My mother is lying about me to my out-of-state sister. How do I talk to her and tell her she is hurting our relationship?

Soverytired, you are being abused. Put a stop to it. You can't see it because it has been going on so long. Have a family meeting tell them all it is over. Mom can go to (and should be in) Assisted Living or a Nursing Home. You shouldn't be paying for everything. I am sure your siblings are happy that you spend your own money.

If Mom or siblings object to the AL or NH, they are free to take your Mom or care for her. What your Mom wants at this point is not feasible. She is too old to live alone and stay in her home. Period. She is masterly at making you feel guilty, so don't buy into it anymore.

It is hard I know, I know you feel guilty. Don't. No one is feeling gulity about the emotional wear and tear this is taking on you. Stand up for yourself. What is the worst these ungrateful people can do. Not speak to you???

Don't let any sibling yell at you on the phone, just don't. Hang up. Please read some of the posts about nasty parents and narcicissistic parents. My Mom lies about me too. I look at it as slander to my character. She gave my brother all financial power because he is male and lives close to her. So he will take care of her, and he will not want to, but I am standing my ground with my ungrateful selfish family. Good luck to you.

First of all, why have you been taking care of her for 30 years? That would make her only 60 years old when you first started. That in an of itself is odd. I think it's time to take back control of the situation. You need a heart to heart with your other siblings first of all and tell them you're NOT going to do it anymore. Either mom moves into asst living or adult foster home or whatever, but you're done. Since you and your husband are financially okay, take a vacation for a week or so, get away and let mom see how much she needs your help. You said yourself that you have people coming in so just add meals to that if you can. And who is paying her bills? Is she still able to do that or are you? If you're paying them without POA then that's gonna bite you in the rear, so yes you do need access to her finances as the POA. And who's got the legal rights to make her medical decisions for her in case she can't? My mother-in-law didn't want to move out of the house she'd been living in for 50+ years, but finally her doctor told her she could no longer live alone. And that conversation only happened after she fell and broke her hip. Push her doctor if you have to into making the decision for her to move out of her house. Let him be the bad guy, who cares? But whatever you do, time to take back the control that you've surrendered to mom.

MADGE / NANCY:

Girls, you're the best!!! If that doesn't help SVT, I don't know what will. It's 4:00 am ladies, have to go to work. Have psychotic patients waiting for me. My love always.

I say have a talk with your siblings. Tell them that you've done the best you could for Mom, she has become delusional and emotionally abusive and they have bought into it, therefore you have decided that it is best for Everyone for you to step back. Tell them that since they are unhappy with the way the situation has been that you are 100% handing the reins over to them. Tell them it starts immediately. Give them the phone numbers to the HHA's, meals on wheels, her doctors. Tell them to figure out the situation and decide what would be best. Tell them if she doesn't want to go into AL then they should move her into one of their homes. Tell them not to call you because you've been doing this for 30 yrs and you are done. Then follow through, if they call you to try to get you to change your mind or manipulate you, hang up. Better yet, if they call you, or if your Mom calls you (use call waiting) and don't answer. Hold your Ground, don't feel guilty. Do this because it is what is best for Everyone. Don't feel like you have to explain yourself. The only thing you should continue to do for your Mom is pay for her home alert so she can push that button in an emergency until your siblings take over. By doing this you will force the real issues to the forefront. If later your siblings don't come around (after they take the full responsibility) and call you to apologize, not to vent, not to manipulate you into taking her back, they know that your life is better off without them. Don't be weak in this, suck it up. Sometimes we have to be the strong one for the ones we love.

I have not been caregiving for her for 30 years - I've been helping her financially since I was 27. I started paying her rent and paying for any emergencies that came up like water heaters, furnaces, my youngest sister's college education, dentures, their cars, major appliances, things like that. It was an alcoholic family - both of our parents and their partners - so I don't have real good boundaries. After the death of my father 10 years ago, she got his pension and social security and I stopped paying her day to day bills (first boundary) and cutback to just paying for her home alert. And special circumstances. It's difficult to say when I first started "caregiving". Her real medical issues started 10 years ago. My sisters moved out of state 8 years ago. So, at least 8 years of caregiving. On the other hand, given the extreme alcoholism, sometimes I think I have been caregiving since I was 7 or 8 years old.

She has a small (but not that small by most standards) amount of money from the sale of her house years ago. I set another boundary by saying this was the money that should be used to pay for the nursing care until it was gone. This has not been popular with the family as they believe I should pay for it because it is helping me. I've been trying really hard to draw a line between what is "helping me" and what is "helping her". With her most recent rehab visit, I talked her into going to a facility close to where I live because her expectation is, if she is ill, I will be there daily and her hospital and skilled nursing facilities are even farther from me than her home so that's 2 hours on the road every day and my husband was in cancer treatment at the time. Once she was moved there, she told me I had to come twice a day because she had done this "for me". I tried with both her and my sisters to say, No, it is not "for me", you came to this facility because you want someone to visit you daily, that is what you want for you. But my sisters backed her up, and I caved, and I spent 5 weeks visiting twice a day, resenting that I wasn't with my husband when he needed me (and his resentment built, too). After rehab, I tried to get them to back me in talking our mother into moving. One said she would and seemed to be going down that path. My older sister said if I wanted her to move, I should pay for it because it was helping me. I said, no, we would use mom's funds first. (All three of us sisters are well off financially, if my mom's money runs out, there will be another bridge to cross) During this time, my husband made the mistake of telling the youngest sister, in anger, that he was sick of the manipulation and she repeated it to the oldest sister. That is what is at the root of the current "war". My oldest sister is very angry that he said this so she was barely speaking to me before this visit. (By the way, my oldest sister has POA, not me.) So I asked her if she couldn't back me, could she just not work against me? She agreed, but she continued to work against me. I know this because she and my mother use the same exact phrases when they talk to me. One thing they both said to me, in separate conversations, was that if she moved, it would cost $8 for every 15 minutes for someone to take her to her doctor. I said that was moot because we wouldn't need someone to take her to her doctor regardless of where she lived. Then an AL place I had talked to in the past called me to tell me they had just talked to my sister and did I want to bring my mother for a tour now? Apparently, she called them for a list of fees so that she and my mother could use the information against me. I have not said anything to either one of them about mom moving in probably 4 weeks. I figured, ok, it's just going be one of those situations where we have to wait for the train wreck. Yesterday, I contacted a family mediator to see if they could work via conference call. I am just so sorry and so hurt that this is destroying the family.

Oh my God, Soverytired, this is beyond anyone on here's ability to help. You need to see a professional. Change your phone number and possiblity move and leave no forwarding address. The sad thing here is you are still being treated as you were treated in childhood. A professional would be able to open your eyes to what your dysfunctional family has done to you. Please read all the information you can about alcoholic parents, narcissitic(sp?) parents and learn what you can not change. This is just abusive and it will continue until you and only you put a stop to it.
I don't think any of these people you are dealing with are even worth keeping in your life. I have had some problems with my Mom and brother concerning her elder planning. He is on everything, POAs, executor of will, bank account. Mom only wanted one person on these things because she is paranoid and has some sort of personality disorder. Instead of just saying, "I want only (my brother) on the financial paperwork", she started telling lies about how I was not to be trusted, basically just not honest. Nothing could be further from the truth. And like you Sovery tired, I don't need anything from her, never have. But it hurt. Over time and much reading, I realize this is the dynamic my family has always had. It is just more of the same. My brother is the male prince, I the lowly female.

I suggest you walk away from these people. I mean ALL of them. I will do nothing for my Mom but make sure my brother is on top of everything. Or I will call Protective Services on him. My hands are tied and I don't want to be accused of anything by being near her money.

What alot of people don't understand is the damage these dysfunctional parents do to their children and continue doing into adulthood. But you are no longer a child. It is sad to think you have to cut ties with your family but they are no family. Just like my family, they are worthless as loving and supportive people and the more you engage with them the longer the pain goes on.

Soverytired, You have done so much more than you should be expected to do. You are part of a family diseased with dysfunction. Like Madge said, you really need to get professional help. It's good that you are looking into mediation, but go beyond that and get yourself some personal help. It really will help you to see how your family minuplates your emotions which lead to your caving in. My heart goes out to you because I was in the same situation for years, years ago. It seems to me that your Mom and siblings have been making you the escape goat for a long long time. It's sad but the more you try to fix everything and take the responsibility's of your Mom and sibs the harder you will make it because it will prolong the inevitible. Here is what I learned from the therapy I had. No matter how you try to behave, they are going to "BLAME" you, accuse you of untruths, they are going to hurt you beyond what you can believe. The first step in healing for yourself is to get to a point where you recognise that "what you fear" they are thinking of you, is what they are going to believe and accuse you of. I know it's hard but the only way you can stop them from making you feel this way is to stop them completely from making you feel anything at all. That might mean that the mediator does the talking. As painful as it might be you have to hold your ground and let them say, believe, accuse all they want and just keep your mouth shut. If you have to leave the room and let the mediator get control over them before you re-enter the room that is okay. Talk to the mediator ahead of time and work this out with her. Above all else know that just because you are accused by them it does not make what they say the truth. It is for the very reason that you know and care about the kind of person you are and feel the need to defend yourself when they make accusations that they use this in you to manipulate you. If you don't feel the "need" to defend yourself because you know what they say is "twisted" and "designed to provoke" and just be silent and not give ANY response you will take away the fuel for their blame. It will be the most painful thing you will ever experience with them but it will be the most liberating and strengthing act you can do for yourself. Once you get to the other side of this experience you will be FREE.. We can't post links here but a book that helps us deal with our emotions that I highly reccomend is called "You can heal your life, the study course" by Louise L. Hay. It will help you tap into why you feel the way you do, process your emotions and let go of all the pain from your ordeal.

SVT - stroll, walk or run away from this dysfunctional madness for the sake of your family. By that I mean your DH and your kids. By maintaining the situation you are enabling your mom & your sisters. They view you as Cinderella to do all the scut work but there is no prince that is coming in to rescue you in this nonfairy tale. If it has been going on for decades, I'll agree with the others that you need counseling to make it work for you.

Pay for the alert system and home care and meals for the next 30 days and tell them that you are out of commission for the extended future, the above is taken care of & they need to decide how to handle mom's situation and needs in the future. I'd call and mail them all a short nice note. If they press for why, tell them you are needing extensive dental work (better than medical as with medical someone always wants to come & visit you at the hospital, with dental you can say you can't talk and they can't look to see what was done). Then really truly check out from the whole nonsense. If she has dementia (realistically if she doesn't have it now, she will have it eventually), this is not going to get better. You've done your share and then some. Let the others take over.

It's good you found this site to vent! Good luck.

SVT, you have put in more than your time. If the root of this is lifelong alcholism, remember alcoholics are master manipulators. I agree with the poster who said take a vacation. Let the home aids know, contact meals on wheels and let your siblings know by registered letter when you are leaving and how long you will be gone. The rest is up to them.

I would encourage you to call your mother's doctor and request that your mother see a Gerontologist and that he give her a mini mental test to determine whether or not she is cognitively impaired.Ask for his input, and get it in writing. If you do not have his support--ask for a 2nd opinion. Next, find a good social worker who can recommend a good Skilled Nursing Care in the area.Ask them to recommend SNA's in your area and visit them at 3 different times during the day. Ask your mother to accompany you during one of the visits. If your mother has insurance that will pay for the above, call the insurance companies and find out what they will pay for, or ask the Social Worker about MediCAL. Find a (preferably family) advocate to support you.. I needed to pray during the time I did the above to just do what is right in the situation, and not go with feelings of guilt, regret, etc. I am at peace knowing that my mother is in a safe environment where she is lovingly cared for by a professional and supportive staff. We usually visit mom every few days, and now that she is in a wheelchair, access the City Coach for destinations outside the Skilled Nursing Care home. We go to movies, out to meals, for rides downtown, etc. Unfortunately many of the aged in our culture are dropped off at SNA's and abandoned which is appalling.

It is so important that your immediate family is not neglected at this time; so I hope you will learn to balance your time--take care of yourself and your family; if your money is sound--go for visits to see family & friends outside the area, etc. If you know your mother is well-cared for by professionals, this will free your time to tend to other important issues.

Please keep us updated!

Dear SVT, After reading your posts, I am blessed to be an only child. I can't agree more with others who have advised that professional intervention is necessary for you to have the peace of mind you so deserve. You can't control your siblings or your Mom and it is clear to us looking in that you may be co-dependent to their wants. Guess you need to ask yourself, what are you getting out of this situation? If you are truly ready to change, with the help of people "outside" your family, you can do it. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, no matter what you decide. Good luck to you and keep us posted.

Many thanks for all the wonderful, caring responses. It's very good to have a sanity check by hearing perspectives from the outside. I can't thank you enough because I was feeling pretty low. I will certainly let you know what happens with the mediator, if everyone agrees to go.

WOW!!!! You Have been a great daughter Big Hugz to you!!!! Keep this in Your MIND especially when dealing with family and no matter what your Mom say's to them or you. From your post you put her needs before your own. Money wasn't your motive, your Mother's care is. I had to remind my sister that's she's our Mother not a job. Someone's got to do it and you cannot quit the job either. Do your sisters realize that if something should happen to you then what? Oh Yes
they don't care about you or Mom so it seems. That was just a reality check you might want to pass on to the sister's.
Now for FACTS... POA has the power to handle financial matters however stated in the papers. The sister who is handling POA should be recording care and needs and generally use of all Mom's funds in Mom's best interest only. So..... rightfully if you take Mom to the doctor and bill your Mom for the transport she (POA) has to pay you if you were charging. If you take Mom shopping and it takes 200.00 a month for her food your Mom should be paying for that. Are you getting the picture, one that needs to be painted for your sisters. Send you sister a bill for your care there is a caregiver amount allowed legally for daily needs and covers all care,food,appointments etc. Anything not recorded or proven to be spent without good explaination AS "In the Benefit Of" POA is responsable for spending Mom's Money on Mom. I do believe if your Mom needs care and you cannot provide her with what she needs and a doctor say's it's in Mom's best interest for her to go into a facility the POA may have to agree or it may be an abuse issue. Abuse of POA and Mom. Have you been recording care and expenses and appointments, feelings? If you haven't I recommend you do. If your sister isn't doing her job as POA you may need to have her powers revoked and if Mom won't make you POA then you may have to seek guardianship. Either way what is best for your Mom is the right thing to do.
If you think your Mom is starting to get dementia, mention this on her next visit to Dr. , but not infront of Mom. Without POA or Mom's agreeing to this it might be hard to handle this due to HIPPA laws. Diagnosis is helpful and may make your life easier, if she is properly treated for this, if she is having these issues.
I have many stories about Mom saying horrible things about me to others. I almost got arrested once, she said I was hitting her, I was trying to keep her out of a road,simply held her arm. Another officer was completely understanding and well aware of Mom's condition of dementia he cleared up the confusion. I learned not to take insults from anyone, it's a waist of energy and needed that for Mom. Actions speak louder for sure. If your efforts are the best you can do with good intentions, you should live with peace in your heart. Oh... and your Mom's telling you something, by not wanting to go into anyone elses care, it is because she knows noone will care for her the way you do. Would she be fighting to stay if she really was unhappy. Like a 2 year old they figure out who will be there and defend them no matter what. AND she is your Mother you know each other very well. When she complains to your sisters she's really just testing thier love. She can't complain about them, she never sees them. Be Strong!

So Very Tired..... I know it can be difficult to see or even believe that your own mother would abuse you in such a way. Then to have the family blame you it just one more form of abuse. First of all Your Mother is not Your Mother any longer. Age does things to the mind and body chemistry that can litteraly turn the human being back into a child. From your discription, and one I am living thru, this has happened to your mother. They call it lots of fancy things but that is what it boils down to and NOW you need to be the adult you are and take control of your child. If the family will not allow it you may be forced to either walk away or get legal action involved.

Either way you will have to do something if you want to survive. I am not exaggerating. I let mine get so bad I now have several health issues one of which will probably keep me on medication the rest of my life.

Ask you husband -- I am sure your relationship with him and your children are much more supportive and worth MUCH MORE than the guilt beating you get from your mother and siblings. Choices are sometimes very very hard. Trust yourself and research best options for you and your family -- no one else. That is of course assuming you want to....

I agree with igloo572. run do not walk to the nearest exit. inform your selfish mother and siblings that you are through being the scapegoat. give them a deadline, 30-60 days what ever is best for YOU. then walk away, I know its hard, this will be one of the hardest things you will ever do but you need to do it. you are an enabler, you are allowing them to use you in the worst possible way. I had to do this with my son who was on drugs for years. always using the poor me crap on me. his parole officer sat down with me one day & just told me like it was, if you continue to enable your son he will be die. i gave my son 60 days to get straight, he didn't belive me. it was very hard, i cried thousands of tears but after about 2 years on the street my son is finally off drugs and has a good job for the first time in his life (he's 37)