I work 6 days a week and she calls me asking questions that can wait. I told her I am working and she gets mad and hangs up. Asking me every day when I will be finished. It is very annoying. Trying to get someone to come in and help out. So far no luck. She asks me what is for dinner at 8 am. I have no idea and I have stomach problems, so sometimes I don't want to eat. Seems like she is thinking about her stomach 24/7. What can I do?
Mom has dementia? She may be progressed enough to not be alone ever. And according to your profile, you are shuttling your daughter around which also causes to feelings of being overwhelmed. This daughter just be in her 40's, without a working car, and you have to transport her? Boundaries! She is old enough to figure her transportation out without involving you.
Giving the daughter rides is not what the post is about. You don't know how many rides she gives or how often. That's not what's causing her overwhelming problems.
Her senior-brat mother calling her all day long while she's at work to ask what's for dinner then having a tantrum when told she's at work is what's overwhelming her.
Then after working all day returning home to then cope with the needs and demands of an elderly toddler until bedtime.
Repeat day after day. This is likely what's overwhelming her and where those boundaries need to be set.
You say you're working on getting your mother a caregiver/companion. I hope that happens soon. How about getting her placed in AL or a managed care facility?
It's only going to get worse for you the longer she lives with you. Please consider placement for the sake of your own sanity.
If I were in your situation, I'd get a daytime aid asap or hire a neighbor to keep watch on her until you get a more permanent solution in place. Would your daughter be willing to fill in the gap while you seek a solution? I wish you all the best as you work to help her.
Mom has Alzheimer's/Dementia.
If she is by herself she shouldn't be. There should be a caregiver or companion there to keep her company, keep her occupied and keep her safe.
People with dementia have "safe people", ones that they KNOW are there for them, ones that they can rely on. You are her safe person and when you are not there she gets anxious.
People with dementia have little concept of time so she "knows" you are there for breakfast and dinner so she is relating meal time with your presence.
You can tell her that you can no longer take her calls at work. But you can call her when you get some free time. She may not retain that for long.
If you can call her on your lunch break you could set an alarm at home for mom that will indicate when you will probably call.
But getting her engaged with someone or something is the safest way to deal with this. Look for Adult Day Programs in your area. Look into getting a companion or caregiver depending on the level of care that she needs. This will be the safest thing to do.
I did read the OP's profile. She says that she gives her daughter rides. She does not complain about the rides and her post is not about the rides.
The post is about her mother's incessant phone calls to her at work and ridiculous questions like what's for dinner at 8 am. Then the tantrums and hanging up if she tells her she can't talk while at work.
This is the problem she is writing and asking about.
As time goes by, without constant answers from someone, she will either sit & fret or possibly go out wandering in search of company (that will depend on her mobility, personality & outside access).
I'd keep working on getting her some daytime company. Either in-home aides or she goes to adult day care.
My own Mom thought all women should stay home and have babies. It use to irritate her seeing female sportcasters on TV "what do they know about sports?" was her all time complaint when watching football. Same with women running for political office, etc. Also felt the same about women who were doctors, refused to go to one as men doctors are a lot smarter. YIKES!!
Thus, my own Mom just couldn't understand why I had a full-time career. I should be home cleaning the house, planning meals, doing laundry, ironing, etc. My Dad, on the other hand, thought differently.
Since your Mom lives with you, there is the adult/child dynamics. Mom has once again taken the role of the adult, and you have the role as the child. We are still kids in their eyes, and what do we know.
Your Mom feels you have been at work that day long enough, similar as to being out with your friends after school... time to come home. Unfortunately, it is extremely difficult to change the thinking of a parent. Not to mention one who has dementia.
I understand you need to take her calls in case there is an emergency, so blocking her calls isn't good at this point in time. Blocking would be good if your Mom had a caregiver at home with her, the caregiver could call you on her own phone if needed.
Contact your local counsel on aging to see if they any ideas.
You are not going to get Mom to stop calling even if she gets an aide. She no longer understands that you need to work. All she knows is she is home alone and you should be there. I would put my phone on do not disturb, no calls at all. If a receptionist puts calls thru, ask her/him to tell Mom your busy in a meeting.
To be honest, your Mom should not be alone. I know, your trying and there is a shortage of aides.
dont have to think of ways to keep her entertained as some might suggest. Simply set a firm boundary let her know she is not allowed to call you at work, it’s your place of employment and that is not allowed but you’ll give her one call during a break when you can.
if you can set up a camera so if she does call, you can check the camera to make sure she is up and about.
The poster collegemom65 specifies her mother’s dementia in her online profile as follows:
“I am caring for my mother Edwina, who is 86 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, depression, hearing loss, incontinence, mobility problems, parkinson's disease, sleep disorder, urinary tract infection, and vision problems.”
It is really useful to access posters’ profiles as they often give additional information we need in order to give a thoughtful recommendation. How to access? Here’s how:
At top of collegemom65’s post you will see a big blue colored circle which says C in her case since her name starts with C (my name circle says B since my user name starts with B, and your big circle is an S since your user name starts with S).
Tap on the big colored circle, or on the user name as you wish, either works, and this will bring up the poster’s profile (if the poster filled out a profile when making a User Name.)
Her profile then has a blue-colored hotlink for the word mother. By tapping that link it brought up collegemom65’s mother’s array of problems.
Hope that helps!
( I just saw a commercial for one called, "Hello," but I'm sure you'll find more if you do a search).
Sounds like Mom needs companionship in addition to food (as we all do). There are options that free you up:
1. Call Visiting Angels and get a companion who likes to cook (very different than someone who is coerced into cooking). Perhaps getting a pet would bring her joy.
2. Place mom in Independent or Assisted living where prepare meals and compel residents to eat together so that they have the companionship they needs. When mom is full and connected to other humans, you won't be the center of her attention.
3. Give mom a time when you can be reached or when you will call her.
4. Make an appointment for yourself with a Gastroenterologist.
5. Please consider working 4-5 days a week and start enjoying your life before it is over..................take some time to meditate and medicate your intestinal tract.
If this is accurate she should not be left alone.
Find her a facility.
Is your Mom safe to be home alone? You know if she can be.
I only call my Mom once a day, evening time. She yells. I do not & will not live with her (NPD + Borderline + Early Onset/former Alcoholic + Manic). I do not pick up the addt'l times she calls. I see if the voice to text is of anything important. It never is. Rambling. I do not have the bandwidth to deal with them. I have career + grown Kids in town..
If possible, elderly should/should have majored on developing/maintaining friendships & hobbies thru the years. Get to know your neighbors. Be kind. Learn to assimilate. Take up gardening. Purge a pile or drawer or closet. Respect that your grown Kids and their Kids deserve to live. Accept the help & make a plan yrs in advance for assistance in home or away, if you can afford to. My Mom can afford to but refuses to accept back in her old cleaning gal or an errand gal part time. For now.
You came to the right sight! It’s encouraging to know that others go through a lot of the same exact, almost word for word situations. This is how we learn.
My husband and I are going through the same thing with his mother. It’s exhausting to say the very least.
May God grant us all unending peace while experiencing these mind bending, strength zapping behaviors of our love ones’ contractions while on this finite earth. Hopefully to a better place to experience happiness beyond belief with our Lord and Savior for all eternity.
My mother's MCI started out with some short term memory problems and then led to phone calls and visits during my working hours. I saw this at the time as her stress relief from caring for my dad with vascular dementia but I now view it as also the MCI having some impact. Mom's MCI left her cognitive thinking skills and reading intact so a reminder post by the phone was very useful. I worked from home and started having her come down for lunch (she lived across the street).
This worked for several years for us and it might work for you for some period of time. If your LO has dementia that impacts their ability to read or reason, then this may not work at all or only work for a time. I think this behavior is more about your LO's anxiety and needing reassurance than any "brat" tendencies. It's possible your LO would also benefit from some anti-anxiety medication.