My mom is 82 and lives next door. I'm her person, her caregiver (when needed, she's still very independent) and her go-to for any kind of question. She can do crossword puzzles and win trivia games, but her common sense IQ is horrible.
The thing is, her house is almost falling down around her. It's bad enough that when she dies, my sister and I plan to tear it down, because it was cheaply constructed and she's never touched it since my father died 35 years ago. She has trouble walking, but won't admit it, so every time she goes out, she's a fall risk (broke her leg last year doing something completely unnecessary). I have to nearly fight with her in order to take her arm because she doesn't want to be seen as "old." But she can't walk for more than a few steps without losing her breath. Her balance is awful and she won't do PT.
She is both very vain and very disheveled. She puts on makeup every day, but her pants are falling off her and she won't pull them up. Her nose runs all the time, and I have to hand her a tissue to wipe it. She says, "I know! I carry tissues everywhere I go!" But she doesn't use them. She looks homeless at times. My sister and I buy her better fitting clothes, but she won't wear them. She views us tugging up her pants (which are LITERALLY falling off) as criticism. Same with saying, "Mom, your shirt has food on it."
I know she's depressed but she views people who take antidepressants (including me) as weak. She won't see a therapist and lies to her physician about everything: activity, food, alcohol. She won't let me come with her to these appointments.
She's often really mean to her friends (and my sister and me). At a dinner party the other night hosted by my husband and me so she could get together with her old pals, she told three of her best friends that she used to be so bored with them when they went away for the weekend together. When I gently said the next day that I thought that had been kind of rude, she denied it and said it was funny. No one else thought so.
The other night, I came home to find her in my dark house, her car in my driveway, running. It was dark. I went inside, and she was standing in my dark kitchen. This is exactly how she fell last year...leaving my house when I wasn't there. I asked why she was there and if everything was okay. She said she wanted to turn lights on for me. I told her that wasn't necessary; that when I hit the button to open the garage door, the lights come on automatically. Then she said she was worried about my dog. I had talked to her 30 minutes before to tell her I was coming home and the dog would be fine until I got there.
I reminded her this was how she broke her leg last year, which required bedrest and a cast for MONTHS. She got irritated with me. I told her again the next day she CANNOT come over in the dark, that it's dangerous, and I didn't need her to do those things for me (as I had told her on the phone).
I know she's probably starting with dementia. The problem is, it's not diagnosed. She's very stubborn and has always lacked common sense, but now it's worse, and more risky. She shouldn't be driving, but again, I have no power to take her keys away. When I bring things up, she tells me, "Oh, so-and-so is much worse" as an excuse.
So I'm in this limbo of needing to care for a person who doesn't want the care. Sometimes, I wish she would die before it gets worse. Her life is very small. She's lonely for my dad and her youngest sister, who died last year. Sometimes I wish she'd end up in a care facility so she could be safer and surrounded by more people (I work and travel a lot for work). It's just this endless loop right now, and I know it will get worse.
Thanks for listening, folks.
My mother was never “diagnosed”. We had no idea that what was wrong with her was dementia.
Clothes were falling off.
House was filthy.
A whole bunch of other symptoms, and she would try and explain them away. The answers didn’t make sense.
Someone here explained that maybe she was just playing old tapes in her head, and would just choose an answer, thinking that it would be a good explanation for her strange behavior.
It took a fall for her to admit defeat.
That’s maybe what it will take for you to get her help.
It’s all sooo frustrating.
We hear you.
And if she's legally competent (low bar), then she is making the decisions regarding her own care. YOU don't have to provide care for her.
It's possible she suspects something is wrong with her so assuring her it coud be other, treatable issues may get her to go to the doc voluntarily. If so, ask for the HIPAA Medical Representative form and have her put you on it (and she signs it, rerturns it to the check-in person). This will allow her doctor to share private details about her medical issues and for her doctor to act on information you give her/him.
"Her life is very small." Yes, that's a perfect description. Small and getting smaller. You will need to decide how much (if any) involvement you wish to have. May you receive peace in your heart on this journey.
I think a lot of the problem here is your close proximity to your Mom. It's getting all kind of woven into one messy scene. You are both so involved with one another that you can't function on your own anymore.
I think you are absolutely correct that if Mom doesn't have already some dementia, it is on the way. And eventually it will have to be addressed for the sake of safety and hygiene. And the best place to do that likely isn't in a rambling, unsafe home that may be getting increasingly cluttered.
I am so sorry. You are so close and there are likely few waking moments you don't imagine the disaster of some injury.
Sad truth told, that can be the best place to address this.
A hospitalization may be, if you are POA, the opportunity to speak with MDs about assessment. And if you are to have any life at all your mom may need placement in a safer place. A Board and Care where she can have a small group she feels safe and comfortable with may be ideal, and keep her occupied. However, I don't even know how many of those often family run facilities survive today.
I am so sorry. Your vent painted such a clear and concise picture that I could honestly picture it all, and your Mom's antics had me giggle out loud at least once. NOT FUNNY when you live right next door to it, I do know. This is going to come to a head, and I think that is your concern every waking moment.
My mother, 87, is still driving very well, still able to make decisions for herself, but I'm seeing decline, her not eating as much and losing weight, she's not as sharp as she used to be. She does cross-word puzzles, plays mahjong, reads music to play hand bells, very socially active, which is all good, however, she does drink a few glasses of wine a day.... so there is that. She wants to find a man to have in her life, since her husband died, but the men her age aren't enough to keep up with her. She met a 63 yr. old on line in a different state that she texts. She used to talk about running off to Vegas and meeting him, but I told her that isn't at all safe and that she can't do that. I loaded Life360 on her phone so I am always aware of her location. She uninstalled it, claiming it was draining her cell phone battery... which can't be true, since she has a brand new phone! I reinstalled it and told her I need her to keep it on her phone so if something happens to me, she could tell someone where I was. (I throw myself under the bus!) She finally told me yesterday, that she is never going to meet this young man and that they are just friends. Trust me... I physically worried myself sick over that one.
I'm finding ways to communicate with her that doesn't put her on the defense. I find it's best not to try to tell her what she can or can't do. I present to her with "options" for her to consider, while she still has brain cells to consider them. She can get argumentative with me so I try to avoid that because it does no good.
I'm stopping by her place, on my way home from going into the office, a couple of days a week to ask her to walk with me around the block. I tell her I need it, that it is helping me, but she really needs it more. She can barely make it around the block without having to stop to catch her breath or telling me her hips hurt. I encourage her to keep going when she wants to turn around and go back. I tell her how proud I am of her when she makes the whole block. She doesn't need a walker and she does stairs in her house daily, but she struggles to walk to places.
In the end... when will I know that it is time to take over for her? Right now she needs to make her own mistakes to find out what she can and can't do. I want her to come to those conclusions on her own. I told her if she wants my assistance with anything, I am there for her. I think she is afraid to ask for fear it will be seen as a sign she can't do it on her own anymore. I pray I will never be like this as I get older or that I will listen to others if they tell me I need assistance.
Ask Primary Doctor to order an MRI brain scan for diagnosis.
So that is most likely a sensible next step.
Get her to a doctor or a walk in clinic or get someone in to see her at home.
”You’ll lose your Medicare benefit” sometimes works as a tool to getting her seen.
It does sound from our description, as though she may have beginning stage dementia, and you need to know too.
The house, is it bad enough to be condemned? If so, have office of Aging or APS to come in and evaluate. If they say she can't live there, good time to get her placed.
Getting PoA is a pretty heavy burden in our state. She's not there yet. That's the problem. If I could take over for her, I would. It would make her safer and reduce my stress. But she's able to pass every test so far (or so she tells me). I wrote to her last doctor expressing my concerns. She left that practice because of it.
If she objects to being shut out of your house, level with her. Tell her it's not safe for her to be there and that it's not safe for her to live alone next door.
Because it isn't.
Good luck. It's time to make serious decisions before she hurts herself or someone else. And certainly don't take her into your home to live. That's a whole other recipe for disaster.
it sounds like you'll need outside intervention because she won't do anything you suggest. We hired someone to evaluate my Dad and step mom. Having an expert tell them they were no longer safe a home went a long way. Her generation tend to believe experts - esp. men - vs. their kids.
Good luck. It's a tough road.
I understand she is uncooperative but it would be good to find a way to get her to her doctor to start the process of evaluating her cognitive abilities. This is the time of her life for you to start using "therapeutic fibs" to get her to do things that she does not want to do. My mom always says no (it's the dementia talking) so I don't ask questions. I am kindly assertive and tell her what we're doing. She can still say no but it's not always the first thing out of her mouth, as when asked a yes or no question.
The things that she does that are unsafe, it would be good to find solutions before something bad happens to your mom. Even though she is not diagnosed with dementia, she is acting as though she has it so you need to change the way you treat her, talk to her and your expectations of her. Do some reading on dementia. Their brains are broken so they often can not understand the simplest of concepts no matter how well we explain them.
Good luck.
Her paperwork and will are in order (and boy, that was a battle for the ages). I own her house and have access to her funds. It's her day-to-day stuff that's so hard to deal with.
1. Why does your mother have the key or code tou your house?
2. Have you read "Never Simple" by Liz Scheier?
3. Has your mother always presented with mental illness?
Or you could call APS, for a vulnerable elder .