I didn't see mom hardly ever when I was raising my children, now she is frail and wants me to take care of her instead of the nursing home. I don't want her around. She was a wicked mother, but she wants to live with me. I am married with my own family and tried taking care of her, but she has to have constant care, has dementia and can hardly eat. Are there any other options than a nursing home?
The simple answer is that NO you cannot accommodate her. She could have been the best mother in the world and it still might not be possible to take on her care.
The only other option is to arrange in-home care if she is able to afford that.
And I also suggest you do not become her POA. If Mom is a senior at risk report her to APS. Tell her that you will not be caring for her, becoming her guardian or her POA as you are not mentally, physically, emotionally or intellectually capable of doing that. They will promise you help and resources. You will not get any. Let them know your Mom may need guardianship (conservatorship) of the State to get her on medicaid and get her nursing home. After all of that, if you wish to visit and lighten her day, take her out to lunch or some such, do so.
You should not have to sacrifice your own life on the altar to a person who abused you. You have a right to your own life. Your Mother has had her life,and now it is time for you to have yours.
I would start by reporting her to APS tomorrow. If she is struggling to do her ADLs (activities for daily living) they might act soon to get her placed. There is no option for home care in her situation without you being the manager. There can be a lot to manage.
Eventually the county will assign a guardian/conservator. My SFIL had a qualified guardian from Luther Social Services and they were very good to work with. Your mom won't like it, so be prepared for this. The guardian will assume authority over any and all of her assets (including home) and her medical decisions. I wish you much peace in your heart as you go on this journey.
Whatever, just don't take her into your home. Once they move in, they are very difficult to get to move out.
Good Luck!
Its sad that she's got dementia now and no plans for her care, but don't have her come live with you! That's always a mistake with a history like you two have. Nobody wants to live in Skilled Nursing, but it's what happens sometimes when old age and disease sets in. It's not your fault, so don't fall into the guilt trap you're being set up for.
Good luck!