dad. Focus on that. There likely isn't now, or will be, any significant amount of money for you to go after... and if that's driving your obsession, you are only going to make yourself even more unhappy.
Stop blaming everyone else. Your FATHER made his choices. He has not been under manipulation for almost 30 years. Do you want a relationship with him or not? You'll find out if there is any inheritance for you when he passes away. If he hasn't discussed these issues with you by now, then he doesn't want to.
Just some thoughts...
Or ---- maybe we're being had. If so, the OP has lost control of the story.
Assuming the OP is on the up and up, and simply stressed into incoherence, I have a lot of concerns.
If the OP's father had only an 8th grade education, however hard he worked, Anna must have contributed a lot to the household economy, to the build up of equity in the house, etc. The OP gives Anna no credit for that, but feels entitled to whatever her father now has. Is that fair? Why aren't Anna's children justified in looking on her home as their family home?
What on earth makes her hate Anna so much? OK, the event that took place 27 years ago ---- but doesn't Anna get credit for any good done to the father in the years since then? That was a lifetime ago!
If the OP at various times has battled with her step siblings over POAs, etc., the estrangement of the biological daughters from the father must not have been total. Perhaps he didn't abandon them as completely as she suggests. In fact, her repeated use of the term "homewrecker" sounds like something her mother probably said at the time of the divorce. Sounds as if the OP and her sister have been poisoned against the father and stepmother by the first wife. What a shame!
And her insistence on the term "until death do us apart" makes me think she actually believes that at the time of death, everything that went before is cancelled out, undone, "done apart." The first time she wrote it, I thought she was making a little joke, but now I think there may be some profound misunderstanding about what happens to an estate and a family at death. Anna has died, therefore the last 27 years disappear? Her children and grandchildren disappear? My God, where does it leave the poor man, whose life they were/are part of?
This thread is either heartbreaking or infuriating. I wonder which.
Wasn't Anna your Dad's wife? Didn't she already pass in March of this year"?
My gosh, either you need to talk to a therapist or this has been one interesting story.
I came across another thread elsewhere on Aging Care where you had posted about your Dad, his late wife, and her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. The post above said "I tried to get my dad to let me know who POA and health proxy". On another thread you said that your step-sister was the POA. Then I read here that you want Dad to make either you or your sister POA, but on another thread you said your Dad wasn't competent enough to give the step-sister POA.
This is becoming so very confusing.
Why are you poking into the status of his house deed? I have to protect my father and my family from being burden with the debts. Yes, the debts must be paid up and cleared. If he wants me or my sister to be his POA, we have the right to know what's is going on with Dad! I'm sure you don't want someone who is not family trumps you over your parent. You would feel what I am feeling now.
"I'm going to dig around to see if there is many loans against Dad's house." And what could you possibly do about it if there is a mortgage and second mortgage, etc.? Say to the step sister or to father, "Please pay these off, in case I inherit this house I want it free and clear"?
If you are backing off, why are you poking into the status of his house deed?
Seeking2topro, I think your extreme bitterness is seriously clouding your judgement. No, you cannot sue someone for not respecting you. No, you cannot control who your father leaves his house to. No, you cannot force anyone to pay off loans against a house you may or may not inherit.
Backing off is a good idea, but please, please, get some therapy for your own sake. That burden of bitterness you've carried for so long is hurting you much worse than it is hurting anyone else.
Sorry, AC family. That wasn't an appropriate answer.
And in that time he seemingly has had a good relationship with his new extended family?
Frankly I don't understand why you even care about this man, he treated you badly and chose not to be a part of your life. You seem to believe that the death of his spouse of over 1/4 century would somehow free him from the "spell" she held him under and he would naturally return to the bosom of his first family (all of you almost total strangers to him), does that really seem to be a rational hope?
Your last statement, "I would say my father died in 1989", seems to be the truest thing you have said in all your posts. The loss of your father seems to have left very deep emotional scars, have you considered therapy to work through them?
But unless your father is deemed incompetent by a doctor, then your father can do as he pleases with his life and his resources. If he wants to disinherit you and leave everything to step siblings, he can do that.
I'm sorry that the relationship with step siblings is so bad, but for the sake of having a relationship with your father (IF that is what you really want), why not try to plan a few visits with him? If he wants to see you, he has the ability to do that, yes?