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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
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Mostly Independent
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When I tell her that I was just there an hour ago, she gets upset that she doesn't remember. Which is more distressing for dementia patient in assisted living?
I think the most distressing thing for anybody would be to feel abandoned. I would do everything I could to assure your loved one that she is loved and cared for -- short of arguing with her about her memories.
My sibs and I visited our motherly several times a week. She enjoyed the visits while we were there but she didn't always remember them. We tried to reinforce the awareness that we cared and we came often. I learned that if I asked "Was Ray here last weekend?" I sometimes got a confused look and sometimes a tentative "Yes, I think so." So I switched to saying, "I heard that Ray was here last weekend. I know he likes to come as often as he can. I suppose you played cards." I'd also say things like "I see you have new magazines. I know Rita brings them to you." And the staff helped by often saying, "You are so lucky, Jean, to have your children visit so often!"
Sometimes we'd write on her whiteboard.
I wouldn't want to argue about whether someone was there an hour ago, but I would casually and frequently remind her that you come a lot, and others do, too (if that is true.)
My mom knew she had memory problems. We'd reassure her that it didn't matter -- she would be taken care of. "It doesn't matter if you don't remember lunch, Ma. We are so glad you are in a nice place where helpers bring you to the dining room for every meal. You don't have to remember, they'll help you." And, "Ma, it doesn't matter if you can't remember that Sue was here yesterday. We all come and enjoy being with you. It is OK if you don't always remember."
I think that is the best you can do, Mjlarkan. When our loved ones have memory loss or dementia or mental illness issues, we cannot make their world perfect; we cannot fix everything. Just keep doing the best you can.
What usually helps is to have something up on the wall - either photos of people the patient would remember from a long time back, or family. Places usually mean less than people. And also have a whiteboard or corkboard where you can put up different pictures or messages and swap them around when you visit. Also leave kind messages on pieces of paper in any pile of papers the patient has around. My Alzheimer's friend used to be a secretary and is manic about filing papers, opening up every folded paper to read it before putting it back into the pile, left tidily in a new position. So one cheerful message or greetings card will last for weeks or months. She reads it as though it has just arrived.
Sorry I meant to add that it is often an effort for Alz. patients to remember visits, because that is coupled with effort to remember what was said or done. That means stress, to be avoided. So when visiting my friend, I only say "do you remember xx or yyy" when pointing to a picture or photo on her wall, and if this doesn't trigger anything, I just make up a story. As she doesn't retain any new information longer than 2 minutes max, I think of her as living in the moment. One day she won't remember who I am, although I have been caring for her for 10 years, but I've already decided that that won't matter. As long as she smiles when seeing me, that is enough.
My cousin used to beg me to come and see her in AL, as if she hadn't seem me in days, when in fact, I had only left an hour earlier. She had no short term memory, so I just started saying that I would come as soon as I got off work. She would forget that too within minutes.
I just had to deal with the moment we were speaking to assure her. When the short term memory goes, no amount of reminding is sufficient.
Now, her short term memory is even worse, yet, I still call her in between visits to chat and ask her if she needs me to bring her anything. She always says no, but, I still bring her favorite treats, which she loves. I think she's forgotten what her treats are, until she sees them or I bring it up.
I know she can't recall the phone call, but, for that one minute, I know that she's smiling and being told that she is loved. She says it back too, so, I think there is something positive from it.
My dear Dad used to ask me how I'd managed to find him. I assured him I would always be able to find him, and even if he was sleeping, I'd look in on him and come and hold his hand. Staying calm and giving a loving answer may help reassure your Mum in her moments of doubt.
You might buy a copy of "The Runaway Bunny: by Margaret Wise Brown" and read to her every time you visit. It may get lost in the NH, so keep it and bring it every time you visit.
I remember seeing the movie "Wit" in which Emma Thompson plays an English prof. who has ovarian cancer, and late in the movie, when she's dying, the only visitor she receives in the hospital is her former graduate school professor who reads her excerpts from "The Runaway Bunny". At that time, she is nearing death and is pretty much out of it. So I've always wanted it read to me on my deathbed (how morbid), but it seems like it'd be a reassuring thing to read anyway.
You are wonderful to visit everyday - I work long hours and can only make it 3-4 x a week but I try to have personal caregivers there everyday for 4 hours so she can have some one on one attention - a dear friend visits weekly as does our housekeeper - doesn't make up for her other kids and grandkids ignoring her but it's way more than most who have no one
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
My sibs and I visited our motherly several times a week. She enjoyed the visits while we were there but she didn't always remember them. We tried to reinforce the awareness that we cared and we came often. I learned that if I asked "Was Ray here last weekend?" I sometimes got a confused look and sometimes a tentative "Yes, I think so." So I switched to saying, "I heard that Ray was here last weekend. I know he likes to come as often as he can. I suppose you played cards." I'd also say things like "I see you have new magazines. I know Rita brings them to you." And the staff helped by often saying, "You are so lucky, Jean, to have your children visit so often!"
Sometimes we'd write on her whiteboard.
I wouldn't want to argue about whether someone was there an hour ago, but I would casually and frequently remind her that you come a lot, and others do, too (if that is true.)
My mom knew she had memory problems. We'd reassure her that it didn't matter -- she would be taken care of. "It doesn't matter if you don't remember lunch, Ma. We are so glad you are in a nice place where helpers bring you to the dining room for every meal. You don't have to remember, they'll help you." And, "Ma, it doesn't matter if you can't remember that Sue was here yesterday. We all come and enjoy being with you. It is OK if you don't always remember."
My Alzheimer's friend used to be a secretary and is manic about filing papers, opening up every folded paper to read it before putting it back into the pile, left tidily in a new position. So one cheerful message or greetings card will last for weeks or months. She reads it as though it has just arrived.
I just had to deal with the moment we were speaking to assure her. When the short term memory goes, no amount of reminding is sufficient.
Now, her short term memory is even worse, yet, I still call her in between visits to chat and ask her if she needs me to bring her anything. She always says no, but, I still bring her favorite treats, which she loves. I think she's forgotten what her treats are, until she sees them or I bring it up.
I know she can't recall the phone call, but, for that one minute, I know that she's smiling and being told that she is loved. She says it back too, so, I think there is something positive from it.
I remember seeing the movie "Wit" in which Emma Thompson plays an English prof. who has ovarian cancer, and late in the movie, when she's dying, the only visitor she receives in the hospital is her former graduate school professor who reads her excerpts from "The Runaway Bunny". At that time, she is nearing death and is pretty much out of it. So I've always wanted it read to me on my deathbed (how morbid), but it seems like it'd be a reassuring thing to read anyway.
Just a suggestion.
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