I’m in my sixties, single, active. I moved in with my parents to help them for a year and dad immediately passed. Four years later my mom’s eyesight is almost gone, she needs more and more care, wants to die or says so.
She put my name on the home deed with her right away. I’m also trying to preserve my no-good brother’s inheritance and some other assets.
If she goes to a home I’ll have to sell the house and get what half is left after mortgage, fees etc paid.
she can be left alone for a few hours at a time so I do get out. She paid into long term care and I use it to bring in help. The house is large and I have what amounts to my own apartment which is comfortable.
I didn’t show up broke. I have some assets but there is no way to work. She’s a handful and needs a lot of help.
I’m not willing to put her in a home yet and she wants to stay home. But there are times I just want to collapse. Where I live there isn’t any caregiver support and ltc doesnt cover respite. I cant get paid bb them because I was living with her when she qualified.
My guestimate is 1-2 years before we call in hospice. I keep telling myself I can do this. It makes sense financially for me if she csn remain at home and more comfort for her.
It’s not what I planned and sometimes I feel lousy about the financial incentive. She’s miserable, her body is failing her, and it’s hard to take. When brother breezes through he’s worse than useless and causes tension. At the end of this is enough for me retire on.
Please offer me some encouragement.
Are you POA for your mom? Can she pay you out of the assets she has or income she has coming in for the care you are providing (and maybe some respite or more help)?
I’m not sure why you are wanting to preserve any inheritance for unhelpful brother, frankly.
In our 60s, things can go profoundly downhill on a dime one day, when we least expect it.
I cared for my parents for 10.5 years first in Independent Living, then Assisted Living, then Memory Care Assisted Living for mom until she passed at 95. As POA, I used all of my parents money, or my inheritance, on their care because I wanted to preserve my sanity and give them a quality of care I could not give them myself at home. I'm awfully glad I did, as it turns out.
A few months after mom died, my husband needed a liver transplant and we had to move into a hotel in AZ to Care for him for 7 weeks as he recovered. 4 months before we left, I had a tiny beauty mark removed from my arm and it was biopsied as in situ melanoma, no big deal they said.
7 months later, I was diagnosed with terminal stage 4 melanoma cancer which metastasized into my lymph nodes, spine, bones, and my liver had so many tumors on it they were too numerous to count. I was given 2 months to live. 2 immunotherapy treatments got me into remission, thankfully, but the side effects rendered me chair and bed ridden for the past 9 months. I have no idea how long remission will last, but I do know I'm no longer a candidate for immunotherapy in the future.
I'm telling you this story as a cautionary tale. Don't sacrifice your active, healthy life NOW for half of an inheritance that you'll get sometime down the road. My mother "wanted to die" for many years before she actually did. Had I had her living with me for years and then diagnosed with terminal cancer, I think I'd have lost my mind.
Do what's right for you NOW bc tomorrow is not guaranteed for anyone. We here on the forum wind up seeing caregivers die before their loved one who manage to live to 100+.
If you WANT to continue caring for mom, by all means do so. If, however, you're burned out and half dead from this caregiving routine, spend the money and get her into AL and to hell with "inheritances". Money can't buy you the precious and healthy time you will have lost to on hands caregiving, in reality.
Good luck.
When my mother moved in, she could be left alone too so I continued working.
As her Parkinson’s disease progressed she needed more care so I ended up quitting my job. I regret that decision.
Plus, as you know it becomes physically and emotionally exhausting to be a full time caregiver.
Don’t rule out placing your mom in a facility if it becomes necessary down the road.
Wishing you and your mother all the best.
Your moms money while she's still alive is HERS and should be used on giving and getting her the best care possible. And if that means placing her in a really nice facility where she will receive the care she needs and you can get on with living and enjoying your life(as none of us are guaranteed tomorrow)then so be it.
I believe you are letting your supposed inheritance cloud your better judgement in this situation and I hope before it's too late that you will put yourself and your mom before HER money.
The inheritance would be nice. Who would turn it down? Why should a nursing home get it. I’m reading stories about neglect and incompetency in homes plus they charge a fortune.
If something happens to me it will happen but at least I’m in a good place.
Do not worry about your brother. Moms money for Moms care. Neither u or brother are entitled to it. Wills are for "just in case". If the house needs to be sold or money spent for Moms care, then so be it. If Mom ever needs Medicaid, the house is an exempt asset. If Mom needs LTC, then she will need what assets she has to pay for her care. Do not quit a job to be her Caregiver. You need those Social Security earnings for your future.
If Mom has money, you use it on her care. You never use your own.
This will have SERIOUS repercussions for her should she ever need Medicaid with it's lookback (5 years unless CA.--then 2 1/1).
And she gave away HER assets for HER care to you while she is still alive. Horrific.
Thinking you can take care of your mother as she takes her downhill slide? Well, you can't BEGIN to imagine.
What do you do when she needs 24 hour care?
We see families thinking they can do this all the time. When the parent dies they will have the assets, but the parent DOESN'T die. Instead requires more and more 24 hour care until finally the parent goes into care. Then the clawback by the government on the assets begins.
We see these now aging "children" end up homeless, penniless, without a job or job history, We have had to suggest homeless shelters as plan "A".
I am not going to bother wading through all this.
Playing around with money and assets, especially when they are NOT YOURS is a serious matter with serious consequences.
While it is too late now I am going to send you and Mom and the bro to an ELDER LAW ATTORNEY.
Legal and monetary issues need expert (EXPERT) legal and monetary advice. You can get everything including POA papers and such done at once.
Take all deeds and records with you.
Send her to a facility for a couple of weeks. Take a rest from her to think about things for a while. Then have a meeting with your brother. Tell him that either he steps up and really starts helping out (as in he takes her to his house on week-ends to give you a break), or she goes into a nursing home and there will be no inheritance for him or anyone else.
None of this is your fault. It's heartbreaking but there's nothing you can do about your mother's misery and failing health. We aren't allowed to give human beings the same compassion and mercy we will give an animal that is in pain and suffering with no possible improvement.
Have a talk with your brother while your mother is in respite. Then talk to her doctor. There's al kinds of medical breakthroughs happening. I just heard that doctors are prescribing the anti-depressant drug Cymbalta to treat widespread chronic pain in people who can't take pain medications or who are elderly. It helps pain and has a very pleasant side effect. It reduces misery, negativity, and depression in the person taking it. Talk to your mother's doctor. Any improvement in quality of life is a win.
You are going to have to figure a way out of this servitude.
Lemonwedge, a nursing home doesn't "get" the money. They work very hard taking care of their patients. Some of the kindest and most caring people work with the sick and elderly. They consider it their life's work. They are dedicated professionals with specialized health training. You've apparently read the stories about neglect, etc., but go read some of the ones about nursing homes and assisted living facilities where the caregivers love their patients and are devoted to them. These people need to "get" paid for their service. The facilities need to manage the care of all the patients, run a clean and pleasant place for them to live, feed them, do their laundry, and entertain them. They transport them to appointments and manage their meds. They spend time playing games with them. They feed them when they can't eat on their own. They change their Depends. Nursing homes and ALs don't just "get" mom's money. The work their a$$es off to earn it.
About your mom being in a decent home with people you trust: You don't think you can find that in a professional care setting? My BIL did. He's in a private home in a lovely neighborhood with others who need memory care. It's 24/7 care, and those caregivers love him. They took care of his mom years ago till she died at 99. My uncle had a wonderful time socializing in his care facility. He left most days to go to his home woodshop and make things. A former employee drove him and stayed with him, then they ate lunch there. Uncle lived to 97. Sweet Aunt lived in a retirement facility with continuing care, she moved there with her longtime neighbor and they had the best of times doing things together until the end. Yet you don't think you could find decent people you could trust? You are so wrong.
Guess you'll keep doing what you do; you're headed down that road and it doesn't seem as if you'll open your mind to the good and true things out there that would benefit mom. Drinking the same old Kool Aid that misinformants have poured into your cup doesn't serve you well. I'm sorry to say that. Good luck, and my best to mom.
Who knows? I may soften by my 60s & do a flip (but I doubt it)
I do understand family wanting to leave their hard-earned savings to their offspring. That's the aim isn't it? Leave a bit to the next generation.
The house. I want my kids to have the house. I hear it all.the.time. From many elders. My MIL too. But seriously, no-one's adult brood (+ partners, kids) are going to all move in together & play happy families (unless it's a castle with a wing each).
You are not going to co-habbit with your brother in this house, right? It will be sold & divided up.
Sad? Yes. But I try to think of it like my wise Grandmother did. She had raised her family in her house. When she sold the house she hoped another family would arrive & have a happy life there. Sure she wanted to stay in her home - but she valued independance MORE.
She also knew she could no longer look after a whole house - just as the house could not look after all her needs.
By being in a small apartment instead, she could independantly keep it tidy, independantly walk to the dinning room for meals (rather than hire a garden guy or need help shoping & for meals). She made friends where she was instead of becoming housebound & relying only on family visiting.
Her life as a widow brought challenges & change. Older age brought frailty but she kept adapting.
I hope to be like that.
I strayed from talk of inheritence.. I suppose what I mean is what really matters? The funds, the house, furnishings, crockery etc? Or maintaining choices? Does money matter? Or is it security that matters?
Is 'staying home' the goal?
Or having the peace of that 'home' feeling?
People can leave their hard-earned money and homes to their kids if they make some plans before they are needy and elderly.
Seniors who are still living well and independent not do this though. They dont trust their kids enough to sign real estate over to them or to put bank accounts in their names.
What about adult children who are married?
Where there's marriage there is always potential divorce. So then the senior's house and bank accounts that were taken out of their names become maritial assets to be divided up in a possible divorce.
Then you have the seniors who hold on tight to everything and won't part with a cent even if it's to their benefit because they see it as a kind of insurance policy.
An insurance policy that guarantees their family will keep them out of a "home" when care needs arise.
It never works out that way though. What always ends up happening is they get placed in some nursing home or memory care and all the money and property gets handed over anyway.
It's better to take assets out of your name at a certain point and roll the dice with your family. Most families will do what they can for a person.
At least your mother has funds for care.
My nephew right now is exhausted and mentally drained dealing with his Mom because there is no money to have him get help to care for his mother . The guy is trying to work from home and take care of her at the same time. And he does not know how long his job will allow him to work from home .
I’m assuming you believe you have the option of placing Mom in a facility otherwise you wouldn’t be asking your question. Only you can answer your own question . Only you will know whether it’s worth trying to preserve inheritance by how well you are surviving caregiving .
If you do in fact have POA and have the power to make decisions and Mom has funds , and her house to sell, you have choices and are in a much better situation than many others . If you continue to care for your mother you gain the house . Some people care for a relative and get nothing in return , while it ruins the caregiver’s own health , and own finances .
As far as “ why should the nursing home get it ?” Because your mother’s money would be paying for her care . That’s what retirement money and assets are for . There is no such thing as inheritance until your mother dies .
If you are looking to gain by caring for your mother , then why shouldn’t the nursing home be paid for caring for your mother ? It’s the same thing .
Many try to preserve inheritance and end up placing a parent in a facility anyway . It’s a gamble whether you will be able to stick it out or whether you will be exhausted , possibly ruin your health, have to place Mom and lose the house anyway.
Many caregivers end up dying before the person they are caring for .
Is mom cognizant enough for you to take her to an elder attorney to set up a caregiving contract between the two of you? That way, you're receiving some sort of compensation for the "right now" rather than risk mom outliving her money and then you get nothing? You would have to declare it on your taxes, but at least you would have an employment history during this time, should you need to go back to work after this.
I took care of my mom in my home, and while she didn't pay me for the caregiving, she did compensate me for the money I would have made at my part time job when I had to give that up to stay home with her, once she was unable to be alone. She felt it wasn't fair that her health kept me from working, and she wanted to make it up to me somehow, which was really a very nice thing for her to do. Especially since the work I was doing was more about helping out a friend of ours in his business rather than money needed to keep the roof over our heads. But it was a tangible way of saying my help was valued and appreciated, and it helped me, mentally, get through the times when I did feel very resentful that I was as homebound as my mom because she couldn't be left alone.