I wrote this post about a year ago, about several times when I lost my temper with my folks. I've been thinking about what I did, and wondering if it is elder abuse, and if I should report myself? These incidents were about 8-ish years ago, or thereabouts. I'll shorten my question a bit:
I have been the caregiver for my elderly folks -- the one who has looked out for them through some really difficult circumstances. All in all, I've been glad to help and "be there." But in the midst of some serious troubles and stressful times, these experiences happened, and they cause me so much guilt and remorse:
1) I was caring for my mom (who was in the hospital and needed me to come pick her up) and my dad (who was at home, with dementia). I had to get Dad ready to go with me to pick Mom up from the hospital (and bring them back, so I could go to work), and Dad was having a very argumentative and angry morning, and wouldn't move (to get dressed). He was standing and refusing to budge, and in exasperation, I said, "Come on, Dad", and slapped him in the side so that he would move and get dressed. I didn't hurt him, but surprised him and it was upsetting to him. I am also thinking of a time or two when he was walking slowly on his walker to the bathroom, and I was afraid he wouldn't make it, so I pushed him on a bit.
2) Again, years ago, while arguing with my mom (who is alert and no dementia) about a dreadful financial situation I felt she was enabling, we got into a terrible argument, and I slapped her (thankfully not hurting her). I didn't recall this until I was reading through an old journal, and, again, it has compounded my guilt.
I was able to apologize to my father (who has since passed), and to my mother, and she and I have a very close and sweet relationship. But my guilt is great and remains. I have read that "elder abuse" is very all-encompassing, and that even the things I described may be in that arena. And I wonder if folks think these warrant my reporting my actions?
No, do not report yourself. IMO doing it once is a reaction. Doing it regularly is abuse. I'm saying this as an Italian-American where (in my family) slapping was a culturally acceptable form of communication and discipline. I did not practice it with my own children, thankfully. That doesn't mean I didn't (sometimes) daydream about doing it.
Once, when I was home on a weekend from college my emotionally clueless and aggressive Mom would not get out of my face when I was having a really difficult emotional time with something. She was rampaging over my boundaries and I couldn't get her to back off. Without thinking I slapped her across her face. She was stunned. I was stunned. I never did that to her (or anyone) again. Was this abuse? No. Sometimes when we are emotionally burnt out we do things that are uncharacteristic of ourselves. It doesn't justify it. It does explain it.
Epilogue: she never got into my face like that again.
You need help letting go of the guilt. It is appropriate to have grief, but not ongoing guilt.
I respectfully suggest you see a therapist to give you wisdom and perspective. May you gain clarity and peace in your heart that you did the best you could in the circumstances.
I wouldn’t report it now because what would be the point?
If you feel the urge to do it again, you will need to make alternate arrangements for your mother.
Don't beat yourself up about it. Bring in hired help. Set boundaries with your mother that you wont allow to be crossed. If you feel that the situation is escalating to the point where you're going to get physical with the elder, you do the same thing that you'd do with a child to prevent it getting physical.
You take a step back. You secure the screaming child in the playpen or crib and you walk away. Let them scream for a while. You step outside for a minute. When the elder is escalating it, you step out. If they are at a point in their dementia where they can't be left alone in a room for a little while, they belong in a memory care facility. Or lock them in their room for a while.
If they don't have dementia and are escalating a situation by instigating, get in your car and drive away. Bye-bye. Let them miss their doctor's appointment or whatever else you're there to do for them if this prevents you getting physical with them.
I did in-home caregiving for 25 years and lived in the misery of doing it for an abusive, needy parent. The only time I ever got physical was in self-defense. No one puts their hands on me dementia or mental illness. My safety was always the number one priority above all else on the job. Even before the care client's needs.
Everyone has a breaking point. There's no need to report on someone like you. The same people who would report on you for elder abuse should offer to give you a hand instead. They never do though.
These same people who consider it abuse if you look at a nasty, vicious, stubborn, instigating, bullying elder the wrong way, are people who never actually had to do any real caregiving. They study caregiving theory. You know experts. They aren't on the job hour after miserable hour, day after miserable day. They don't live in it either like so many caregivers do. So they can be self-righteous and judgmental of those of us who are there.
Do yourself a favor. Throw away those old journals. Don't look back, look forward.
Let me ask you something. Were you the only one showing up to take care of your parents? If you were that counts for a lot. Don't guilt yourself for being human and not perfect. None of us are. A person like you would probably benefit from talking to a therapist. They'll help you get past the feelings of guilt.
Ha! Yep, so true.
My best friend is an RN and even she would yell at her mother on occasion.
Impatient isn't a crime. I had an elderly care client who supposedly had dementia (never diagnosed) many years ago who was a biter. I got to her house and her diaper had a full load on board. She always fought with everyone even her family when she had to be cleaned up.
I had to get the work done. One day I was in the process of getting her up, and she bit me. Hard. So I slapped her. Not in the face, in the upper arm. Not hard enough to actually injure her, but hard enough that the parts of her brain still working sent her the message that I was not a person to be trifled with. Never had much trouble with her after that.
After that, she'd act up a little from time to time and give me a bit of trouble when it was time to get changed and washed up. Nothing near how she used to.
People worry so much about protecting "their" dignity. What about the caregiver's dignity? Your dignity.
Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver and that is ok. And if you're not it's best to admit it and let someone else take over, so as not to push you to your limit where you explode and do things you later regret.
Every single one of us that have cared for or are caring for a loved one have at some point lost our tempers(if we're honest)and have yelled at our loved one, but I would venture to guess that very few if any have actually laid their hands on their loved one in a negative manner, and that of course should be concerning to you, as you obviously have a anger issue that perhaps hasn't been addressed yet and this is where a good therapist could help you unpack all that.
My advice to you would be to just make sure that you are never again put in a position to have to do hands on care for anyone, until you have addressed your underlying anger issues.
As Geaton says, I appreciate your coming back with an update. We love to hear them.
Slapping, hitting, pushing is, yes, abusive. And I think that if you go back in your mind you will know that you had a physical feeling of being enraged and out of control that was inappropriate to the situation. The "situation" being the usual FRUSTRATION that occurs when someone has dementia and a caregiver is completely overwhelmed.
You were overwhelmed.
You reacted. It shocked both them and you.
BUT that was all 8 years ago. EIGHT! Please toss the journals as was already advised. Pain relived is pain multiplied and heaven knows your caregiving provides you plenty of pain.
If you feel a need to "confess" go on down to the nearest Catholic Church--ANY church and talk with clergy. Talk to a good friend. I am an atheist, but I would speak to any pastor/priest any time I felt I needed counsel. They have dedicated their entire lives to the hope for the greater good of mankind.
But no, no, no and no--do not open a kettle of fish that is long past prime by telling this story to any authority. They are MANDATED to investigate even when they themselves believe something doesn't merit it. It could end a stinking mess before you know it.
This was 8 years ago. You recognize you were out of control. You have found ways to address your frustration. You are upset that it happened. Welcome to the world of imperfect human beings trying to do better.
If it makes you feel better, I can give you my mom's answer to disciplining her kids:
"OK. See to it that it doesn't happen again".
There now. Do you feel better?
Take care. My congrats on going inward and taking care of things.
Now it’s time to let it go and live on a higher plane. If you aren’t easily able to shove the old guilt away mentally, try putting a rubber band around your wrist and giving it a little snap whenever that bad feeling arises. It’s just a small physical reinforcement that you’ve already dealt with this issue countless times and it’s a waste of energy to do it again.