My wife has been the primary caregiver to her parents for the last 2.5 years. They used to live independantly in an in-law suite with her brother. Her brother did very little regarding making sure they were healthy. He would look in on them but other than sticking his head in their door that was it. Mother in-law has dementia and can no longer cook, clean or take care of herself. Father in-law has a mutlitude of chronic issues and has many UTI's due to the catheter. Last October whilst my brother in-law and his wife were in the UK, my father in-law had a fall in the driveway that landed him in the hospital for nearly 2 weeks.
Then rehab for 1 week. We moved them in with us at that point. Fast forward to now nearly 6 months later. We are fried. We know we are fried and can't do this much longer. They need constant care and it isn't getting any easier. My wife's brother and sister do what they can but it isn't much because they don't live with us. We do hire outside help for the days my wife has to go to work but even then we have to deal with all the things that go with caring for elderly who can't care for themselves. This includes on a number of occasions having to clean up my father in-law after he deficated himself because he couldn't get to the loo 15 feet way quick enough. Both use walkers though my mother in-law not consistantly enough.
We know we need to have the discussion of they need to move out to an assisted living facility. However, they are very stubborn and we are struggling to figure out how to even begin the conversation.
Any guidance?
Side note, we live in Southern New Hampshire on the Massachusetts border with Haverhill. There are many assisted living and nursing homes in the area. At this point though they don't qualify for a nursing home due to their fianancial situation.
They may find they like it.
For many years, a beautiful AL facility down the street from my parents, invited them and friends for dinner every couple of months. My parents went several times. They developed a comfort level with this place. When my mother had to be placed, even with her dementia, this is where she wanted to go.
Staying at an AL can be fun. But more than anything, for my mother especially, they felt safe there with people available around the clock to help. I have heard many stories where the loved one’s health improves considerably when they go into a simple living situation like this, with none of the huge stresses of managing things for themselves anymore.
also, with a couple in a room, you pay the main fee plus an extra person fee. In our case, the extra person was $900. Plus whatever care level would be necessary, of course. You might be surprised at the cost. I certainly was.
What I wish I had done…. a nursing home nearby. YOU can make the room nice, clean it a bit if needed. Stop in often. Bring treats, clothing, do some extra fussing with the things the home doesn’t do. BUT THE HOME WILL TAKE CARE OF THE BIG NEEDS, the round-the-clock needs, toileting if necessary, food, watchfulness when they are sick, managing meds… I think it would have helped me to think of the NH staff as the team of people—trained people—needed to care for disabled loved ones.
It won’t be perfect. They might hate it, but what they are really hating is being old and sick, more than the place itself.
You can actually be more useful to them if you can engage from a distance.
There will be social activities IF they will engage. So you will not have the responsibility of entertaining them.
Finally—let me be blunt—one day they will fall, or get sick and it won’t be taken care of very well, and they will die. This would have happened at home too. Expect problems to happen at the NH—they are human there too.
And—forget the inheritance. The care they need costs money. Don’t trade the prime years of your life for a few bucks. And—the stress of caring is traumatic and WILL damage your health.
For everyone who has said “they didn’t plan for their old age” by setting up a trust to shield their inheritance …
The care in AL and NH is marginal now. When everyone figures out how to shield inheritances in trusts, the care will be worse. It will be all understaffed, medicaid-pay only facilities for everyone.
However in this case OP is financially the sole provider right now. And are stuck with the mother at home until she gets worse.
I have had the conversation with my mom. I have set dates. Things always magically “fall through” and she ends up being completely my responsibility again. The worst part is, I’m too tired to do anymore leg work to even get her out (speaking to elder lawyers, visiting facilities, etc.).
I am her only biological child and while she provided me a life with many great opportunities we have always been like oil and water so most interactions have an undertone of irritation on both ends. I feel like I’m tiptoeing in my own home the majority of the time bc I want to go unnoticed! My family literally is like I know she is extremely difficult but you HAVE to do this bc she is your mom- whilst not helping AT ALL. It’s the most toxic situation I have ever been in.
Let’s put our foot down and get our lives back, or whatever is left 😣. One thing for sure, this is not living. WE CAN DO IT
Your parents are not going to have a choice if either of you drop over from exhaustion.
Start looking at facilities. Choose one. Tell your in-laws the truth, that this situation isn’t working out for anyone.
It’s not working for them because they need around the clock supervision. It’s not working for you and your wife because you are exhausted and deserve to go back life as it was before caregiving.
Look at it this way, your wife is their daughter. You are their son in law. Being caregivers for them robs you from being family members.
Most people don’t like to go into a business relationship with family. Caregiving becomes a full time commitment that is best run by a professional staff rather than family members.
As you said, when family members take care of their parents they quickly burn out.
Let me ask you something. If you were in their shoes, would you rather have an entire staff at your disposal to care for you or would you rather have family members who are burned out?
I don’t feel most people are capable of doing their best when they are fried, even if they have the best intentions. They are running on fumes.
I know what I would rather have. I will not ever ask either of my daughters to give up their lives for me should I need caring for in the future. I want my children to remain my daughters.
My MIL was cared for in her home by her 3 'kids' for a year. it was patently ridiculous and they just kept it going, by hook or by crook for waaaaay too long.
By the time they realized (actually, OB realized) that this lifestyle was far from sustainable, MIL had gone from being able to live in an ALF to actually needing to be in a lockdown 24/7 psych ward.
The kids decided to put her in a facility. They moved very quickly once they decided that. And from the day she was evaluated for the ALF, to 2 weeks later, she had gone from care level 1-2 to care level 4+. She moved in and the kids basically moved in with her. She died 8 days (and $20K) later.
All 3 of the kids were astounded that she was really 'that bad'. They were up too close and personal to see how bad she really was.
The day they moved her they all said "we should have done this 3 years ago". Well, truer words, right?
Once you make that decision--and find a place for them--move fast. They will kick and fuss and carry on and you have to be strong, b/c they are going to be furious. They'll promise you the sun, moon and stars if you'll let them age at home.
Stand strong! And good luck.
Honesty.
I never understand all the trying to skirt around it because that never works.
You are going to have to be absolutely honest that this is not working for you and your wife, and that you are not going to continue in home care. That you will assist them with finding facility for themselves but that this isn't up for discussion or argument. That you understand there will be anger and grief around this decision, and accept that, but that this must be started now with a search for a facility.
You have a right to your own life. They won't be happy. That's OK. There are many times in our lives that we aren't happy. Unhappiness and grief and disappointment are a part of life. You didn't cause this and can't fix it and throwing your own lives onto the funeral pyre is not going to help your parents or help you at all.
“We love you both too much to have only us helping you. You need better help than we can reasonably give, and you deserve to have the best care possible. It’s time you get the 24/7 care you deserve.”
This will frame it as “we want the best for you” as opposed to “you’re wearing us out and I can’t take one more day of cleaning up your poop,”
I mean, not being able to make it to the toilet in time can’t be fun for your FIIL either!
Dear Folks, your care needs have increased - therefore your CARE needs to be increased.
My wife & I are happy to help you find the EXTRA care.
We cannot provide it all ourselves.
We are two people who work. You need a BIGGER team.
Keep the message simple & focused on their CARE needs.
Reasearch places. Make a shortlist. Choose one. Take them on a tour.
I was told it can take at least SIX times to have The Chat until it even starts to sink in... That's with an average stubborn elder. Those who are very stubborn or cognitively impaired may not ever fully understand. Still, it must be done.
Basically, people live at home, independantly, until they can't.
Some families are able to lengthen the independant stage by providing the right fit/smaller home (as your Wife's Brother did). Then extend the semi-independant stage with daily care (as you & your Wife have done).
It's a process of downsizing really.
This next downsize will be to AL. Have the meals provided & assistance for personal care they need. They will LET GO of many things to do this. But also GAIN activities, socialisation.
They are dependant now. Let that sink in for your Wife & yourself.
It is a crushing blow for elders to realise this (many caregivers choose not to spell it out for kindness sake).
Decoraring their room with their favorite items can bring a sense of *home*.
Really, that's what most want I reckon. A sense of *home*, somewhere to feel safe & to know they are loved. ❤️
Like the others said , look at facilities with beds available . Choose 2 or 3 then sit down with the in laws and you and wife tell them you can no longer provide the care they need . They need to be cared for by professionals and they choose within 30 days if not sooner .
God bless you two, many of us know your struggles from experience.
You can change the plan.
The plan you THOUGHT would work, doesn't.
They use their money to pay for their care.
Sit down with them.
In your hand, you have brochures, or websites of 3 Assisted Living places or appropriate facilities.
Tell them that they have 30 days to make a decision about one of them. You agree to make the three appts and provide the transportation to visit.
Tell them that in 60 days, they will be moving there.
Tell them that otherwise, you will be selling your house and moving away.
You can do this.
Your sanity is worth it.
As far as being able to tell them gently, there is no easy way. You just sit them down and tell them. Your body knows when it has had enough! Listen to it.
You're right. Sitting them down and just speaking plainly is really the only way.
Sence joining aging care just a month ago, I feel so much better, and that person that was at times daring the truckers , feels like someone else now.
Had long talks with my family and really put my foot down. And today my long lost disappeared sister, reappeared and took mom to doctors.
I don't have many suggestions at this point, but stick with agingcare and just wanted you to know, you are not alone!
You and your wife take a week vacation and let them fail. So what if they have a temper tantrum. That doesn’t change anything, which is their needs have swallowed you up whole and have outpaced your ability to do this any longer.
They didn’t plan for their elderly years. This is not your problem. You and your wife didn’t cause them to get old.
Good luck.
Tell your in laws you simply cannot care for them any longer with their myriad needs and they'll have to move into Skilled Nursing now. When their money runs out, THEN you can apply for Medicaid if they're still alive.
"Putting a bullet in your head" is no way to deal with an elder care issue. Tell your wife to have this talk with her parents and then get busy moving them out.
Get them moved into a facility and get your life back.