My mother has dementia. She lives with her husband in an assisted-living facility. She is safe, well-fed, provided with transportation to medical appointments and shopping, and has everything she needs. However, she is constantly on my sister and my adult daughter to do things for her that are just plain nonsense. They, however, come running, at her beck and call, then complain how much of their time she uses up and how frustrated they are with her. It doesn't need to be this way and I'm getting sick of hearing the complaining. My sister and my daughter need to realize they can say "No" once in a while, especially when our mother is only making up excuses to get one of the girls to come and pick her up and take her out. As with many dementia patients, my mother is not pleasant to be around, so wouldn't these two girls try to find ways to keep their contact with her to a minimum? Like make sure her fridge and cupboards are always stocked with the foods she and her husband want to have in the house. That's the number one thing our mother calls the girls for. To go to the store and get her milk, or bread, or ice cream, or smokes. And these girls go running, almost every day! Why on earth would they not buy her a carton of smokes instead of only a pack? Why not separate a loaf of bread into two or three separate freezer bags so she isn't throwing out half a loaf of dry or moldy bread? Why not buy 2 litres of milk instead of one which is gone in three days. Just turn up the fridge -- 2 litres of milk will keep for two weeks! I think there a lot of things these two girls can be doing to make their own lives easier where my mother is concerned, but they seem to like to complain so maybe they don't want to make it easier for themselves. I live too far away to be a hands-on caregiver for my Mom but I try to help by offering solutions to problems. However, the absolutely viable solutions I offer are never considered -- never put into action. Like I said, it seems people would rather complain than fix the problem. I'm sick of it.
My Dad lived in "Independent Living", and I kept wondering who came up with that term "independent" as I was the one running here and there for him. Eventually he got his groceries once every two weeks, he was well stocked up in case there was a huge blizzard and couldn't get out, especially with toilet paper. Dad did get one meal in the main facility dining room.
Time to set boundaries, only one afternoon or weekend afternoon or morning a week. Almost all Assisted Living facilities have a small bus that will take the residents to a local grocery store, to Walmart, to the Dollar Store, etc. The trips are usually free, and should be on the facility calendar. Have your sister and daughter check on that.
Here are some things to think about if one is trying to decide whether to quit work to care for an aging parent.... on average if a working person quits work he/she will lose over the years between $285,000 and $325,000 which includes not only loss of salary over those years... it also includes the net worth loss of the health insurance coverage.... loss of money being put into Social Security/Medicare..... loss of other benefits such as matching 401(k).... profit sharing.... workman's comp insurance.... company sponsored life insurance.... vacation pay, sick pay.... tuition assistance, etc. [source: in part Reuters 5/30/12]
Is getting a carton of milk and a pack of cigarettes worth this?
Regardless of their motivation or whether what they are doing is unnecessary and foolish, there is no way that you, as the distant relative, can tell them that without getting yourself into trouble. It sounds as though you have already stated your case since you say "My sister is offended at being called a martyr". You can't change her reaction to your mother's demands, but you can refuse to listen to her complaints about it. You might ask if there is anything concrete you can do to help ease her burden, but if all she wants is someone to dump on you can tell her "yes, mother is a pain, but you already know what I think about that" and change the subject. I have a sister who dumps on me about her work or marital problems and sometimes I will listen, but sometimes I just have to tell her I have heard enough, it can take me hours to decompress after her calls.