I am getting burnt out. My mom needs 24 hours supervision. Cannot dress herself or go to the bathroom by herself . She is also incontinent. She has diabetes and need oxygen. My husband is suffering also because he is 68 and I am 66 and he wants to have some time for traveling before anything happens to us. She has been with us 3 years and has had a stroke. I hav e no living brothers or sisters. I don't think she will forgive me if I put her in a nursing home.
Your mother will be upset and angry at first, but she also may make friends and she could be much happier among peers. She's have access to more help. Any move like this takes adjustment time, but most people adjust once they realize this is their new home.
You can't keep this up alone and it could have serious implications for your marriage. You have done a lot for her. You will continue to be a caregiver and advocate, even if she is in a nursing home. But you will have help and also have some time to yourself. This is not too much to ask.
Carol
Good Luck.
Please listen to these experts who have walked in your shoes (or are doing so now).
Carol
Family caregiving doesn't come with a plan but you can certaining try and sit down and write out over the next few weeks what is going on: Meds, Hospice, preplanned funeral arrangements, change in behavior, all of the paperwork for acting on her behalf is in place, a good living will and advanced directives, durable powers of attorney with medical language, etc.
You are overwhelmed by the experience and your emotions are real. It is tough to do your "day" job as nurse and come back to your other "job" as a family caregiver. I say "job" because if I told you to take the same responsibility for a person just like mom, but not your mother, you would set the ground rules for the job. Hours worked, reimbursement, time off, relief shift, etc., etc. You didnt negotiate this job it was deleivered to you. Dont get me wrong, you love your mother and you made the promise and I understand that. However, no ones prior training, including a nurse, can ever really prepare them for family caregiving. It is okay to cry in the shower - we all do it. I am a non-clinical family caregiving expert doing this exclusively for the last twenty years and when I have personal family caregiving beyond the flu, I seek outside help. We have no capability for object perspective when our feet are in emotional quicksand.
Hopefully the caregiver and Hospice will allow you to keep your promise regarding the nursing home. Remember, nursing homes are there when the logistics and emotions get so overwhelming and the clinical condition warrants it.Especially since Hospice would follow her there and you would have the same palliative treatment going on now. As I said in another e-mail yesterday to another family caregiver - you may change the "roof" from home to SNF, but the responsibility of the job changes to less hands-on work and more advocacy and oversight that mom is getting the very best of care. Between you and Hospice that should be very good care. That is also where your nurse training will be invaluable and end-of-life has a few more clinical components that you will better understand although totally palliative in approach.
Good luck. Your are doing a great job.
Since caregiving is such an individual issue I felt I should weigh in on the subject. I understand that most of what I read here is people validating their own care decisions, but do think that there has to be a balance, and some of the emotion whether it is caused by exhaustion or feeling used should not enter into the discussion. I cannot help but wonder if Baby Boomers will think differently when we are the aged parent, and our kids and their spouses are having that same discussion.
I think the ideal is to take steps along the way with elder care, but the path is not always that straight and sure. My dad's brain surgery took him from a normal man in his early seventies to a severely demented man - in one day. We tried taking him home, but a couple of days proved that this would not work for him. He entered a nursing home a couple of blocks from my home where we could be with him daily.
My uncle was able to go in "steps," starting out with in-home care. That worked until a third major stroke made his care at home impossible (or safe), and he and dad spent part of their time in the same nursing home.
Caregiving is daunting for many, if not most people. Many have been at it for years. Some have lost marriages over it. There are no easy answers. The options available now help, but no choice is right for everyone.
For me, the challenge before boomers is to make more and better options available. Build on what we have that is good, get rid of any care operators who don't measure up to high standards, and continue to press for culture change so that all elders are treated as individuals whether they live in their own homes with some help, with their adult children, in assisted living or nursing homes. Keep up the good work, folks. You are amazng.
Carol
Well said. Thanks for the balance you always bring to these discussions. I never want to put mom in a nursing home, but I know that my feelings may change and I may have to change my decision and way of thinking. Thanks,
Linda
Hope it all works out.
Best,
Jackie