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I had to bring mom down from NJ to FL. I was supposed to drive her car from NJ to the auto-train. She changed everything so she could stop off and see her niece in MD. Non stop abuse. We were five minutes from her house when mom started screaming at me about a bar of soap I put back on a counter so she could pack it. No, I should have put it in her hand. I had dinner with the cousins and went to bed immediately after dinner foregoing some nice time with my cousin and her kids I had never met before. The next day she drove to the train and I just sat there for 3 hours being demeaned. The train was 4 hours late getting into Sanford station. She let me drive. I connected the phone, music and waze to her stereo. She turned the volume way down and launched Waze on her phone so I couldn't hear the directions on the audio system. According to her my phone wasn't working (because she sabotaged it). I asked her to turn off waze on her phone and she wouldn't. I drove for 2 hours with her gasping, grabbing the door handles, and telling me that I was missing what waze was saying (again she turned the volume off). After 2 hours of her front-seat/back-seat Waze reporting behavior I had it. I put on headphones and let her drive. Never, Never again will I drive her car south with her in it. If she wants to fine!!!! I just hope she doesn't kill anyone (let alone herself). What do you do when trapped by an abuser?

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Hobbitt,

You don’t need the headache. You mom does nothing but cause you stress. I wish she wasn’t the way she is but nobody can change her. You know that. I have no doubt that she contributed to your mental health issues. I am glad that you had a good father. He validated you. She hasn’t.

Please know I am not trying to hurt you by insulting your mom. I am only pointing out her behavior because I don’t like that she is upsetting you.

If you are kind enough to help her out as often as you do she should appreciate it, not take you for granted and certainly not interfere with what needs to be done. She needs to be thankful that you are doing her a favor. She doesn’t get to devalue you and stress you out. You’re the qualified one, not her. She doesn’t have the tech background, you do. Remind her of that!

She needs you! Do you really need her? Maybe she was there for you in your time of need and I applaud that. That doesn’t entitle her to act the way she does though. If anything, she is well aware of all that you have been through and she should be proud of you for working so hard to rebuild your life. You with the help of medical professionals picked yourself back up and worked through issues. You did that. Not your mom.

You worked hard to put the pieces back together. You know this. She assisted with certain things but you did all of the necessary hard work to get your life back on track.

She doesn’t get to destroy your hard work. Tell her that you will do the chores that she needs if you wish but only on your terms. She can go to another room and butt out instead of interfering. No one likes to have that kind of interference. This isn’t constructive criticism. It is trying to manipulate and control and you don’t deserve that.

You are being considerate of her by helping her. She needs to be considerate of you. Best wishes to you. Hugs!
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Hobbitt97 Nov 2019
Well we took mom's iMac to the shop. They ended up replacing the mechanical hard drive with a solid state one. The computer is faster now than any home computer I have ever seen. All the programs (including password manager) are up and running within 5 seconds. What had happened when things didn't autofill she kept click and clicking and typing because it wasn't fast enough. Like pressing the elevator button over and over again.
I set up her computer at her home and went back to mine. She called me an hour later. She wanted me to hand hold her on buying something on Amazon. I blew a fuse. I started screaming at her the I had enough of her and her f(*(*ing computer and hung up on her.
I took 2 days off from her. When we spoke I told her that the combination of her computer naivete and the trip to Florida had caused me to come unglued.
We agreed we needed to hash things out. When she had gone north last Spring our relationship had been good and now it was totally dysfunctional.
We discussed the following:
1. She is getting to the point where she is always uncomfortable and/or is sick. She isn't getting better only worse.
2. She is starting to spend the better part of her week at a variety of doctor's offices and doesn't like it.
3. She is depressed and frightened.
4. She always took great care of herself and worked out almost everyday for at least an hour. The doctor told her to ease up on this.
5. She is about to go from a cane to a walker.
6. She is aware of how she treated me and that she is sorry.

Mom is aware that I have become more and more the person she relies on for help. (Last spring we had a run to the hospital because she had fallen down and hurt herself. She was treated poorly by the emergency room doctors and had to go to x-ray 6 times because of it. We were there for 6 hours instead of 2 because of the doctor treating her like a befuddled senior citizen. I spoke to the head nurse and told her what I thought about this. I was upset without getting mean and nasty, I was able to expedite her diagnosis and discharge from the hospital. Mom was amazed at how I acted and got her attended to much more quickly than she would have done herself.
We discussed that there isn't a cure for getting old and dying. We are going to get a company that does social security representative payee services. I told her getting old sucks and that I am getting older too. She asked me how do I know that I am getting old (I had bariatric surgery 3 years ago and lost 180lbs and am now at 175lbs and feel better physically and mentally than at any other point of my life). I answered her that I look at young people in their 20s and know that I most likely won't be around when they are in their 60s. I no longer have decades and decades of comfortable life ahead of me, that I will die also.
Mom is also going to see a psychiatrist about these issues. My brother thought her issues were my issues and we both needed therapy. I told him about the conversation mom and I had and he realized that I was right. I already see a therapist and a psychiatrist. Her misbehavior over the last two weeks were her worries, concerns and depression and she was taking it out on me.
I told Mom that instead of her being nasty to me she needs to tell me how she is feeling. I also said I don't give a crap about her computer that when we talk how she feels is my priority. I told her that I am not tech support I am her son. If she needs computer help I will come over every couple of days. Ninety-five percent of her calls to me where tech calls.
That had had to stop.
The sit down was very productive and we are back to where we were last Spring. We agreed to put the trip down in the past and move one.
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Do you really need a payee. From what I see, you are on ur own and would probably do OK if Mom wasn't bugging you. Seems she has no problem with being on her own, am I right? Any other family members near by that can help with Mom? I really don't feel you should be her caregiver. I would think the stress would trigger your BiPolar.

My nephew was ADHD and so is my grandson. Ages 29 and 25. Both were weaned off their meds and doing Ok. Nephew does have a neurological problem and grandson suffers from epilepsy. I have a cousin who suffers from BiPolar so I have an idea where ur coming from.

Talk to ur therapist about setting boundries. And when u do, you have to stick by them. Talk to him/her about the payee problem. Maybe he can help get ur SS back into your hands. I oversee my nephews accounts. I am payee for his Government Annuity because its required when you claim disability. I transfer his rent and utilities over to his checking acct. He has this to learn how to handle money. His SS is for his food, phone and spending money. I am on all his accts so I am able to check to make sure his bills are being paid. (Nephews neurological problem effects his maturity level. He really is more like a 19 yr old then 29. This maybe as far as he will go maturity wise)
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Hobbitt97 Nov 2019
10 years ago I was in extremely bad shape and tried to kill myself in horrible depression. Mom helped me. I stayed in a halfway house for almost 3 years until I was able to get on disability. She paid the bills for me until then. I was unable to handle anything. Compulsive overspending etc. At that time I need a rep payee and she did it. Now when I go over to her house or login in remotely I sit at her computer and help her with her bills. She can't do anything on the computer without supervision. I do love her but even that is hard. Due to adhd, panic attacks, dyslexia I am unable to handle more than 1 task at a hand or I get nuts (why I got disability). Mom will keep talking to me from another room and asking me questions. I have to remind her that I can't do that. I get surly and confused.
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While I am thinking about it, SS now gives out debit cards. Each month your SS goes on a debit card they provide. You use it just like anyother debit card. My nephew loves it. You download an app and you can see what you have spent.
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When I had to drive with my dad, and he was driving, I would just pretend I fell asleep, so I didnt have to hear him complain about the drivers near us. It worked.

I tried doing that when he was complaining about my driving :-/ (kidding)

One time he was pointing in a direction, so I followed his finger right up and over a bump in the road. It was some kind of marker. As we drove over the bump, he winced in pain. then he told me, "don't go over those, it hurts." I'm pretty sure I would have avoided it, had he not pointed at it....

Dad, I miss You.
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Hobbitt97 Nov 2019
My brother tried speaking to her. He doesn't take her crap for a minute. She started telling him about my dad who's been gone 15 years (he couldn't wait to die and get away from her) and how he treated her. She also told my brother that I love(d) him more than her and she is pissed off about it. My dad would step in the line of fire from her and protect me. My dad would say "I'm not your friend, I'm your father." He was the best person I ever met and loved me unconditionally and totally. One time when he was driving (with written directions) he missed an exit. She screamed out, "HERE MAX NOW!!!!" he swerved over 2 lanes and hit the car to the right of him. Six months ago I had her in the car and had to cross the railroad tracks. The moment I was on the tracks she started screaming at me. I stopped and started looking around to see what I hit. It turned out that the gates had started coming down as I was crossing them. If it had been the Bright Line train I wouldn't be typing this. My family almost flew me home from MD. She doesn't think she is doing anything wrong.
After working a midnight shift (after taking the auto train the night before) and having no sleep I had to go to an Unveiling ceremony (done 6 months after a Jewish funeral to reveal the tombstone to the family). After the ceremony I just looked her and started crying and told her "You hurt me very badly". Her response, "what did I do now?" I got in my car and went home.
The next day she wanted to know why. My brother got nowhere with her about what she does to me. She just turned the crap around to blame it on my dad and my relationship with him. I just told her it was the accumulation of no sleep and arguing with her all week and that I just wanted to put it behind me.
I see my therapist on Tuesday. I was fine before she got here while she was up in NJ for 6 months. I dread her being here.
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Automobile Club used to give you Trip Ticks...They would map it out on paper for you. You can do this too. Map it on computer, and then write or print it out..

Big print so you can have your mom read it to you,, or, vs.
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Hobbitt97 Nov 2019
the problem was she (and I) are used to Waze. One of the problems was she used Waze to assist her in being a backseat driver
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Hobbitt, I feel for you. I can barely stand being in the car for 15 minutes to take her to an appointment!!! My son takes her out once it twice a month for dinner and she tells him to stop at the convenient store to play scratch off tickets. Whenever he says no and keeps driving he said he's afraid she's going to start hitting him!! She's 95 years old but I don't put anything past her. I feel your pain!!
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Geeeeez,

This situation sounds impossible. Impossible to deal with! Honestly, I don’t know how you didn’t have a nervous break down or a heart attack!

I don’t blame you for feeling as you do. I think this forum would have had to tell me to shut up because I probably would have wanted to vent for at least 10 pages.

You deserve better and you know it. I feel your pain. Take a break. A long break! Don’t step back into the fire. You’ve been through enough hell.

Hugs! 💗
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So stop.

Tomorrow morning call the social security administration and ask them how you get a representative payee that WILL keep your best interests in mind and NOT cause you damage because they are not doing their fudiciary responsibility.

When all of the nonsense started with my dad, 2016, I was told by SSA that I could hire a professional rep payee for my dad and it was 35.00 monthly for them to handle his finances.

I am sorry that your mom doesn't have any regard for anyone besides herself, so common amongst senior citizens it seems.

Let her pitch a fit and rant and rave, NO! is a complete sentence and you are not her personal slave. Sabotage the technical stuff mom, you can call a professional and pay them for the services that you have been receiving from me for free, or you can pay me and schedule a time, no more jumping.

One thing that you may be facing is that she could be developing dementia and truly doesn't have the capacity to be anything other than what she is. She is pretty old and could be struggling with her own abilities.

I think that boundaries and separation of mom and money is in your future so that you can not feel endangered by telling her no.

I can understand being trapped in a vehicle with abuse. I drove from Boise, ID to Las Vegas, NV in 10 hours because I was going to explode dealing with my dads crap. I could have killed us, but I didn't even care at the time. I thought that I would be happier dead then to hear one more nasty hateful word from his mouth. Which driving in excess of 95 mph, he was scared silent, so it worked. I wouldn't endanger us again, but I truly didn't care at that point.

Protect your wellbeing, you matter.
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Barb is right walk away. I come from a truly dysfunctional family. Best move I ever made was moving 1300 miles away from them. My mom moved to where I lived at the very end of her life. It was okay. My brother wasn’t with her.
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Deep breath. Now, find a therapist to help you set boundaries with your mom. Next, have someone else assigned as your representative payee. Keep taking deep breaths. Next time your mom needs help tell her today isn't convenient but that you'll stop by tomorrow, then hang up the phone before the abuse starts. Talk to your family and tell them you cannot allow her abuse. Do not stay in her presence when she starts abusing you. Do not answer her calls. Keep breathing. You can get through this with help.
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She's a monster. Protect yourself. Spawning children does NOT give you carte blanche to just abuse them. Screw that!

***you said: No I am on disability and she is my representative payee. (I've had adhd, bipolar, dyslecxia, GAD, just bad wiring). She is starting to mess up my accounts and my family is ready to put that in professional hands.

This is another form of abuse! And sweetie, i bet you dollars to donuts that some of your 'bad wiring' is a result of years of manipulation and abuse.
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I am glad to hear that you are looking into getting someone else to handle your financial accounts: I have always been told by many people that family should not manage your finances/be a representative payee. It deteriorates the relationship with family.

I will say some prayers for you: I had an abusive parent and it's not easy to cope with.
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Why do you subject yourself to her?

Walk away. She can only abuse you if you allow it.

Are you dependent upon her in some way? Are you her guardian?

If neither of those applies, you simply stop showing up and block her calls.
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Is your mother moving down to FL to live with you? (If so, WHY?!?!)
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Hobbitt97 Nov 2019
No, oh hell no. I have an apartment 2 miles away. I am there almost everyday unscrewing what she has done to a variety of electronics, computers, etc. (I used to do tech support and am very savvy)..It almost seems she sabotages her computer on purpose, (I wouldn't be surprised if she is) She's angry if I don't have time to come over or log into her computer immediately. No I am on disability and she is my representative payee. (I've had adhd, bipolar, dyslecxia, GAD, just bad wiring). She is starting to mess up my accounts and my family is ready to put that in professional hands. The drive down trip was supposed to be the day before. She changed it all so she could see my cousins despite having to work a part-time midnight shift the day of the train. She told no one of the change in plans. Initially she was supposed to fly down and I was going to drive. Just a total disaster. I actually hate her and wanted to sign myself into a mental health center as an inpatient. I am done. I can't take this anymore.
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