I'm new to this group and trying to post in the right place. Someone suggested I start a new thread and that's what I'm doing here. Please let me know if I'm doing it incorrectly. Here's my situation: I’m not exactly caregiver, but my 84-year-old mother lives with my husband and children in the same house and it has been a major strain on our marriage. She is basically healthy other than some chronic pain and difficulty with stairs and she doesn’t have dementia. However, she has become more difficult and negative with age and does not have many friends or any activities outside our family. She is very involved in my children's lives to the point of micromanaging and also very controlling about the management of the household. Our situation is complicated and moving/changing it is not an option right now, but I struggle daily with frustration and feelings of being trapped and patronized by her. I have seen a therapist but it didn’t really help because my mother is extremely sensitive to criticism and won’t accept boundaries. It has really strained my relationship with my husband and put tremendous stress on my life. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you cope? I want to improve things without blowing up the situation. To add details about the complication, we stand to inherit a significant amount from her and she contributes a lot to our mortgage. Moving would uproot and disrupt our teenage kids right now and we don't think it's worth it. It was originally supposed to be a two-way street- we provide her with family and companionship in her later years and help her as needed; she helps with the kids as she can. But it has turned out to be a lot more complicated and harder on me than I ever expected. My husband is a saint who has put up with everything; I am the one having a hard time.
You need to get past the idea on not upsetting your mother. She is counting on that to keep you in line and that is just what she is doing...keeping you in line....in your own home. From her prospective though, she is paying a good share of this home so of course she feels entitled to be in charge. So either you take back control of your home or leave things as they are. You are not going to change things without a fight. The question is, are you ready to stay up for yourself and have that fight.
Right now she is self-sufficient, enough so to be too involved in managing your kids. Please give them permission to tell grandma to back off when she gets too much. This will only get worse when her health declines. She will still be bossing everyone around in addition to you waiting in her hand and foot. Are you ready for that because your current situation will look like a cake walk compared to what is ahead.
No one wants to fight. I certainly don't. Things will not change on their own. I have a friend who's father has lived with her for many years. She copes by hiding in an area of the home her father can't access. Nothing she does meets with his approval. She is finally getting to the stage where she realizes something has to change and dad needs to go to assisted living for her own sanity.
If living together doesn't work for EVERYONE then the arrangements need to change.
The things that I suggested are intended to help you build up your own independence, and keep your nuclear family together. My guess is that you need to do that and get stronger yourself, before you can even think of tackling any suggestions that are ‘harsher’. And being happier yourself will make it easier to cope with the situation's downsides.
You may find it interesting that most of the people making the 'harsh' comments, spent months or years (sometimes over a decade!) before they got to the point of following the suggestions that they are giving you. No wonder they come as a bit of a shock to you, so early in your ‘journey’!
One ‘suggestion’ that is really (really really) worth taking on board now is Alva’s number 1: if you “Continue to accept the financial help and house your mother. I would do this with a solid care contract drawn by elder law attorney which designates her contribution to "shared living costs"; otherwise you owe taxes if it is considered rental and if considered a gift it would have very nasty repercussions if mom ever needed help from governmental Medicaid in future”. “Promises” have a very bad track record of not working out, and as Alva points out, they often don’t work with government rules. It’s worth writing down what you think are the expectations and getting it signed by M, you and your husband, even if you don’t go to an ‘elder law attorney’. Anything in writing will help if things go wrong, it needs to be done while M still has legal capacity, it is a step in getting things onto a more ‘equal’ relationship with M, and if M won’t sign you can see the writing on the wall in very large letters.
You can choose how and when to approach this, as nicely as you like and with whatever justification you can come up with (my idea would be to blame what you have heard about Income Tax), but please take it seriously. Lots of love, Margaret
She needs to stop micromanaging your kids. She needs to get some form of outside activity, like Bingo, Senior Center activities, a hobby, or things to do with other seniors. Mainly, Mom is not Queen of YOUR HOUSE. Doesn't matter if she pays X amount, that is basically RENT for living there, and anywhere else she would be required to pay it. You are also her LANDLORD, so she needs to accept that FACT and back off. She needs boundaries set and can whine all she wants.
If she can't control her bossy ways, she will need to find her own place, say within the next 60 days. You & DH managed to do fine without her money before, and can do it again. The main issue is whatever money from Mom is coming in is at a very high price. She is holding it over your head and knows it!
Ask yourself: When Mom was your age (with teenagers at home) was she caregiving her own elderly parents too? Did she ever?? Many of these elders were enjoying their prime years with their own family, building their own futures, raising their kids and enjoying events and vacations.
Your original "two way street" plans had good intentions. Dr. Phil would say, "How's that working for you?" The feeling if being trapped sucks. You need to get her out before the decline/illness sets in. You already on on the verge of Mom giving you a stroke or heart attack from the stress she smothers you with!
Stay strong and I wish you luck!
POA brother is, and a golden child.
Sometimes people do give bad advice, I sure have, thinking with feeling and not what is really going on.
I'll tell you this though about all of us, we have all been though horrible times, and learned from that, and are trying to help good people learn from are mistakes.
When they moved across the country to be close to me, I found them a senior Independent Living apartment for 3 years. Then Assisted Living for 5 years (dad died after 10 months), and then segued mom into Memory Care Assisted Living for 3 more years till she passed at 95. All my "inheritance" was spent on their care, but my sanity was saved, in spite of a lot of work on my part helping them. My marriage stayed intact too, thankfully.
You're not being judged here, as you seem to think. Yet you're choosing financial help from your mother over peace of mind in your own home. Trust me when I tell you things will NOT get better, only worse. Rigid thinking only gets more rigid with age. The "my way or the highway" mentality she has running YOUR HOME AND YOUR CHILDREN will only worsen. Her feelings will only get more and more "sensitive" until you're saying Good Morning to her in a snarky way she does not appreciate at all. Your children will spend more and more time away from the home or in their rooms in order to avoid grandma. I know, I grew up in a toxic home with moms mom and they did NOT get along at ALL. I was the one who suffered, along with the relationship I was never able to create with my mother, after 65 years.
So, you tell me. How are you supposed to "suck up" all these things mom is doing that bug you, in YOUR home? Talking it out with her is not likely to help; cognitive decline insists SHE is right and YOU are wrong. Definitely give it a try though. Therapy won't help, because mom is STILL there in your home 24/7 and you want her to be gone. Loving her to death won't help, because love won't override the annoying behaviors she is displaying that make you feel like a second class citizen in your own home.
The only thing that will help is getting mom out of your house and into her own place. Doing whatever is required to achieve that end. Giving up whatever monetary reward you enjoy now in exchange for your peace and sanity. Like I did when I divorced my ex husband of 22 years who earned over a half million dollars a year. I was willing to wipe behinds for $8 an hour in exchange for peace and happiness.
Best of luck to you.
the advantage of being 84 and living with us you have no worries.
I would say that if Mom has not had a good physical with labs done, it may be a good idea to have one. Thyroid and low potassium levels can really effect the body. Maybe there is a little depression some meds would help. If she is not going to a pain specialist, maybe she should. Having pain every day would make anyone cranky and miserable. I had back pain and was given steroids to help with it for a week. I thought then, how does anyone put up with this daily because for me the pain went away.
Basically you have made a "deal" and your part of the work is "putting up with it". For that you are getting help with the mortgage, and financial help.
You say your mother will not obey any boundaries, and it sounds basically like she "rules the roost" at your home.
You choices are simple:
1. Continue to accept the financial help and house your mother: I would do this with a solid care contract drawn by elder law attorney which designates her contribution to "shared living costs"; otherwise you owe taxes if it is considered rental and if considered a gift it would have very nasty repercussions if mom ever needed help from governmental Medicaid in future.
Then come up with a contract for private time in which Mom is in her own portion of your home, and family has family time alone.
Tell mom that if she cannot do these simple things you will evict her and allow her to live in senior living of her choice somewhere else.
You and hubby will need to be together and on same footing when you speak with her.
OR her
2. Ask mom to leave. If she refuses begin eviction procedings.
Truly those are your two choices. I cannot find another and apparently nor can YOU find other options.
Do know, your mother will be getting WORSE not better with more physical and mental needs requirements. That is to say this is not headed anywhere good. I am 81. She is 84. She may live another 10 to 15 years. You must decide whether that will be living with you or on her own in care.
Your mom will have to accept those boundaries.
Is your mom aware of the stress she is putting on you? If so does she do anything to correct it even for a short time? If not does she not care what this is doing to you? And the stress on you can't be good for the kids.
Now are there programs that mom can get involved in to keep her occupied during the day?
Senior Center with activities and outing she can go to?
Are there organizations in the area that need Volunteers?
You say that you "stand to inherit a significant amount" ...
Do you know this for a fact?
I can not tell you how many posts I have read over the years where a "promise" of an inheritance never comes to fruition.
If this is a long term arrangement.
If you do not plan on moving anytime soon.
If mom is in good health and can really manage on her own at this time.
Has there been any though of making an "In Law Suite" attached to the house? Or converting a garage or if permitted building an ADU.
I left a 20 year marriage with nothing, everyone is like why aren't you fighting for anything. I will tell you right now I did leave with something, I left with the most precious most important thing to me. I won more than anyone will ever know. I left with my SANITY. Nothing in this world means more to me than my sanity.
As I am taking care of my mom, others in my family are doing what they do to keep the home or whatever, I do what I do, because I care. I will not have a carrot dangled Infront of me to lead the way. And this is making mom and my family very frustrated because they can't control me. They have no power over me. You are giving your mom way to much power, and she knows that she will be endlessly dangling her pocket book in front of you to control every aspect of your life, and your childrens life.
This is just the way I feel.
In a nutshell MOM is the one that is running your household not you. Your children are now teenagers they do not need grandma micromanaging their lives and you should give them both a voice to tell them it is OK to tell grandma when she is becoming overbearing and meddling. This will actually help them become strong adults who can set boundaries with others and not push overs.
"I have seen a therapist but it didn’t really help because my mother is extremely sensitive to criticism and won’t accept boundaries."
Mom uses this sensitivity to criticism and boundary setting as a way to control the household and keep her position of power in your house.
She uses her "feelings" being hurt to as a mechanism to keep things in the status quo and the way she likes things to be. You need to ignore that and continue to set boundaries of not spending ALL your family time 24/7 with her and including her. It is not your fault that mom refuses to get outside interests and hobbies and has made your family her entire world. Yes it will be uncomfortable and awkward BUT guess what ALL change is uncomfortable and awkward at first but slowly over time it gets easier. That will also hold true for mom too (she just doesn't know it yet).
I would insist that mom needs to go to the senior center at least 3 times a week as a condition of this living arrangement continuing.
Mom and you need to go to therapy together. I would also insist on it as a condition for your living arrangement to continue.
"It has really strained my relationship with my husband and put tremendous stress on my life. My husband is a saint who has put up with everything; I am the one having a hard time."
Clearly your husband is not a saint (no one is) and he is having issues dealing with your mother living there and the stress it is causing you and everyone else.
If he is putting up with everything as you state in your post then your marriage would not be strained. I think you need to sit somewhere (alone) and really think about the conflicting statements you have made about your husband so you can see that while he is putting up with this he is (like you) having a hard time with having mom live with you guys.
Which begs the question....is it really worth all the stress and aggravation you and your family are going through?
And with all the stress you seem to be under it could very well be you that dies before your mother from stress related issues, and then what? Will it have been worth it, leaving your husband and children without you, all because you wanted/needed your mothers money?
There is so much wrong with this picture, and I feel sorry for your children, as they are old enough to really see what is going on.
Like already said, I don't think you really want to change your situation at all as you seem to have lots of excuses, but I guess you just needed to vent.
You can vent all you want, but until someone is man or woman enough to make the necessary changes for the sake of their family and mental health, things will remain the same.
I sure hope in the end that your inheritance is worth losing your mental health over.
Please don’t think that people are ‘harsh’. Many people on the forum have experience of situations even more difficult than yours, and really want to shriek ‘don’t’. It’s not a criticism, and quite often posters come back and tell us that the ‘slap in the face’ helped them to make changes they now know were needed.
My own suggestion is not all that major (I can’t send you a magic wand), but I would suggest that you take a class or join a club that would get you out of the house at least one evening a week (even one night a month is better than nothing). Your husband might want to do the same thing on a different night. Finding the right ‘class’ might take a while, but it would give you a new interest and a new social group, totally separate from the problems you are facing (which you don’t talk about to your new friends). With luck it could give you some ‘homework’ which would occupy you during a couple of the weekday evenings.
Your teenage children can bear a little of the burden by being ‘at home’ one weekend night a month while you go out to dinner with your husband. In general our members don’t like to see children being burdened, but part of what you are doing is for the benefit that they share, and they could help. All they need to do is to be there in case of emergency, and to stop M from feeling abandoned. Make it your regular ‘marriage’ night – say that you’ve read somewhere that it’s an important part of keeping marriages together when so many of them are breaking down, and you want to try it. (And you have read about it – here and now!) Nothing to do with getting away from M!
These suggestions aren’t directed at your mother, but at you for putting things in your life that do NOT involve her. When you lie in bed at night before you sleep, think about these separate things that are for your benefit. Don’t re-hash the problems with her.
Give it a go, gently, and it shouldn’t rock the boat too badly. Yours, Margaret
All totally understandable from your point of view. You will stick to the plan no matter what, but you're not happy, and the only thing you can do is adjust to the cage you've all created.
Your mental health is taking the hit. We can't even advise a therapist because you've tried that. Maybe a different therapist would be able to help. But it's still YOU who is going to have to twist your mental state into a shape that can withstand what you CHOOSE to put yourself through. It's a CHOICE.
I'm sorry it hasn't worked out better for you and your family, and I wish you luck. (But do realize that mom could live another 10 years or more.)
And maybe the therapist can help her to understand the need for boundaries .
I’m assuming your mother didn’t take in any of your grandparents while she was raising children or maybe she would understand .
Is she not happy with this living arrangement , or is she unhappy about being old ?
I know you don’t want to blow it up , but your mother is not flexible . I don’t see any changes that will be enough unless Mom is put in her place . This will cause a blow up ..
Your mother is asserting her control .
There needs to be a sit down with Mom. Spell out the conditions that need to be met in order for you all to stay living together . It will be uncomfortable . She will be mad, cry etc ..
But you walking on eggshells around her will not change any other way . Nor should you have to walk on eggshells in your own home . Right now Mom has everyone on edge .
And yes your relationship with your mother has changed , because you are the caregiver .
You keep saying she doesn’t have dementia. She may have the beginnings of it. Personality changes , Negativity , not flexible , defensive , paranoid can be symptoms of it . Some dementias do not start out as memory problems . My mother had vascular dementia , very difficult to deal with her , blew up at the drop of a hat , took everything as criticism , but her memory was good.
My friend had her aunt living with her . She was a very considerate person , she said she didn’t want to be a third wheel in a marriage . She got up late everyday . The only meal they ate together was dinner and some nights she took it to her room . They had game night once a week , and movie night once a week together . Otherwise the woman went to her room after dinner, unless it was football season and there was an important game , then she would watch with them on the big screen . The woman was in her room most of the time during the day as well, came out for food only . My friend had to encourage her to come out of her room . It worked out well.
Sounds like you have the opposite problem . Tell Mom you need more privacy . Also look into adult daycare