My mom has lived in the house she's in since 1962. It is a 5 bedroom 2 bath house, and it is over flowing with stuff. As time goes by, she is not physically able to do much of anything, and she will watch me sometimes, because she thinks that I might do something with some of her things. I am wanting to possibly get someone to come into her home for a caregiver for her, but I am concerned that because of the house being so cluttered, that they may not be able to help. I am at my wits end, and I don't know what I can do.
Yes it hit the fan when Mother returned but the deed was done. They stressed they had not thrown anything away (well... maybe a few dirty or damaged things). It was all there - just now in the garage. Now they could spring clean properly! Weren't the freshly mopped floors lovely!
There were two issues: control & inability. Didn't want to lose control of her stuff but inability to decide what to do, where to put it, what to throw out. Possibly the beginnings of cognitive decline.
The Mother swore she would move it all back into the house.... did she? Nope. Never opened a single box.
Just an idea..
My Mom had a 4 bedroom farmhouse. She didn't use the upstairs so we started there. I sat her down and had two piles, keep and throw out/give away. After we went thru that I then took the keep pile and thru it with her again. The Facebook online yardsales are a good way to make some money.
Since cleaning out Moms I have done some of my own. If I haven't used it in the last 20 years or so I got rid of it. Mostly donated to Church yardsales and Thrift shops.
For some unknown reason hoarding is a problem with elders. You are not alone in having to deal with this. There are many threads on Aging Care discussing it. Here is one recently updated article that you might find helpful.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/hoarding-behavior-becomes-more-severe-with-age-146409.htm
If you do a search for hoarding on this site, you will find many many more threads and articles.
In this article it is suggested that the caregiver seek counseling or support as it is very difficult to be the caregiver of a hoarder.
I’m glad you came to AgingCare and I’m sorry you have this to deal with.
I wish I had an answer for the hoarding, or how to make people feel safe, but I don't. Truth is, they are not safe.
Now when she says she doesn't like an article of clothing or it doesn't fit just right, not comfortable, I move it to a shopping bag. When I have to pick up groceries, I move the clothes out as I leave. I even had a couple of garage sales because she liked the idea of making a little money off her stuff. Too much work for the little bit of money, but it got some stuff out.
For starters, with Christmas coming up, tell all the relatives no junk stuff to set around the house. Ask for doordash delivery type food gift cards or Walmart grocery cards. My mom can still identify things that so and so gave her and she just can't part with it. You know what kind of clothes she wears, what she likes/doesn't like, so tell them gift card and you'll pick it up. (I got tired of doing all the clothing exchanges). Also ask for hair salon gift cards (preferably a local person that will come to the house). In home nail salon person who will do nails. Or ask for specific items with item number and where it can be bought (certain type of underwear with item number, etc).
Maybe start in one room and tell her you'd like to redo it. Bedspreads, curtains, the works and point out little things that create clutter. She might be interested in helping with the revamp and let go of some things. Point out things first that didn't come to her as a gift - those might be easier to let go of. Bathroom cabinets can be decluttered without being obvious. Kitchen, too. (Except my mom can remember some little kitchen doo-dad and tell me exactly where it is!)
I was leaving to go to Africa as a principal of a school. I had opportunity to add (for free) to a container being shipped. My mom has collected arts and crafts things for years to use at her church. I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to get her to give it all up knowing it would be well used —in a school that didn’t have the luxury of the types of things she had. At first she was enthused. Then she wanted to know EXACTLY which craft projects they would be doing. She wanted to know how the “Google eyes” would be used. She kept saying she “might need them” in the future. She finally put together one small box—mostly of construction-type paper that had been DONATED to the church!! I was so disappointed that her attachment for her things out-weighed the good her giving would have done.
Later, I returned again. We went through many of the paints and markers. All dried up and useless. Some still had the tags on them. She was so proud of the “good bargain” she got when she bought them. And now...the only thing to do with them was toss them. Some “bargain”! She paid for trash!! I’ve been reminded that she was always more interested with “things” and the “appearance” of doing good than the actually doing of good. It’s sad.
We didn't try to clear the whole house. We cleared the areas a caregiver would need to access- exits and entrances, the kitchen, the bathroom and a sleeping/sitting area.
What we did find was that cleared areas (like the kitchen table) became cluttered again fairly quickly. So it didn't really solve the problem. Being surrounded by "stuff" seemed to provide them with some kind of comfort.
By the time we moved the last resident to memory care, we needed three dumpsters to clear the junk out of the house. It was sad.
While attempting to help de-clutter I was constantly told “you don’t understand”. “It is sooo hard to go through all this change”. (Me moving in)
I lost my husband in my 50’s...after many years of his poor health. I went through a year of cancer treatment...and sold my home two years ago.
She still has her husband and her home. She has never had any major health incident. Any time my dad has been ill she had the help of her children.
I did convince her to let me out a few things in my storage unit so I could move in some of my own personal furniture.
Fine by me, just being in her place makes me antsy and angry. She adores the junk she won at BINGO yet doesn't even have a picture of my daddy hanging up. I'm fine with never cleaning again.
About 6 years ago she was fascinated by the KonMari cleaning (which is far too brutal for a hoarder) and I worked 3 days in her place, wound up with a raging migraine, and we actually threw away one very small bag of trash. I had bought 10 large plastic bins, which we filled to the brim with paperwork and then put it in the crawlspace--she simply couldn't let anything go. It was literally painful.
Her speaking to me about never touching anything in her packed apartment was probably very hard for her, I respect that. Her piles of puzzles and books which she wants to donate to the Sr Center (she wants the social kudos that come with physically donating these things) are now toppling over--I doubt the Sr Center will open for over a year more. It's the grime and the ropes of dust hanging from the light fixtures and the piles and piles of 'junk' that get to me.
We're done with therapeutic fibs, tidying while she's out (b/c she NEVER GOES OUT)....it is what it is.
Her concept of tidy is not mine. I worry a little about the filthy birdcage that never gets cleaned, and the constant cough that breathing bird feathers and dander off of them--and the DUST. But, it is her home and I'm quite frankly just so tired of dealing with it.
Most people simply do what I do: give up on helping and just know that when your LO passes, a giant yard sale and subsequent trip to GoodWill will take care of it.
it was a nightmare to get either of them to let my sister and I help clear out. My moms W-2 forms 1955...just to start! Craft crap from church programs she “might” need. (She has 16 great grandchildren who could use it). 😳🙄🙄🙄
I can’t clean—I don’t do it right (never could). She will let the neighbor come in to help clean—SHE is good. They pay her ...but not me!! (Before I returned from overseas we had eldercare come to assist..they didn’t do anything to her liking and my dad didn’t like paying! (But it was fine for me to give up a paying job with paid insurance for US and overseas...to come back and do the eldercare)
I was “sneak cleaning” before she and dad woke up. I was using a swifter mop in the kitchen. My dad spotted the used pad in the trash and pointed out to my mom...showing her how much dirt I had gotten! He was trying to say I “did something”. She took it as a insult and had the “real” mop and bucket out AND scrub brushes!!).
An eldercare contract was suggested by my sister so I could be compensated for some of the wages I had given up. My dad actually said he “gave me” room and board and I don’t do as much as the eldercare lady! 😳🙄.
I’m done. I will come and help prep dinner and drive to appointments...but I won’t live there. I won’t do anything I am not trained to do. They have the money and can hire someone. The mental/emotional stress is not worth it!
Tell your mom what your plans are and let her watch you. Maybe you all could decide together what she should keep and what she will allow to throw away.
Whatever she decides to keep, just neatly organize them in clear plastic bins and store them in an extra bedroom. You will be amazed what a difference it makes for clutter.
SN: If an extra bedroom is not an option for storage then maybe she should invest in a storage building.
My dad finally realized that they had too many things, but they had very nice things so he didn't want to just call up Goodwill to haul away their stuff. He was trying to choose the home for each and every item, and of course, he didn't get a lot of takers (namely me or my brother), because we already have houses full of our own things. I would accept various items or imply I wanted them, and then get rid of them on my own after taking them home. My dad and I had a understanding that once it was mine I could do with it as I chose. He knew I was getting rid of the things, but he knew I wouldn't just toss them out either.
I finally told him that I'd deal with the rest of the house once he and my mother no longer cared -- translation: when they were gone. That finally calmed him down and stopped him worrying about finding the right home for every antique in the place. He's been gone for two years now, and I still haven't gotten rid of much, although I did go through 22 boxes of papers and found my receipt from my birth ($200), the receipt from the purchase of a set of encyclopedias (also $200), and a big pile of grocery coupons from 1994 (expired). The rest of the stuff will be in an estate sale when we finally sell the house.
I wish she would write a special Hoarder addition. When there is attachment to everything - that's the really hard part. Not being able to feel what 'sparks joy'. For some people it seems it is all special.
It's hers not yours and you can do eith it what you want once she is gone.
The Caregiver you hire isn't going to care one way or the other about your mom's stuff.
If your mom has room in her bed to sleep and the halls are clear fir her to make it to the bathroom and to the dining room to eat and a path is clear to the front door then that's good enough.
TRyan having a nice visit with your mom and stop bugging her about her stuff.
Look at her clothes, and see if anything is too shabby or small for her. Can she wear it, or is it too small? In she can't, tell her your "friend" was looking for something just like that. Can friend have that dress?
baby steps.. don't stress her out.
any bottles of similar product, combine them, and get rid of the empty old bottles of cleaner.
Rome wasn't built in a day. Nor did mom acquire all this stuff in a short period of time. So, you don't need to get rid of everything in a day or week or month.
Be casual about it. Do not make it a big deal.
I feel sorry for my kid... I have too much stuff, and I can't depart from things too easily..