Was this inappropriate to say to mom?

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Was this inappropriate to say to mom?

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I've been really run ragged from my work and taking care of my mom, and recently told her, "My situation is unique, mom, and I do get tired from working and taking care of you." I thought, ya know, I doubt that my aunt ever said that to her mom when she cared for her (but who knows, right?). Is it a cruel thing to say, or simply being honest and frank?

Burnout Family Caregiver Mental Health Relationships

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I think you were right, I spent many years taking care of my mom. I was not honest. I finally had to make the hard decision to place her. When I told her, she asked me “are you trying to get rid of me”….it just broke me. I started crying hysterically because I could not hold it in anymore. I wish I had been honest during those years. Perhaps she would have understood better. Not sure….dementia is so hard to handle. I wish you the best. You can only do the best you can and realize that you will not be perfect. No one is!

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Reply to Msblcb

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I didn't mind helping my father when he truly needed it. But I got so angry when he would create emergencies for me to fix. He had a catheter bag that started leaking on a Thursday. Now he could have called his GP and had it replaced on Thursday or Friday. He lived close enough to walk there so could have handled it all on his own. No he waits until Saturday and I have to take him to the ER (at this time there were no urgent care places around) and sit for hours for him to be seen. He acted as if he was doing me the favor since it was Saturday and I didn't have to miss work. As if I didn't have a million things to do at home. I originally told him I could only drive and drop him off there and he would have to get a cab home. He agreed but when I got there he insisted I come and sit with him for a while and silly me did for 3 hours. This is the stuff that is upsetting and disrespectful. He could have handled it on his own but chose to make it my problem.

This was one of many things. I would fix an issue for him and he'd seem annoyed and ask if I was sure...maybe call them again. The total lack of respect for your time. He'd complain to my daughter I never 'visited'. When my daughter pointed out I was there often he'd agree but say I was doing things, not visiting. He put me to work every moment I was in his company but I guess that didn't count as visiting.

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Reply to lkdrymom

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This doesn’t sound harsh to me at all. I’d advise against tip-toeing around. Don’t be mean - but things are only going to get harder and if you’re walking on eggshells you’re going to make it worse for yourself. You didn’t cause her to get old. None of this is your fault or doing.

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Reply to Lmkcbz

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One time when I was taking my mom to the doctor, she was complaining about her situation. Her situation, which was really her own doing because she refused to prepare for her future and it came down to me to do it after memory issues and a broken hip. She said, "You know what they don't tell you about getting old? They don't tell you that you will lose control of everything. They will sell your car and house and put you in a facility."
(I was simply tired of hearing it, because I always hear it when I see her.)
"Well Mom, let me tell you something. It's also really hard for me to have to make those decisions when you could have but didn't. It very hard to have to be a constant source of disappointment, because of your refusal to plan in case something happened. I can't help what happened, but I was tasked to make sure you were taken care of and I did the best I can."
"Stop. You're going to make me cry."
"Good! You go ahead and cry, because I cry every day. So, you go ahead. Cry, then blow your nose and clean up because we're almost at the doctor's office."

She's never brought it up again.

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Reply to darts1975

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You are my hero. Brilliantly said.

(1)

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Unfortunately, it isn't the words...it is the tone of the voice, what was said before and after, and when and where it was said.

Yes, you are being honest and frank, but the situation, timing, and the tone of your voice, and the past history you have with the person, will drastically change how it is perceived by the other person and whether it was inappropriate or not, and whether it makes an impact enough to change the other person's behavior or not.

What this does tell me is that you are overwhelmed with all that you do and what you think you are expected to do.

I think you need to seek professional help. Even if you were to put your Mom into managed care, it may not cure your feeling of helplessness and lack of control over your life. With managed care, there is the guilt, the inability to find enough quality time with the person, the inability to spontaneously interact with the person and the feeling of closeness.

I think it is time to have a frank talk with yourself to manage your expectations against your desires and what you feel are your obligations. A therapist can help you there. You won't be the first or the last person and it isn't because you are weak or in guilt.

Hang in there! and seek outside, impartial assistance with your mental self. You will be needing it, if not now, then later as your Mom continues to age and becomes more dependent upon others.

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Reply to ChoppedLiver

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ConcernedDtrA: There was nothing wrong with stating the truth. You are human.

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Reply to Llamalover47

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Really, the question is not was it cruel, the question is when you burn out, who will take care of mom? Or- Why are you living in an unhealthy manner?

Depending upon her ability to process information, she may not understand it anyway. If she does then she is able to talk it through and brainstorm solutions with you. If not, you have to do what is best for you both. If you do not do some self-care, you will be no good to her at all. She needs you but not in all capacities. She needs you well to manage how she is taken care of. You will not stay well, if you continue this and she will have no one. Love is often the hard choice.

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Reply to RetiredBrain

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Don't feel guilty about saying it.....like it is! You should feel relieved that you got it out in the open. It's time to get more help, if needed? Don't know your situation. I had a couple of conversations with my mother and honest was the only way! It's hard having to hold a job and be a caregiver. You have to run out of work at the drop of a hat because you're afraid for them. I recall talking to mom and then silence, I've got to go! Boss said OK. She dropped the phone and picked up the remote. Well, there's another honest conversation.

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Reply to JuliaH

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I have been there too. Sometimes it is difficult to hold back from being honest. Everyone gets frustrated, so don't be too hard on yourself. You are overwhelmed with your mom. Understand, your mom realizes that you are dealing with so much.
Both of my parents were diagnosed with Dementia, but they actually acknowledged the stressful time I went through with them.

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Reply to Onlychild2024

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I recommend you start investigating some in home health care or moving her to a facility. Having just dealt with a lengthy and highly stressful transition from home to memory care for my father, I don't know why people try it at home.

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Reply to JR2555

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Nothing out of line there
altho
it does scream you need rest and some me time as well
please look into any way you can find sone time for yourself as well - caring fir someone is physically and mentally/emotionally draining
where it be help through the system if any family etc you can call on
you need help
You’ve updated so doubt you’ll need to do it again
until you get help then to quickly update you are exhausted and someone’s coming in to help a little

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Reply to Jenny10

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It's not cruel at all. What's cruel is that you have to be the caregiver and still work a regular paying job.

What you said isn't cruel. It's honest.

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Reply to BurntCaregiver

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Unless you screamed cuss words and called your mom ugly names, you said nothing cruel. For all you know, your aunt treated her mom like garbage! Not everyone has The Perfect Life like they claim to on Facebook. My mother put on a lovely mask for the outside world, yet our home was like a boxing ring between herself and her mother.

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Reply to lealonnie1

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Dear, you count for something too!
Have some grace for yourself too!
Don't doubt yourself or put yourself down.

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Reply to jwellsy

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What's inappropriate about being honest???
Quit wasting time worrying about such nonsense when I'm sure you have much bigger fish to fry right?

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Reply to funkygrandma59

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I see no problem reminding a parent that working a fulltime job and helping them too is a lot for one person. I would remind them that 10 hours out of the day is getting ready and driving to work, working and coming home from work. 8 hours you need to sleep. That leaves 6 hours to tend to her needs and time to do what you need to do for you. I really think parents forget what they needed to get donevin a 24hr a day. They get self-centered thinking because they are elderly everyone needs to do their bidding.

I think you were honest not cruel.

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Reply to JoAnn29

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I think it would be healthy to have a frank conversation with your mother provided she is cognizant enough to understand

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Reply to lkdrymom

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It's an honest truth - as long as you said it in an even tone of voice without throwing in a few expletives I can't see anything wrong with what you said.

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Reply to cwillie

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Even if she did, so what? She has to take care of herself and is making an enormous sacrifice to take care of a difficult and uncooperative elder.

(2)

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It is honest and it is frank.
I would actually expound further on it with your mom IF she has NO DEMENTIA.
You haven't listed this under dementia, and you haven't told us anything really about your mom, whether or not you two live together in her own or your home, how capable she is of helping you and so on.

But yes, it is a good discussion over a cup of coffee if mom is cognizant. I would elaborate. For instance:
"I hope that you know that I love you. And I am happy to be able to help you. BUT, I have lots on my plate mom (this is where you describe your plate and what it is full of in some detail).
I am trying to do the right thing, but I am uncertain how long I can go on at this level.
I have to tell you that in the near future we will have to discuss some options on how we will get help for you so that I don't do more than I can."

This is honest. There is no rancor or anger or lack of love. This is truth.

Now, if we are talking any level of dementia? It doesn't really matter WHAT you say. It will not compute.

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Reply to AlvaDeer

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Nothing wrong with what you said . It’s not healthy for you to be running ragged .

I’m curious what your mother said .
Did she offer to hire help for herself ?
That would have been a reasonable response to your being worn out .

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Reply to waytomisery

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No, not at all , with the little information we have, I think that the people we caregive, forget to see as as humans at times, they see someone that does for them the things they wish they could do for themselves.

You humanized yourself, let her know your not a robot, your real and you get tired too.

Please do let us know more information, why is your story unique?

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Reply to Anxietynacy

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You are SO right in saying that caregivers often are doing things for elders that they VERY MUCH wish they could still do for themselves--but can't. We old people (spouse 94 and I 87) need to be highly cognizant of that fact and NOT expect our family to be doing "double duty" caring for us and attending to their own lives. The latter has first dibs on their time, energy and money.

(9)

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ConcernedDtrA, can you give us more information such as your Mom's health issues. Was your Mom a housewife the whole time during her marriage as that generation doesn't quite understand when their daughters are going to work.

I remember when my Dad wanted me to retire from my career, a career where I had to break a few glass ceilings to reach my goal. Dad wanted me to have more time to help him and my Mom (they were in their 90's). I then asked my Dad if he had retired from work early to help with his parents. I knew his answer would be "no". He never asked me again. My folks could afford to hire people to help them but they didn't want to dust off their wallet.

You were being honest and frank. Ask your Mom for suggestions on how to help with this situation. Elders tend to accept things better when it is their idea.

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Reply to freqflyer

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Was this inappropriate to say to mom?

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