Has had UTI's but not currently -- first thought that was the problem but it seems now the nasty attitude to everyone is constant. Do not know if these are thoughts she has always had and has now "lost her filter". Nursing home aides say she knows what she is doing.
If they truly don't know what they're saying, the filter is GONE, and the comments are cruel and cutting, or too 'close to the bone'...you can either attribute it to the dementia and continue on or you can set better boundaries.
My MIL has mild dementia--I think. She has always hated me and has kept her horrid hurtful comments on the sly--just pinching my upper arm and hissing in my ear....w/o a witness, nobody believed me. I just ended up crying every time I'd be around her for any length of time. It was like being in a cage with a snake---you were always on guard.
Couple years ago, she just 'lost the filter' and in front of the whole family. Just let it all rip. She is quite deaf so she talks LOUDLY. She started in on something that I had done well over 30 years ago---and wouldn't shut up. My niece was standing there crying saying "Grandma, shut UP! Stop it!" I was just stunned. She wouldn't stop and it got funny/ugly. I took my plate and dumped it in the trash and went in the house and said to my SIL, 'take me home, I cannot do this'. He hugged me so hard and said "You go, she wins. Go out and I got your back".
I DID go back, she had quieted down and I think my BIL had spoken harshly to her, she left shortly thereafter.
For all my DH has stated she isn't 'responsible' for what she says, as he thinks she has dementia, I said "So, for the past 40 years she's had dementia? No, sir, she's MEAN". The dementia she now exhibits is probably legit, but still very hurtful. She doesn't even TRY to cover it up.
All it has done for her is cause her to have zero friends. She is housebound and an angry, hateful woman. Sadly, I think many dementia patients become just MORE like they were before. Sweet people get sweeter, mean angry souls get angrier. Just my opinion.
Hard as it is, the 2 choices you have are to deal with the dementia, the whole ball of wax that it is, or you cut ties. I sound mean, but why should I continue to take hatred and vitriol from a woman who has hated me with a passion for 44 years??
And she is going to. live. forever.
That may be hard at first, but if the person has a level of dementia that keeps them from "knowing" what they're saying, then you really can't listen to the crazy talk.
I've learnt not to do what she wants - which is to get upset at the accusations. Just treat it as a joke; else - you'll cry and cry and then get angry in return; she wins. Not that it's just a game to her. It's very serious; when she accuses you. In her mind - she is settling scores and redressing the balance of justice. It's a vastly twisted sense of right and wrong - but if you let it get to you - then she's won the "law suit."
(So dementia does this. The docs are keeping my mum's diagnoses to Schizophrenia)
And dementia will cause people to loose that "filter" that prevents us from saying things that we would later regret or doing things that you would not normally do. But age can do that somewhat as well.
Some strategies you might try...
If you are not occupied with direct care at the time just get up and leave the room.
Ignore what is being said and just pick up a book or a magazine.
If you can try earbuds and listen to music or a book that might block out some of the "nasty". This might work because you can still hear if something is amiss but the music filters to some degree.
I am surprised at the comment from the Nursing Home employees. I would not say any dementia patient is aware of what he or she is saying at any given time. Or them may know WHAT they are saying but not WHO they are saying it to. If this person is saying that you are beating them and lying and stealing from them it may be possible that someone in their past has beaten them, lied to them and stolen from them and they think YOU are that person and they are reliving the experience again. If the person said you have been pinching them it might be that when they are being helped from the bed to a wheelchair or toilet that an aid grasped them and it hurt. This might e the way they are trying to communicate that they have been hurt by a caregiver in some way. There is no telling what the meaning behind an outburst is. But if it has nothing to do with you ignore it and try not to let it get in your head. Just tell yourself this is coming from the broken brain of someone you care for.
When I started nursing , I quickly learned to just shrug off the horrible things the demential patients said. ( "Get your ugly face out of here.", "You're FAT", "I'll bet your sleep with all those men.", and worse, much worse. ) But even after years of such abuse, (which nurses are expected to tolerate) one elderly woman really got to me, when she growled at me: " I hope your find your children dead in the street ! " Wow. That felt like someone had punched me. (Which other patients actually had done, without bothering me much at all.) This knocked me for a loop. I had to ask one of the other nurses to step in and take my place, to finish cleaning up her incontinent mess in the bed.
So don't expect so much of yourself. Sometime even folks with years of experience handling this kind of thing, have a hard time with it.
dementia has not exacerbated my mother's prior personality - it has flipped it upside down -
this was a woman who loved to laugh and talk with everyone now she's afraid of everyone - her best defense is her mouth and what comes out of it isn't too pleasant
yes, there are some folks who turn into sweet lil old ladies but most do not - they do hit, pinch, kick, hiss, spit and bite and cuss like sailors and say mean hurtful things - why?
their brains are not working properly, they're afraid, hurt and frustrated
after two years now of being bedridden, my mom still thinks she's being assaulted during diaper changes -
the experienced staff who know her will either laugh or say you can kill me tomorrow, or I can't hear you or give her a minute and try to soothe her
and when the job is done, mom will look at them and say you're lovely - I love you
The best way to handle this is with a consistent routine. Also make sure the dementia sufferer is given frequent fluids, bathroom breaks, periods of rest, and non-taxing/fun activities.
Live in their reality, be patient, don't react to bad behavior and don't take it personally. It is the disease that you are dealing with not them. Change the subject. Or simply walk away.
My mom would get mad at me for all kinds of stuff, I would walk around the corner, put my hair up or change my shirt and come back and she would think that I was someone else and complain to me about That Other Woman. So when I had to do something she didn't like I would put my hair down and wear that same shirt. Then and come back with my hair up and she would be all happy again. It is a mater or trial and error for everyone. Hang in there and never stop loving those who need you. Make sure you take long breaks.
My mother, in the last year of her life, was a hellion. A spitfire. I was taken aback by a lot of things she would simply blurt out.
Divert if you can, otherwise when it happened to me I just sucked it up and kept quiet to not escalate her any more.
Don’t take it personal whatever you do.
We understand that the patient is not being intentionally hurtful or mean-spirited; however, we caregivers are humans, too -- and we also cannot help but get hurt by repeatedly being degraded, accused of ridiculous crimes, or in my case - hearing my loving mother of 55 years suddenly blurt-out in anger: "I hate you soon - and I MEAN it!!" All the while, she's shaking her finger in my face and accusing me of trying to poison her... when I am the person who cares and nurtures her everyday (for the past 4 years).
Do you honestly expect me to simply "ignore" it - like water off a duck's back?? No, my life has value, too... and I deserve to discuss these deep-seeded painful comments with either a counselor, clergyperson, or family member. To simply ignore will only allow the pain to fester and become a slowly raging anger.
Asking someone to just ignore hateful comments from someone we've loved all our life is simply not feasible. Please seek guidance.
This is why being a caregiver is so difficult.
When you were a child when you asked for a toy at the store, a candy, a new bike and mom or dad said no! Didn't you ever say..."I hate you". And you meant it at the time.
Do you honestly think that your mom or dad with dementia consciously says hateful things when they can't remember who you are, who their spouse of 45 years is? They can't remember that the house they are in for the last 60 years is "home"?
Yes the hurtful things that are said hurt.
But what really hurts is the fact that they are not the loving parent they once were, they are not aware of self and surroundings. You see the person that raised you decline and it hurts. They are but a shell of what they used to be.
You can no more get angry at your mom, your dad, your spouse than you can at an infant that bites your finger, pulls your hair or smears peanut butter all over the table.
That is what this forum is for, that is what a support group is for, to vent, to be able to cry and for others to say...you are doing the best you can.
And you have every right to be angry.
But be angry at the disease NOT the person with the disease.