I (34) am an only child. I care for my mom (75) in my home. I have two young children (5 and 7) whose safety I am concerned about. My mother has rapidly been on the decline in her cognitive functions over the last two months. She has been on a more general decline for a few years, however, and her medical team hasn't really cared. I finally got her with a new PCP recently, who is very focused on her physical wellbeing...but seems to take a slow and steady approach to her cognitive malfunction. That might be best for her, but it's not for me.
My problem is I am at the end of my rope. I'm concerned about her and our physical safety because she cannot be observed most of the time. We have no money or POA. She has been known to accidentally set fires. Her balance is going. And I work full time, two jobs. I have no family. We've only been in the area for 3-4 years and haven't really made any connections here.
What do I do? I've talked to: a cop, a nurse, the hospital, her doctor, her insurance, her financial advisor, my therapist
Everyone says get help. But from who? I work 8-5 M-F and care for my kids in the evening while I do odd work from home jobs for cash. I don't have the time or energy or mental fortitude to meet people in support groups. I have no siblings or aunts or uncles. All of my mother's long term friends have passed away already. We don't know anyone in the area (my mom likely has some AA friends, but she can't remember them to talk to them). Who do I approach to say: "Please take care of my mother, because I cannot anymore."?
She is not diagnosed with anything but being old and depressed because of a plethora of roadblocks to her care. At the same time, both her doctor and her financial advisor don't think she is capable of making decisions on her own behalf. I don't have POA or conservatorship. though I don't want either of those things at this point. I genuinely just want out.
I have $300 in the bank and I am behind on every single one of my bills. She is not capable of accessing her money, and I don't feel comfortable at this point accessing her bank account on her behalf for fear of accusations of taking advantage of her, or of elder abuse. I know she is overdrafted, and I also know she will get her social security check in a week.
What can I do?
She was hospitalized at the beginning of June with congestive heart failure. She's a high risk for a heart attack, so the ER fast tracked her. We were in there for 4 hours before they decided to admit her, but the attending nurse seemed to understand my concern for safety, so I think she held us after midnight to push the admittance. I was so tired I couldn't look straight, but a call to the hospital is first on my to do list after morning rounds today. I plan on asking for a Neurological workup and a psych evaluation, and I'm repeating the mantra to myself that she is no longer safe in my home.
They will likely ask you to help prepare the LTC Medicaid application at some point. Be as helpful and honest as you can. If there are assets you can't access, the SW may ask you to file for guardianship. You do not have to do that if you don't want to. What will eventually happen is the State will step in and take care of it. The downside of that is you will lose any rights or control over what happens to your mother. The state will do what they see fit.
Tell them that she is not safe at home and is endangering herself and your family.
Do not listen to "we can get you help". You want her placed immediately, even if it means she becomes a ward of the state
I had the same financial advisor to handle my own retirement account after I did a big career change in 2021, when I was out of work with a disability that I couldn't claim because of those assets. My disability and her aging combined to make us blow through the last of those assets in the last three years. I have been employed full time for a year now, but the job is not well paying and I find I have to take time off regularly, further challenging the money thing. I only found out she still had assets on Thursday, and that they were locked away from us.
But you should definitely talk to a social worker for your county.
You could take her to an elder law attorney and that lawyer is the one who would determine if she has capacity to create the DPoA document. In my experience, one can have mild memory loss and cognitive impairment and still be considered too have enough capacityy. The problem is the fee.
If I were in your shoes I'd go too Legalzoom.com and get the DPoA through that process, which is much more affordable. If you are an only child, and she doesn't have a husband (just like me and my Mom) then you don't have much to worry about. Her bank may still require you go through their own PoA protocol but then you'd legitimately have the ability to take care of her financial affairs on her behalf.
BUT... this won't solve the problem of you having to provide all her care (and it will get much more intense in the coming months/years). You may want to consider having the county become her guardian. Then they would be able to find placement for her.
Hiring aids and facility care are both expensive. In most states Medicaid (plus her SS benefit) only pays for LTC and not MC (which is what is seems she needs). But if the county became her guardian, they would have total control of everything and you'd have no access to her accounts or insight into her affairs, financial or medical anymore.
Often with dementia there are no good solutions, only least bad options. Start by contacting social services.
As far as her PCP, well, I don't think most doctors care. They see you the D, know that she lives with you, and then assume you will take care of everything.
You mention her AA friends -- Alcoholics Anonymous? How long has she been living with you, and why did she come to live with you?
Edit: AA-- She sobered up in 2006 after a lifetime of alcoholism. Her social life was through AA. But we moved several times, and her old connections are long gone. Since 2016, she's struggled with sobriety. Until her doctor told me to take her keys, she would forget what she was doing and find herself in the liquor store parking lot a few hours later. Best I can figure is she (either conveniently or not) forgot she was supposed to be sober.
A PCP knows a little bit about everything and a lot about nothing. Your Mom has a Dementia or a mental illness. She should be seeing a Neurologist.
I can understand you not using Moms money and in her condition you can't have a contract made up for rent. But, she should be paying for any of her needs. Clothing, special foods, medications, toiletries, balance of doctor bills not covered...You just keep records and receipts.
The sea is not cleared of icebergs yet, but sinking has been averted!
Folks this shows what we THINK, CAN have power. If our actions are based on how we THINK, it can make change happen.
From "what can I do?" to "I was unable to take care of her".. what changed?
The thinking in behind shifted.
The honesty that you used to speak up to Mom & now to her medical care team has many benefits. Also it IS taking care of her - just in a NEW way.
As her Advocate.
but someone has to access her money, since she can't. and who do you trust more than you, to do that? some stranger?
if possible, get POA, so YOU can legally access her money. but your mother will have to agree, and sign POA. also, you both will need to go to the bank with the POA document (banks have their own additional POA documents you both must sign).
if she's over-drafted, then there's no money to talk about :(.
but as you said, her SS money will arrive. so that should help.
the money is hers and it's for her to use, so help her use her money on her.
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as for your question, "what to do when i'm at the end of my rope?"...
...i hope others have good advice.
so many of us are at the end of our ropes.
:) your fellow end-of-rope-friend,
bundle of joy
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