Hi all,
Some of you may remember I posted about my Gran being disorientated after a hospital visit and you were all so helpful and kind giving me advice on that. Things are improving slightly on that front however I have another issue I’d appreciate your input on.
My Gran has had this carer, let’s call her Elaine, for about 10 years.
She started just as a cleaner for Gran through an agency but then she left that agency and my Gran arranged for her to come separately (which she pays her cash directly for).
Elaine visits on a Tuesday and Thursday afternoon only.
Over the years the things she did for Gran increased so now she helps her shower, does cleaning, laundry and prepares meals.
In the last 2 years it became obvious Gran needed more care than Elaine could provide (she has other jobs) so now we have professional carers coming in every day twice a day with the exception of Tuesday and Thursday afternoons when Elaine is there.
We have issues with Elaine though when it comes to meal preparation and her care for Gran. She will prepare meals for the whole week when she doesn’t need to. As she thinks the carers won’t cook anything for Gran and will just give her toast etc.
For example if I buy a pack of 8 sausages Gran maybe has 2 a day for a few days. Elaine will cook the whole pack and leave it in a Tupperware.
The care agency say this is unacceptable as they will only cook food from fresh (or maybe leftovers from one day) but other than that they say it is unsafe.
I have repeatedly asked Elaine only to prepare food for Gran for the meal times she covers, but she constantly disregards this and has told my Gran that she will continue to prepare food. Gran is very close to her and will not go against what she says and does not care what the care agency says.
The care agency also say Elaine is not encouraging my Gran to be self reliant. For example if Elaine is on holiday they will cover doing Gran’s shower etc. they will try and get her to wash her self, dress herself but Gran claims she doesn’t know how to do it as Elaine normally does it all for her.
So obviously we have a clash here…the carers complain to me about Elaine, Elaine complains to me about the carers and Gran doesn’t seem interested but I know she would never want Elaine to stop coming and honestly even if we fired her I think she would still continue to come unless we took some legal action or something!! I think she genuinely loves my Gran and thinks what she’s doing is for the best!
The matter is complicated in that English is not Elaine’s first language so sometimes communicating can be challenging.
What would you do in this situation, I have tried so hard to get Elaine to stop interfering but in Gran’s eyes she can do no wrong and sees no problem.
Do I just have to leave it since ultimately it is Gran’s decision to employ Elaine?
But I’m worried the care agency will drop us as a client over this issue, is that something that is possible in a situation like this?
Thanks again,
Jennifer
None of this is earthshaking or life changing unless Elaine is removed. Has Gran not already enough of loss in her life?
Caregivers who are trained encourage independence. But those who aren't, do not. They can BOTH do as they please. Elaine is there, what, two days a week. That isn't a deal breaker.
I would tell the caregivers that they will come and go and Elaine will be there while she can maneuver herself in the door, so she's not going anywhere, and talking to her about this nonsense isn't worth the time and trouble and she's not listening anyway.
Then take the extra sausages and have a picnic for yourself and count yourself lucky that Gran can have such good, loving and concerned care.
I sure wish you well, and am thinking of moving in with Gran, Elaine and the caregivers! I hope you'll update us on how all this goes.
They want Gran to be independent yet they defer to ME about Elaine, IMO if Gran wants her there that’s up to her and they have to accept it. It’s a bit of a power struggle feels like and I’m piggy in the middle! :-)
I will try and frame it as you say, Elaine Is family now!
thank you!
And, frankly, I think many Americans could benefit from cooking more in bulk and finding ways to use the food that doesn't require the expenditure of more electricity or gas to cook from scratch. My mother always cooked extra, freezing some for another time, especially during the summer when cooking was just so hot.
I myself don’t have problems reheating food but the care agency I guess understandably refuse to do this as I assume they think they could be held culpable if Gran got ill.
Elaine in her way is trying to help and I think she thinks if the food is ready prepared the carers will be more likely to use it (we have no concern with the carers, we’re very lucky and they will happily cook, but Elaine is convinced they don’t) what they do is give Gran options based on what is there and she chooses, and sometimes she doesn’t necessarily want the whole foods I have bought but a package of macaroni and cheese :-) whereas Elaine will just make what she thinks Gran should be eating and doesn’t offer much choice.
Elaine is always trying to encourage Gran to eat bigger meals, which is very caring. But due to her age and activity level Gran does have a small appetite so I say let her have whatever she fancies! As long as she’s eating something.
It’s a constant battle! I am the one that buys her food shopping so I guess that’s why I get the brunt of the disagreements :-)
that's a seriously dedicated caregiver, who even if she would get fired, would turn up at the doorstep and STILL want to care for Gran.
dear OP, i don't know the solution. unfortunately, when there's a TEAM of caregivers, there will often be disagreements, with 1 person talking badly about another person.
it sounds like Elaine is a genuinely caring person - even though there are disagreements about what she does. only you OP know all the facts. follow your gut. i have the feeling, you should keep Elaine no matter what.
as for the disagreements, it would be great if there's some solution, so you can be less stressed.
*edit: but also be careful OP. some caregivers are seemingly "caring", when they're actually plotting behind your back, how to get things from Gran (for example, hoping maybe Gran will give them the house, or other assets). my comment is not directed at Elaine: i'm just warning you in general, OP.
Elaine was Gran’s solo caregiver for so many years I think she feels protective and responsible for her. She has done so much for her over the years.
That being said, I do wish she would respect our wishes as we do pay her for her services.
But it’s a small issue really, hopefully I can get the care agency to understand why she’s doing what she does and that if it doesn’t worry Gran then they don’t need to worry. yes food gets wasted which is not ideal but I think it’s more important that Gran keeps Elaine in her life.
thank you for your perspective!
I remember my grandma cooking for us when we would visit. Huge amounts of food. Copious, almost obscene amounts of food. More food that we could eat at one sitting. It was not unusual for a Sunday dinner to consist of some sort of beef roast, several roast chickens, and oh, say 7-8 side dishes. Especially when we went to my grandparent's summer home, where grandma had 2 stoves upon which to cook!
I asked my mom once why? Why so much food? Mom said "It's grandma's visible expression of love. She's not a hugger, she's not all warm and fuzzy with her family, but by golly, she will cook for us to show her love".
Could this possibly apply to your grandma's Elaine? Cooking all of this food, encouraging grandma to eat more, that sounds a lot like my grandmother. I mean, it sounds like Elaine really loves your grandma and wants to do whatever she can to help. If she was doing something dangerous, I could see the other agencies concerns, but really? Cooking "too much"? Besides which, if the agency is hell bent on cooking because they think day-old food is a health hazard, why should they care if there's already food cooked in the fridge? That doesn't make their job any more complicated, does it?
What about asking Elaine to maybe freeze the leftovers that she makes?
Really, I don't get the other agency. Any cooked food older than 24 hours isn't safe? I shudder to think what they would say if they looked in MY fridge. Do you know what MY favorite meal is? Leftovers!
I would say maybe instead of trying to re-train Elaine, maybe tell the care agency that with modern refrigeration, most foods can be safely stored in the fridge for several days. Or else pack up some of the cooked food and bring it to YOUR house to enjoy.
Also- suspicious mind I sometimes have - could the agency be looking to force your hand to let Elaine "go", thereby having to either hire more caregivers (from the agency) or give the caregivers already hired more hours? Because this issue seems so very small in the greater scheme of things to get so worked up about that they bring it to your attention...
She does freeze some also but they also refuse to cook that due to “regulation” I think we love a bit too much bureaucracy here in the UK!!
To be fair to Elaine, I even bought labels so she could mark up what she made and when, so they could see that and she has been doing that. But still I get complaints from the agency.
They say they are there for an hour in the evening so have plenty of time to cook. I mean they could just use Elaine’s food and then spend more time chatting with Gran or other jobs in the house.
They always seem to spring these complaints on me too when I happen to be at Gran’s at the same time as them so it’s difficult to talk about it, as they often talk as if Gran is deaf (she isn’t) or is not even there which I don’t like. It would be better if they just called or emailed me to discuss it properly.
I just feel caught in the middle of an “I know best!” struggle. To be fair I have come across similar things in my own jobs, people always think their way is best!
Then, you have Elaine who disregards all of it. Two completely different opinions re: food preparation.
I think you should talk to Gran about meals being prepared only for day or two, maybe wasting food would appeal to her, or suggesting other activities with Elaine, maybe baking cookies, bread? Perhaps Elaine can take Gran outside, walk, shopping if possible and little bit of encouragement of more independence is not bad thing either.
If they can not show proof of the regulation and say it is a Health Department regulation ask for the communication from the Health Department.
You could also call the Health Department and ask if there is such a regulation.
I can understand it in a Facility or Group Home but not a private residence.
Once you have the documentation (if it does indeed exist) you can show Elaine and explain to her that what she has been doing is a problem and she needs to either
1) Stop preparing meals and excess food in advance
or
2) She will have to come and work full time for Gran, this means giving up her other jobs. And possibly she may have to take a CNA course so that she is more prepared to care for Gran as time goes on.
or
3) She will have to stop working for Gran because you need more hours and experience than she can give.