My Father has always been a misogynistic controlling Narcissist. He has bipolar, COPD and osteoarthritis. Yesterday I came home from a 10 hour shift (I work part-time) and on arrival, saw dad sitting outside the house, drinking beer. He is an alcoholic in denial. He keeps on saying things like, "Your thinking is wrong" and called me a "Bitch."
I push his sorry a** in a wheelchair and care for him, but when I am disrespected and verbally abused enough is enough.
I had to walk away and put my needs first. He did not even wash his own cups, plates, nothing. Just sitting drinking and swearing.
"I am sick and tired of waiting on him hand and foot....I need to set boundaries and ultimatums as I am drained and he gets more energetic. I am not his Mother or minion or slave to no one"
Have you decided to change anything in the past nearly two months?
You write that you are a slave to no one, yet you appear to be your father's caregiving slave. Have you set any boundaries? Given ultimatums? Followed through with ultimatums?
Why do live with him and why are you his caregiving slave? It's obviously not working out for you.
Your last line to us was that you "had to walk away".
I would try to change your way of thinking and I would start with the wording. You CHOSE to walk away. And rightly so. Congratulations and kudos for studying up on your Dad and understanding you cannot help here, you must sever the ties he created and fly from the nest, getting your own home and your own life. I would suggest also that you consider getting therapy with a GOOD therapist, one that shakes you up and out of habitual ways of acting and thinking. In this way you prevent your own tendencies to carry forward this legacy in your own life.
Let your Dad be cared for by the state. With an underlying bipolar condition there will be little you (or they with their huge resources) will be able to do.
Lastly-- and I recommend this book often enough that I should get a cut on copies sold-- get a copy of the memoir by Liz Scheier called Never Simple. It is about her decades long struggle to care for her mentally ill mom, along with the help of the city and state of New York, all to no avail.
I am sorry for the abuse. At this point you can only use it for one thing--learning. Find people who value your love and attention and make a good life for yourself and know I wish you the best.
Then came home & were treated poorly. That sucks.
It's OK to vent.
It's OK to feel angry.
It's even better to use this anger energy to think about your life. WHY you have choosen to be caregiver for your Father & WHY you live together.
Do you want to change these things.
If he started up with the berating and called me the 'B' word I would have left him outside in his wheelchair for the night.
I'm going to level with you here. If you live in his house move out. You will probably have to get a full-time job though. If he lives in your house evict him. If he has a documented case of bi-polar call an ambulance and tell them that he's making threats and he needs a psych evluation. Then refuse to allow him back into your home. Call the ambulance and tell them this anyway even if his bi-polar is not documented.
He's disabled and the hospital will find placement for him in a nursing home.
Either way you do not have to take care of him anymore or even see him if you don't want to.
What started out as a good thought for you to perhaps save some money by moving in with him has now turned into a nightmare.
So now it's time to cut your losses and MOVE OUT! Surely you understand by now that this is no way to live and that you deserve better right? Gosh I hope you do.
NO ONE ever should tolerate any type of abuse from anyone. Period.
I wish you the best in standing up for yourself and finding a new place to live your life in peace.
After working all day, tell him ur in no mood for his s _ _t. If you are going to stay in his home, you have to set boundries for you. Me, I would not live with an alcoholic. Gray rock him. Learn to tune him out. Do what you need to do and no more. My Mom waited on my Dad hand and foot. I would have never done that. I don't do that with my own husband. As I told my MIL when she asked me why I was not getting him a platter at a picnic we were at "He is a Big boy".
Why do you keep going back to him? What do you truly want from him? He will not change or apologize.
He may, but most likely will not, change but you need to change for your own good. Living with someone who is abusive is very stressful on you. What are you going to do differently? Remember - you can't change someone else - only yourself.
When you say you walked away do you mean just one time temporarily or are you ready to make other living arrangement for yourself? Your dad needs help but that help does not have to be you. Are you are dependent on him for a roof over your head? if so maybe it is time to make other living arrangements for you and other caregiving arrangements for your dad.
It is important to set boundaries to protect yourself from his abusive behaviour. There is a book by Cloud and Townsend on Boundaries which explains very well how to set them. Many of us have had to put firm limits on what we will accept from mentally unhealthy family members. They didn't change, but we did by taking steps on our own behalf. You can do it too. It isn't easy but it is possible. You are worth it!
He subjected me to coercive control when he was able bodied, but now he lies in bed 24/7 waiting to be waited on hand and foot. He shows contempt for me expecting to empty his urine bottles, whilst lying in bed, and throwing rubbish on the floor.
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