Am I wrong for wanting nothing more to do with my mom?

Thank you Margie. This is a great start for the day to read of your support. I only told a couple of people about doing the donation instead of a mother's day gift. Only somebody going through a situation like myself would understand.
You have a wonderful new year and once again Thank you so much.

Capemaywatch - that is a great idea, donating to a charity in lieu of throwing money at someone who doesn't care about you. Ever since I brought my aunt to live with me, my mother has been complaining to anyone who would listen about how I'm living "like a queen" off my aunt's money. Which is something my mother would gladly have done, if she could have figured out how to do it without actually having to take care of her own sister. (My dad actually mused to me once that "there ought to be a way that you could just drop somebody off at a nursing home & leave'em -- but keep their money. I mean, if the nursing home takes care of them, they don't need any money, right?") Mom spent 3 years trying to figure out ways to get me to give her money so she could go gamble - after she and dad had gambled away their house in the country, 10 acres, and what little self respect they had. The 2nd to the last conversation I had with mom, she accused me of giving away a valuable skirt she'd had handmade for her 60 years ago.(A skirt I never had heard of before that day!) It cost $300 & she wanted to be reimbursed. The last conversation I had with her, she 'remembered' that the valuable skirt had increased in value and was now worth $1000. I said, "Mom, I'm not giving you $300, $1000, or a nickel for a skirt you just made up." She began screaming at me, and I just hung up. That was the last "conversation" we ever had, she died 2 weeks later. Do I miss her? No. Do I regret what I said to her? No, because I was honest. I wasn't mean, I told it squarely when she attacked me. I hope her a better eternity than the life she had on earth, for that was truly a hell for her and for everyone around her. Have a good new year, and be good to yourself. Peace, margie

So glad that I logged on to read others going through same thing as myself. We are survivors and need the support. To Eddie, I totally understand you taking the gift and leaving. My mother has been bad for as long as I can remember and the past five years it has gotten intolerable. One mothers day after I had driven 12 hours to visit her and she started the abuse, I didn't give her anything before the return trip home, and went to the nearest animal shelter and gave them a check for $200.00 which made me feel great. I give to animal charities all and doing so in lieu of my mothers mother's day gift made me feel even better.
This Christmas I didn't even call her or send a card and her birthday is also on Christmas. So, after all her years of complaining, she actually does have something to complain about this year. And I didn't feel guilt at all, because I am at the point of not caring anymore after 60 years of her abuse. 60 years!!! As far back as I can remember in my life.

Ballnchain - we could be sisters (except siblings don't speak in my family!). I made my peace with my mother's lack of maternal feelings and behavior years ago, and got as far from her as I could. Currently I care for my 95 year old aunt, who has always been my 'real' mother, and I do it gladly. My mother died Saturday and the only sadness I feel was for a life spent in anger, hatred, and revenge and love wasted. Take care of yourself and have a better life than your mother would want you to have.

Society puts to much emphasis on moral obligation. Taking care of an elderly parent is a loving choice and not to be dictated by social do-gooders. Parent/child relationships are a gift and if abused by either, you lose the love. If you don't want to be responsible for your abusive mother, than don't. Who cares what other people may say, they are ignorant and opinionated, not worth considering.

You need to try to find joy at any time in your life. I too was emotionally abused and used by my mother who black mailed me for visitation with my father when I was five. She had an affair with a man who my father hired to dig a pond on our farm, locking me and the foster kids she had live with us (for money) outside all day when my father was at work so she could sleep with this man. We would crawl up on the front porch of our house asking if we could come in for a drink or use the toilet to see them engaged in sex on the kitchen floor. I was five. This isn't close to the worst. I spent years in therapy along with two failed marriages trying to feel joy or some sense of belonging or meaning. The older I get the worse my feelings get. I go back and forth but no matter how much I try to forgive her she turns around and proves to me just why I should keep it to a christmas/birthday card each year. I sleep much better.

To ballnchain, pt34, and all others, you are seeing you are not alone in this! There is a huge world of support networking out there and you are doing the first small step in this forum – getting it out, venting, and taking a stand! I have an emotionally abusive (passive/aggressive) father who tried his best to take care of my mother who had a stroke in the home for 5 years and took it out on all the children. Only he alone could take good care of mom and his quality of care almost cost her life. We still endure an awful lot of emotions and torment. I was the one to leave the state and remove myself from the situation 30 years ago so I didn’t put up with much of his BS. Not being there physically has helped tremendously. There are 2 of us kids that help and 2 that do not. And my story becomes more of a miracle because the 2 that have bonded in the help for mom were bitter lifelong rivals (the enemy of your enemy becomes your friend) What my sister and I are learning is to separate the duties if you can. As I’m not there to be a doormat, I’ve become the voice of reason and the business deal maker. Yes, it still has emotions but I am able to handle the hard choices such as to research and place my mother in a NH better and live with those choices without the drama of the moment. My sister picks up the healthcare end of checking on the home, and conversing with the nurses. Our family armchair quarterback and nit picker don’t have any place in our world and have alienated themselves further and further by poor comunication. Don’t take any abuse from them as they are just poorly chosen words…. It is not real if it isn’t written down. Choices!! You can deal with it out of state – it is wonderful how much you can do but it takes getting the right paperwork done first (POA) and then finding the right progressive individuals, doctors, lawyers, bankers, insurance, etc who are not bothered by technology such as faxes, web conferencing and teleconferences. We all are trying our very best as caregivers to do the right thing. Keep on keeping on to all of you in the same shoes!

Excellent advice. My mom usually hugs my husband and kids goodbye and not me when we leave her house after a visit. It used to feel like a dagger going through my stomach and needles and pins sticking inside. My thing is she has made it to 83 and at the rate I was going I no way would make it that far from the stress let alone being married 29 years.Stay strong and I agree all the way.

I am going through the same thing with my mother. But I've just made the biggest mistake of my life and in a moment of weakness agreed to take care of her, give up my job, my house, and have walked into hell. Today I overheard my mother pulling me to pieces to my sister, normally I would ignore it and try not to let it worry me, but today I'd had enough. I thought I would be straight up with her and tell her that her behaviour was not acceptable, and that I'd given up my life for her blar blardy blar, well that didn't work, she bursts into tears, my husband comes in holds her hand while she tells him I have such a nasty tongue on me, he looks at me and says yes you can be a bit harsh with what you say. I looked at them both and backed out of the room. I sat down and thought to myself why on earth am I here, why am I doing this...my life is miserable when I'm around my mother, and I'm her full time carer...what the hell was I thinking? She is 83 yrs old and there is nothing wrong with her brain, I thought bugger this Im out of here, then the damn guilt kicks in. All through my life I have had months and years when I have not had anything to do with my mother, and I was happy. BUT..it was always in the back of mind that nagging guilt and would I regret things when she died. I've made a promise to myself that I will do my best, and when she does pass, I will noway have any regrets that I didn't try to get on with her. She will never change I don't think they ever do it seems to get worse. Right now I am totally miffed with her and my husband, but hey I'm getting to watch the tv on my own, so maybe all is not so bad. Your mother like mine are control freaks, and attention seekers, the things they do know wind us up, and we buy into it. I'm trying something new tonight and I just don't give a toss, she needs me not the other way around, so like you would with a child, leave them to it, and when they behave just be normal, even tho you'd like to give them a piece of your mind...it doesn't work.

No one should take abuse from anyone. I have done what treading water said and it works. I set limits and if my mom goes outside the limit I tell her so. I tell her that I am ending the conversation because she is getting abusive. I tell her that I will talk to her when she can get herself under control. My sister and brother are very supportive in helping with our mom, my younger brother is a freeloader, but that doesn't matter. The rest of us have learned how to control her behavior and we don't believe she has a right to be abusive to anyone. When she is in control we have pleasant conversations, when she gets out of control we tell her. Adults should act like adults and if they don't then they should be treated like children. You would not allow your children to abuse you, so why would you allow your mother to abuse you. You do not have to allow that. It is nice to have your parent in your life to the extent that it is healthy. But if it is not and you need time to learn how to help your mother treat you properly, then take time. Take as long as you need until you feel that you can be around her without feeling guilty, or abused.
My mother is approaching 86, and sometimes she just has to get her jabs in. I realize that it is her problem not mine, and I tell her that we will continue the conversation at another time when she can control herself.

I can be sort of wordy and I apologize if my post is too long. Doing things like this is genuinely therapeutic for me – thank you for “listening” and for providing all your wisdom shared.
ballnchain - it saddens me to say that I relate to your struggle to provide care for an emotionally abusive mom. I don’t know about you but if I had better faith in my power to choose, and were clueless about the potential repercussions, I would just walk away. I simply will not abandon my Dad.
My mom has been ill for my entire life. Some of it real; some fabricated; some physical; some (unofficially) mental. She has been throwing things and screaming at me forever. Biting sarcasm, insults, withdrawal and other forms of manipulation provided me with much confusion as a child. I defended her; I compared her to other moms; she came up short; I still defended her. Her childhood was ugly - movie of the week kind of ugly. I believe that I have been very patient and understanding of her difficulties and how it can all show on the surface.
Now she is 68yo and officially dying. Mid April she was given a prognosis of 6 weeks. It is now October and I feel horrible that I am tired on every level and I want for it to just be over. My Dad is a 74yo walking angel. He is also my very favorite person and I worry about the toll that this is taking on him. It shows in his face that he is very tired. He shows signs of depression. His unrelenting sunny disposition is tainted with negativity & sarcasm. For 50 years he has been accommodating her, waiting on her, tolerating her childish out bursts and, sadly, ultimately enabling her to be the “Supreme Princess” that she has become.
Mom has a sweet, magnetic side and it has always demanded unspoken forgiving and forgetting whenever she has been a royal bitch. Any level of spoken resolve after one of her episodes would require that she take responsibility for her actions. Unfortunately, responsibility is something she never takes. And sadly we see less and less of her sweetness.
Last spring I cared for my uncle as he finished writing his personal chapter. He was grouchy, miserable, demanding, lacking any form of grace or gratitude. That was more pleasant than caring for my Mom. At least I could tease him, reminding him that the only thing between him and a nursing home with no smoking privileges, was his faithful, slightly annoying niece. Mom’s lack of introspect makes this impossible. Too bad, Sweet Mom is also funny.
I moved to within a mile of their home a year ago so that I could provide my folks with more help. It is difficult to get my Dad to tell me what he needs; Mom, however, is a seasoned order giver. One day she is outwardly grateful for our obedience and the next we get criticism for things that follow only her personal and obviously secret logic. Because of her health I don’t attempt to defend myself anymore. Anytime I ever have tried, I have failed. I am afraid that her next outburst will be the one that kills her. If I am the final trigger, I know that I would blame myself and I fear that my family would too, secretly. So, I bite my tongue – a lot.
After I have been attacked and have walked away, I sometimes get in my car and drive home screaming and pounding the wheel. This helps with frustration but leaves a bucket of other emotions. I am lucky to have a sister that I can vent with. We communicate well; understand each other despite the major differences between us. What she hasn’t experienced directly with our mother, she has observed in much of mine. My sister often jokes that she took a full time graveyard job to assure that she has a very good excuse for not trying to do what I am trying to do. (Her teasing is one way that she expresses gratitude). Truth is that there are people cut out for care giving and some that simply are not. I am. Cathy, not so much! I would love to be a fly on the wall if she were ever to attempt to give Mom a sponge bath.
We are a small and reasonably close family. My mom thinks she is the hub. In some ways she is. Despite her fear, however, we will carry on just fine in her absence. I am saddened to say that I need that to happen before I lose all respect for her.
In a human development course I took several years ago, the professor asked if we could think of anything in our personal lives that paralleled the potential difficulties we face when raising a child. A wise classmate answered, “Parenting a parent”. I wonder if we knew how abundant the challenges could be, would we still have chosen to have a parent ;o?

I understand as well. However, my mother was a really sweet mother when I was growing up and was there for me when I was being bullied quite badly and for that I will always be grateful. That is what makes it so hard now. She is so scrappy and crabby now that I have a hard time with it. My advice for you is to cut all ties with your toxic mother. Life is too short to continue. She will never change and you need to let go. But when you do cut her out of your life, please cut her out of your emotions and be forgiving. She was probably doing the best she knew how in her limited way. Then be joyful and look for someone who needs you.

Eddie - I feel your pain although you have it far worse than I do. Mine just tries to hide her narcissism under a facade of caring, but when it comes down to it she is not as interested in anyone else as she is in herself. We are not dissimilar though, in that as sons we still want mom to love us, while at the same time acknowledging that she has not real love to give (my father was not really big on that either), you are to be commended for keeping on trying. A strong empathy center and a strong sense of duty are the only things that keeps me here and going.- yes, I admit, although I have only been able to put this into words since I moved back here, and more specifically since I have been tuning into this site, her lack of understanding and accepting love has colored my own emotions, lots of people have always though I am one of those people who are just very self-contained when in reality I do not let myself feel very much as it leads to nothing but hurt. Maybe I bring it on myself, maybe I am just attracted to those who do not feel anything either for their own reasons but whatever, any relationship I have ever had, even most friendships have been doomed from the start. It is natural and in spite of what you say, very forgiving that you should continue to try and 'be there' for your mom, but you also have to follow that self-protective instinct of survival that makes you want to stay away. Only suggestion I can have is to play the psychiatrist and bluntly ask (especially in company) what it is that dissapointed her so much in you, and then never comment except to ask questions, like "What would you have had me do?" or "Why should I continue to visit you if you feel that way?" and never answer a question, just ask another one. Talking about her to others present in the third person is always a good way to get back and make a point, too ("She says things like that just to get attention.", or "You must remember that she is not really in her own mind.") It all may be very enlightening, for one thing, very cathardic for another. Above all, much as you are tempted, do not yell back at her and submit to a fight, this is what she wants. "Revenge is best served cold." Good luck, do not stop trying for acceptance in your own personal relationships, do not follow my example.

This is one of those cases that I agree that you should cut ties as much as you feel is necessary and won't make you feel guilty. An abusive person deserves care but not necessarily from those she (or he as is often the case) has abused. Certainly not to an extent that retards healing from the abuse.

BAC:

Reminds me of my mother. With a PhD in Child Abuse, she verbally and physically tortured her her to ensure their subservience. My sister Martha does what you do: gifts, money, being repository of her misplaced anger. Martha's answer is always "It's my mother, and I love her." I told her 2 things: (1) parents shouldn't spit children into the world and then expect them to pay for it; and (2) stop giving them downpayments for their acceptance. She wants to be loved, but doesn't see the motherly love she's looking for has a price tag attached to it. And she really can't afford it.

As for my Mom, last I saw her was April 16th. Everyone had dinner and a slice of her birthday cake but me. My sister Ivette tried to make me feel welcome. Mom said "Don't give him s__t, he's an ingrate." I grabbed my jacket and birthday gift and headed out the door. She did the whole "telenovela" act and said to everybody "You see how he treats me? ... I should've choked him between my legs when I had the chance." She's gotten older, but hasn't changed bit. My last words to her were "If every time I see you all you're going to do is make me feel worthless then there's no place for you in my life." She blurted "Forget I'm your mother." I told her "I'll do my best."

There was a sex worker in the corner who asked me if I wanted a date. Nauseated, I handed her the White Diamonds my mother was supposed to get. As I rode the cab to my home in Parkchester, I said to myself: "You're either a masochist or a sucker for punishment. What's wrong with you?" ... As authoritative and empathetic I am with my sons and grandchildren, I seem to lose my self-respect when faced with that terrorist who calls herself mother, father, and best friend of all her children.

Taking the gift back served notice I'm not taking her abuse anymore. When I think about not seeing her again is a relief and makes me feel good. ... And I can spend that time with people who do love and care about me.

Thank goodness, I am not the only one going through the same hell. I am an only child and Wow what an experience that I do not wish this ride on anyone. I have been mentally abused ALL of my 47 yrs on this earth by father...I am still trying to forgive him it is just taking me a bit to overcome the damage he has done. If not for my dear departed Mom and her love and support when I was young no telling what my life would have been like. I know that my father is being taken care of and as long as I make sure that he is ok I can sleep at night. It is not my responsibility to tend to his emotional well being because he has made it pretty clear that I am not wanted. He has used every trick in the book after he was diagnosed with dementia and not capable of taking care of himself and being in a mental institution not once but twice....claiming he knew people that he could call and they would take me out...yes...kill me..... and all his other bully tactics to TRY to get me off the guardianship papers. I do not let him hurt me anymore I have grown as a person all I do is laugh ..without him knowing it.......at how outrageous all that he says now. The last time I paid him a visit a few weeks ago...he came at me with a pure devil look in his eyes ...I have never seen a human being look like that before....he grabbed my hand and would have broken it If the gentle staff at the assisted living location had not been there to pry him off of me and talk him down. Yes the dementia is a big part of it ....but he has always been a violent man before the dementia set in. So now I am gaining more peace and do not crumble or feel guilty when he leaves me messages demanding this and demanding that. I am done with seeing him and trying to have a relationship with him Lord knows I have tried. Again he is being taken care of and I can sleep at night. Do not let anyone tell you what to do....you do what is best for you what you feel in your heart. What has helped me is to Pray....love myself and enjoy the blessings around me. I know I could not go through this without the Big Man upstairs and the wonderful family support that I have.

All I can say is that I feel your PAIN...My mother is 85 with dementia (NOW), but she has been abusive towards me ALL my life, physically, mentally and emotionally. She hates my guts, but for some reason I always tried to go above and beyond...nothing was ever appreciated and she always looked for more. My therapist said at one point that I had the 'dutiful daughter' syndrome. I didn't deal with her at all for five (5) years at one point and I felt wonderful...not to hear her voice on the phone or have to see her. As soon as I tried to extend the 'olive branch' so to speak...she broke it and the torture was back on. She lives in NC and I'm in FL. I have a brother (her favorite) that lives 10 minutes from her and does NOTHING for her and deals very little if anything. I am her power of attorney and I want "OUT", but the state says I can't neglect her. I have headaches and stomach pains constantly and I know it's from dealing with her. I am in a financial state of despair trying to take care of her and I'm tired of suffering to take care of her. I am single with NO helpf from anyone. I can get no help from SS agencies because of her SS income being too high for the state of NC. Since the dementia, she is even more verbally abusive. She calls me 10-15 times a day, ranting and raving that I'm a horrible daughter...a daughter from hell to be exact.

To answer YOUR question...I say 'NO' you are not wrong and as long as you know you have done things right towards her with no appreciation...back off. Your health, physical and mental is more IMPORTANT. Stress will kill us women...we will be dead and our old mean Mother's will still be going on and on...lol I wish you the best....I pray and pray and pray.

PS - GUILT...I would have NONE. God knows I have done more than I should considering a lifetime of abuse from her and I still continued to be the 'dutiful daughter'. God is my only judge and I'm good with HIM.

These are such wonderful answers. I have tried boundaries, not talking to my Mom for 6 months, telling her how I feel and how much she has hurt me. Everything. The only thing that is working is letting her go. I talk to her every other day or every three days. Never about anything that matters just old people in the past etc. That makes her happy and I feel I am just on the outside. That is working for me since I am not a part of the "club" and live in another state. My Mom only includes my brother in all financial things and if he says the moon is purple, then it is purple. So my take is distance, both physically and mentally. It is working for me. I no longer feel as I did four years ago when the abuse really got bad. It broke my heart but I realized it was just more of the same thing I got in childhood.

The only thing this distance is permanent. Not in miles but in my heart. I will also not be used by my brother when he needs help. They keep secrets from me. I too have some compassion for siblings who do little for parents. I always feel, just maybe, there is a reason.

The best thing to do is whatever is best for you. I understand she is your mom & you love her unconditonally however your a human & need to be loved & respected and hold your own personal power over your life,what makes you happy & what is best for you & your family. It doesn't mean you don't love her or want the best for her,but I feel if she is causing such a negative impact on your life & own personal wellbeing then you need to look after your self right now. Take time away from your mother after your sure she is ok and will have the help needed. Maybe some time & space would be the best for both of you. Then maybe you will find a different approach to discuss the things that bother you about the past and the way she has made you feel in the past. I hope the best for you because I know just how it is....Good luck.

My story is almost identical to your's. My advice: Don't walk, RUN! Don't allow her to victimize you anymore. It's an abusive relationship. It's an unhealthy relationship. It's poison.

My mom was emotionally abused all her life and until her mom died. It's not only painful but intolerable. I had to hear my grandmothers disapproval of my mom for years. You are the only one who can make the decision to stop the abuse by staying away from it. Stay in touch by phone and limit that. Go to a codependency support group if possible. You do not have to live with an abuser even when it's your family. God be with you. mr

Thank you all for sharing on such a sensitive area. I had no idea that so many people had same or similar situations. Awesome advice and wisdom from everyone and I will use each and every comment combined. Will keep yall posted later. Thanks so much!

You do not have to feel guilty because of your reaction to abusive behavior. We all have desires and wishes, some are rational and some not. It is one's own behavior that one has control over. Your reaction is purely rational. It is up to you to do something or do nothing. If you decide to sever your relationship then that is your best answer to the issue.
My parents used to have loud arguments over my father's drinking. I was maybe 7 or 8 and I can remember being so frightened that I would just pull the covers over my head. I promised myself that when I got married and had kids that I would never yell at my wife. I never did. Even bad experiences can lead to one's own improvement.
You are not responsible for your mother's hateful behavior. You did not cause her to be what she has become but maybe she is not responsible either. None of us knows why other people are what they are but that doesn't mean that we, as individuals, must take those burdens on ourselves. I hope that you can stop torturing yourself and just focus on your own family, promising yourself that you will never become your mother.

I want to give a hug to all responses. Sorry my answer posted 3 x. New to posting on Twitter. This post has consumed my thoughts all morning. Thanks for all the help.

I agree with all of the above especially DT ! I am in a similar situation with my mom.
As she gets older it gets worse and she now trys to manipulate me as the primary caregiver. As I see from your post your mom is not living with you. Which is a good thing...No matter how hard you try you will never please her so do what is best for you! I wouldn't eliminate her entirely from your life. The guilt will be worse than the abuse..........So, having said that I personally would SET THE LIMITS AND THE TONE FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP. by that I mean when she is nasty on the phone cut her short and say you are busy and have to go and hang up. She will probably yell at you the next time you do it but if you continue to do it and you tell her that you won't talk to her if she acts that way she will eventually get the hint! It worked for me. Tell her you will only call her or see her ex: once a week or whatever works for you and stick to it......If she still remains nasty make the time longer and tell her why..........She has become the child and you are now the parent so you have to handle her as you would one of your children......Set limits, take no abuse......She may talk about you in a nasty way to your siblings but tell them you are not interested in hearing what she has said. Ignorance is bliss....You will still have some guilt but that is human.....YOUR family comes first......Keep us all posted on how things are gooing! Good Luck

If your mother was not related to you, how comfortable would you be putting your own emotional and psychological health first? I had to answer that question about an abusive parent - cut ties - and it was the smartest and healthiest things I've ever done. Yes, there will be times of grief and sadness for the parent you will never have, but you will have those whether she is in your life or not. Just a suggestion. When the time is right, you will do what you have to do for yourself.

Dearest Ballnchain ~
I do understand the 'ongoing' abuse. They don't change. My father is the same way. I have had to set my '''boundaries''' with him. Boundaries are good and healthy for your mind! I call it a 'family vacation'. Can't always be around it. Set your own boundaries for yourself. It's okay. I have no respect for my father. However, I need to be around him, due to my mom's cancer. (she by the way is my best friend). Makes it very tough to NOT bring in the tension around her. My mom always encouraged me to ''kill em' with kindness'' ... in any given 'bad' situation. So I do that for mom. It's tough too.
I understand.
kt

Your answers and your question are my life.. its abusive bit no doubt common. I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to spend my remaining days on this earth healing myself so I don't do the same thing. I long ago did some healthy work on emansupating from my family in a loving way. Unfortunately I need another course. It really changed the dynamics for everyone. Guilt stinks and lasts too long. Best to heal w some good mental pro so all anger and expectation are dissolved. All-out examples are EXACTLY my story. Exactly.

Your answers and your question are my life.. its abusive bit no doubt common. I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to spend my remaining days on this earth healing myself so I don't do the same thing. I long ago did some healthy work on emansupating from my family in a loving way. Unfortunately I need another course. It really changed the dynamics for everyone. Guilt stinks and lasts too long. Best to heal w some good mental pro so all anger and expectation are dissolved. All-out examples are EXACTLY my story. Exactly.

Your answers and your question are my life.. its abusive bit no doubt common. I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to spend my remaining days on this earth healing myself so I don't do the same thing. I long ago did some healthy work on emansupating from my family in a loving way. Unfortunately I need another course. It really changed the dynamics for everyone. Guilt stinks and lasts too long. Best to heal w some good mental pro so all anger and expectation are dissolved. All-out examples are EXACTLY my story. Exactly.