My parents are declining in health and mental status. They have 4 children. I live 300 miles away. The other siblings live close by. The oldest sibling is purposefully excluding the other children from helping with care, keeping us in the dark about their condition and treatment, and even exclaiming that our parent's health is none of our business. He also continually manipulates and instills fear into our parents, by convincing them that my other siblings are untrustworthy (which is unwarrrented).
After a year of him being in charge of my parent's care, it has become evident that he is not making decisions in their best interest due to denial, emotional immaturity, and possibly financial motivation (his name is on one of my mother's bank accounts, and he is currently unemployed).
He cancels important appointments and gives many doctors unnecessary grief, which affects their care. They are living in a home that they cannot manage and that is filthy. Their personal hygiene is being neglected as well.
Today I found out (from their lawyer) that I am on their HIPAA and I am also listed as an equal health proxy and power of attorney with this difficult sibling (who led me to believe I was simply an alternate). My other siblings are asking me to intervene and start taking action. I don't know where to begin. I do not want a legal battle with my brother. I would like to work with him and everyone in my parent's best interest.
Although they are not deemed mentally incompetent, they essentially are and cannot process or deal with this situation (even after attempts to bring it to their attention).
Where do I even begin?
As POA you are entitled to see and review all financial transactions and take direction from your parents to act on their behalf. You are legally entitled to ask for these documents I believe. You are also entitled and expected to be involved with decision making around health care and lifestyle decisions, so you should be taking an active role in speaking to your parents about their wishes. If you parents say something like "your brother is taking care of it" you should find out whether they he is taking direction from them, or just acting on their behalf without consulation with them. You should also find out whether the legal documents allow him to act with or without incapacitation. You can say to your brother, as joint POA you must disclose any decisions you are making.
In any case, a confidential conversation with the legal body will help you proceed further, good luck.
You need to make app'ts & either take them yourself or have another sibling do it [or take 1 of them with you if you can] - first go talk to their lawyer to get the right paperwork & a bit of advice - if your parents are not competent then you need to become in charge -
Check where their money is going & if/how much bro is helping himself to - if bro can't show where it is going by huge amounts [not by $5 to $10 out but by $100s] then ask him to withdraw from her account & hint at possible legal action [you will have already told him that you spoke to the lawyer] - hire regular help for the cleaning - if bro isn't working let him work cleaning for them as a paid job but you will need to have this verified .... maybe 1 of the others can do before & after visits so you are sure
The other 2 sibs can visit & why can't they help a bit - just because they aren't named in documents doesn't mean they can't be in the loop of helping them
I took my own Self out of the Equation when Moving Miles from my Parents ands Now my Sister is Stuck with this job and Healthcare Proxy now for Dad now that Mom is Gone.....You live too far away but that don't Mean you cannot See to the Care to Share to Make sure Everything is the Way IT Should Be...
Telling OP to have herself removed as POA is ludicrous.
Is it possible you and the siblings call to ask things, but have not really played an active role in the day to day needs? Perhaps brother is tired of passive participation when he really needed a little action. Have you and the other siblings just showed up to clean the house? Unless there is a protective order to keep all of you away, visiting more often and taking care of household things might be a good place to start. And instead of charging in on the situation, maybe let him know you have put a lot on him in the past and promise to be more active in helping the parents. Apologizing, even if you don't think you're wrong, may open the door to be more involved.
I still think you're going to have to get down there. But your brother (I mistyped that as "bother" - Freudian typo?!) has got frazzled, and it would be best to reboot and start from scratch than go in having come to prejudged conclusions that he's necessarily got misdeeds to hide. He may have, but he also may not; and either way you *still* have to figure out what's best to do next. That won't be any easier if he rocketing around in a temper being defensive.
It could be that bro is providing care for the folks. Is he being paid? Is there a caregiver agreement in place? If he is providing unpaid care then maybe that should change. Caring for the elderly, especially 24/7 is a grueling job. If this was through an agency the cost could very easily be in excess of 15K a month.
You may not be able to simply kick him out of the folks house. He may very well be a resident and have to be evicted.
When did you last go and visit your parents?
Your description of how your brother is purposefully excluding the other two siblings, exclaimed that your parents' health is none of their business and so on - these are reports that have reached you from the siblings, are they? They're not anything that your brother has tried to pull on you?
Your parents' health is very much your business. Your brother cannot exclude you from information and decision-making: your parents took care of that by appointing you jointly with him.
This is a crossroads for you. You either resign your joint POA, or you get involved.
If you decide to get involved, then you begin with a field trip. Would you be able to go and stay with your parents or nearby for any length of time?
I have pretty much the same thing going on in my family. Mother lives with YB and he acts more as a jailer than a CG. He has consistently refused any outside help, even family, in fact, esp family. He has something wrong with him, mentally, and you cannot reason with him.
I didn't have any support from the other 3 sibs, to move mom to a better situation of just get her 2-3 day a week PT care. W/O that support nothing can happen.
Last time I 'really' spoke to YB was 2-1/2 years ago and we were trying to have a civilized family meeting. He just LOST IT. Screamed and screamed at ME...and all I was trying to do was get a baseline on mom, how she was, what she needed, what we could do to help him.
For some reason he felt attacked and fought back---it was horrible. My sibs are huge 'Dr. No-shots' and don't stir the pot--heck they don't come in the kitchen! Not one of them stood up for me in any way. Broke my heart.
I have zero legal involvement. My other brother is co-POA, but since he is a total pansy--he never steps in/up to anything.
Dont know why he has chosen this martyr routine, but it's working for him. W/O outside involvement, nothing will change. A visit from APS (not called by me, but I got the heat) didn't change anything. Just more anger.
Mom deserves better. Sadly, she will never get 'better' care. Brother will not allow it and I am too tired to try to legally do anything.
Keep us posted and good luck.
And this is exactly why giving 2 people equal say on a POA is a very bad idea, but too late for that now.
If your situation is similar to mine, the relation with your brother won’t and CANNOT be salvaged.
You must get get in touch with their lawyer as soon as you can, and you must establish where the controls lie regarding LEGAL determinations and your defined responsibilities and limitations within your POA and brother’s.
Focus 100% on you parents’ needs and rights. Brother has already established his lack of focus in that area.
Sorry to be so abrupt, but trust me, I know.
If you parents are mentally cognizant, have then re-sign documents making you the sole power of attorney and, either you or someone else, executor of their will. You can pull these forms off the internet, if you want. Also, you can immediately take them to the bank and have them take brother off their account and add you. You can now begin cleaning up the mess.
It is hard to have to sit on the sidelines and watch you mom or dad be financially used/abuse and there is nothing you can do, but wait and pray for the right moment to step in. Sigh!
Above all, don’t be intimidated by the fear of him being upset. Who cares if he is upset. The big issue is taking care of your parents. Don’t have any of these “discussions/confrontations” in their presence if possible.
Good luck!
1) Attempt to communicate with your brother more often. Ask nonjudgmental questions.
2) Try to communicate with your parents more often; if possible, contact them when your brother is not with them, so they perhaps feel more comfortable speaking freely.
3) Visit unannounced.
4) During your visit, take notes.
5) During your visit, ask to see your parents' financial records. You probably have the right to do so, as coagent on their POA.
6) Call the local APS agency. In my state, people can anonymously report cases of suspected elder abuse or neglect, and the APS agency must investigate.
7) Start thinking about how care will be provided for your parents if your brother withdraws from the caregiving role.