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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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Mom is old and three sisters in three different situations are fighting about caregiving. Each is counting how much they are spending on the parent and who is taking most care and who is not taking care at all .....
Here's a question: does Mom fuel this? If she is the one that is instigating this, it is important for the sisters to understand this. Some parents enjoy the sibling rivalry and attention, so I'm just asking if that might be a factor.
Even after siblings recognize this, though, it's hard to remember that if Mom says "Caroline is doing so much more for me than you are, Susan, and I really love her so much for it" that it's still hard for Susan not to take it out on Caroline (names are all made up just for purposes of illustration).
Motives for taking care of a parent don't include that parent being especially nice, so I wouldn't count these folks lucky. Sometimes, it's from a sense of duty, sometimes, from guilt, yet other times, a true sense of competition.
If you're not involved, I wouldn't worry about it unless it's hurting your mom. Some families have a parent stay for one portion of the year with each person and that seems to work out for them. If they are caring in her home, I get the impression that they're spending money as some sort of competition with each other, but maybe that's an unfair guess.
It sounds to me like the sisters are more worried about who is spending the most money and doing the most care, as in "I'm spending more than you and doing more caring than you, cheapskate!" Insinuating, or maybe coming right out and saying, that the other one or two should do more of their fair share. Make it even. However, as Pkarti stated, the sisters are all in different situations, so it's likely that everything can't be totally even. The sisters just have to get it resolved that it isn't always fair and even in life....duh! And they just have to step up to the plate and do the best they can for the Mom, hopefully not letting her see the arguing going on about who has the heaviest load. Maybe YOU, as a third neutral party, could attempt to explain it to the sisters so they don't get their Mom in the fracas, and make her feel like she's a big problem being shifted around. :) Good luck to you.
Tell them it's time to stop fighting and time to have a calm, repectful joint family forum to discuss moms care, future care needs and caregiving expenses to be fair to all.
Agree to some ground rules. Then lay it all out and decide how to divide up care, expenses evenly. This might mean time, chores, respite care, monthly expenses. If it means helping the primary caregiver by hiring outside help, arranging services, hiring a housekeeper, paying for senior daycare, respite care, etc...then do so. If it means everyone chips in $X/mo, then do so...if one can't pay, then can you consider documenting all expenses, and then that share will be deducted from the final estate in the end. Maybe one family is on a sliding scale, maybe they can provide time by taking mom or coming to your house and taking care of mom for 2 weeks annually.
This family bickering isn't unusual or unwarranted and is necessary to even the playing field as there is always someone feeling more burdened or taken advantage of. For the sake of the relationship, best to try and work it out.
Consider best interest of mom, what mom is comfortable with and how to provide some balance for care giving.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
On the other hand, it must be a problem for you or you wouldn't be posting. Can you explain what difficulties this competition is causing, please?
Even after siblings recognize this, though, it's hard to remember that if Mom says "Caroline is doing so much more for me than you are, Susan, and I really love her so much for it" that it's still hard for Susan not to take it out on Caroline (names are all made up just for purposes of illustration).
If you're not involved, I wouldn't worry about it unless it's hurting your mom. Some families have a parent stay for one portion of the year with each person and that seems to work out for them. If they are caring in her home, I get the impression that they're spending money as some sort of competition with each other, but maybe that's an unfair guess.
Agree to some ground rules. Then lay it all out and decide how to divide up care, expenses evenly. This might mean time, chores, respite care, monthly expenses. If it means helping the primary caregiver by hiring outside help, arranging services, hiring a housekeeper, paying for senior daycare, respite care, etc...then do so. If it means everyone chips in $X/mo, then do so...if one can't pay, then can you consider documenting all expenses, and then that share will be deducted from the final estate in the end. Maybe one family is on a sliding scale, maybe they can provide time by taking mom or coming to your house and taking care of mom for 2 weeks annually.
This family bickering isn't unusual or unwarranted and is necessary to even the playing field as there is always someone feeling more burdened or taken advantage of. For the sake of the relationship, best to try and work it out.
Consider best interest of mom, what mom is comfortable with and how to provide some balance for care giving.
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