Mom's been living with us for 10 years when it became apparent she had the beginning stage of Alzheimer's. She, as expected, started to decline in her ADL. In the beginning she was able to be left alone at our home while we went to work. Then we got Meals in Wheels, then we got her to go to an Adult Day Care via shuttle bus, then we needed morning time VNA as her morning personal hygiene routine was slipping. All these stages were slow.
Recently she has progressed from being mildly disagreeable to becoming combative and beligerant. This stage went from. 0-60 in what seems like 5 seconds.
An example happened this weekend. Mom ate a fried chicken leg with her fingers. I handed her a wet nap for her to clean her hands. She threw the napkin and I gave it back asking her to just wipe her hands. She threw it again. I said no problem, "I will do it". As I took her left hand she hit me with her right hand. My husband stepped in held her arms and that's when she spit in his face.
Needless to say this is my tipping point. I will no longer subject him to this type of behavior. My sanity and our marriage are more important.
I'm not sure if this is just a short stage and will pass or this is where it just goes downhill from here and I need to start looking for a comprehensive memory care unit now.
For those who have been through this and can weigh in, I need guidance.
Thank you,
Suzanne
Hugs to all
Juse in case this crosses your mind, you are not a failure for seeking professional help such as AL or full-time care. You are doing what you should be doing in order to do what is BEST for your MOM.
My mother is 94.5 and has been living in a Memory Care ALF since June of 2019. The team takes wonderful care of her and my DH and I always say that her life has been extended because of their immediate reaction to health issues. She has activities and 3 hot meals a day, and gets to socialize with the other 20 residents which she enjoys. She has no issues with the caregivers, and they love her to death. With me she's angry and combative, which is typical of a dementia patient: they act out with relatives and loved ones and tend to exhibit exemplary behavior with carers who aren't related to them. My DH and I go visit her on the weekends and I speak with her daily. It works for all of us, and our marriage isn't stressed to the gills in the process (nor is the majority of my sanity). Not everyone wants to subject themselves to demented elderly behavior in their homes day in and day out, and that's fine. There is no shame in placing a parent in a good Memory Care ALF where they are safe and well cared for.
For what it's worth, I've witnessed my mother's decline on a regular basis for the past 5 years since she was diagnosed with progressive dementia. She's never gotten 'better', only worse with time and as the condition progresses.
Wishing you the best of luck coming up with a solution that works for YOU as well as for your mother. Everyone's wellbeing is important here, not just hers.
Alzheimer's and dementia rarely if ever respond to 'anti inflammatory foods'. If it did, it would be a simple matter of a diet change for all these poor elders and their families suffering from the dreadful condition. Everyone would know about the miraculous cure and the Memory Care Facilities would all close down
Good for you dealing with your loved one in the way you see fit which is not suitable for everyone.
You never know where their brain is and they always need to know what's going to happen before it does.
Next time ask her if she would like something to wipe her hands.
My 96 yr old Dad is always asking for something to wipe his hands and face but he absolutely hates the wet wipes. He likes using a sift face cloth. Hands towel or a handkerchief.
You might just hire some Caregiver help to allow you to get some free time.
Your mom won't be happy in a Senior Facility and they are always understaffed.
They also tend to over medicate, leaving the patients more like a zombie but it makes their work and care easier.
Patient's also tend to loose their will to live once being put away.
Hope you can work things out with your mom and she can live her remaining life at home.
Prayers
The immediate solution is to have her physician prescribe some medication - if she will even agree to take it! (It may or may not work.)
You may recall the story of the singer Glen Campbell, who developed Alzheimer's disease. He was a physically strong man otherwise and became combative with the disease. There were 5 family members, rotating shifts, trying to take care of him. It became dangerous for them to continue to try to care for him. So, they had no choice but to place him in a memory care unit.
You stated that this was your "tipping point." It sounds like a different care arrangement is needed now.
You don't need to know the names of the meds to ask for; just get her to a good geriatric psychiatrist and describe what you are seeing.
And no, not "drugging her into a stupor". Giving her brain the chemicals it has stopped making.
If she was in some NH, MCS, that would probably happen.
⚠️ Trickier times ahead. Time to re-assess the plan..
Short-term plans:
* UTI? if so - antibiotics
* Meds for 'mood'?
Longer term plans?
What is acceptable to you?
What are Mom's values?
What is affordable?
What is available?
At what point does the tipping point between 'caring at home' become just too burdensome or dangerous?
(((Hugs))) to you for the process of change that has started.
My DH is NOT sexist but even he has been conditioned... He said to his sister's he is 'tech support' & 'garden maintenance'.
I don't need a crystal ball...
Thank you
My sister cares for my mother and told me she asked the doctor for calming medication when my mother began having episodes of hitting and swearing. I initially objected but now see how it's needed after I had my mother stay over for "one" night. I decided not to give it to her because I didn't want her drugged. Well, that turned out to be a big mistake! The medication really works! It calms her and doesn't make her sleepy. It's an option.
P.S. Memory care isn't a terrible option either.