I was my dad's POA and health care proxy when he had terminal cancer in the 90's (I was in my early 20s). Now I'm caregiving for my 90 year old mother who we suspect has dementia (test this week should confirm that). Today while driving home from work because the home health aide called to say mom seems to have a stomach bug and I'd better get home, I was thinking about these two separate instances in my life of caring for my parents. After arriving home and helping to clean up the mess in the bathroom and get mom settled into her bed, I sat down and wrote out two letters. One to my husband and one to my kids. I told them that I hope to live a long, healthy life, but if something should go catastrophically wrong at any point and I am not able to care for myself, put me in the nursing home. Don't second guess it. Don't feel bad about it. We have the insurance. JUST DO IT. Thing is, I realized today that I've had a great life. Good marriage. Awesome kids. Great career. I've traveled outside the country. I've loved and laughed. Sure there's still things I want to do. I am after all still relatively young (my 40s). But overall, I've lived a satisfying life. I'm very blessed and I don't want the people I love to ever be limited by any deficiency of my body or mind. I don't want them to go through the stress I have as a caregiver - constantly feeling torn in different directions - frustrated, tired, overwhelmed. I love my little family more than anything in the world and they deserve better than the crap I've gone through as a caregiver myself. So, find a nice place for me - someplace with a garden view and come visit me. Tell me you love me and tell me about your day. But don't take on the burden of my failing body. All this has me wondering - Do you think I should get this into some kind of legal document, something more official than just a letter signed by me? I'm really dead serious about making sure they have these directives.
I recently compared assisted living in a facility versus 24/7 home care. I was surprised, but in California with new rules about in home caregiving, it is very much more expensive to keep someone in the home when they need full time care. Also, in my experience not enough care in home may "save" money out of pocket, but can harm the caregiver/givers.. Caregiving is a challenging job. It takes good health, caring, and stamina. It is never ending. At a facility there is more than one person and typically 1-2 shifts a day.
I've read that in the south central part of the US there are nursing homes as low as about $50,000 per year.
Now the will is done, we have to work on some parts, the personal stuff. Both of us have DNR's. The kids know where to find the paperwork. Our eldest daughter is our executrix. I don't think there's a person I trust more than her.
There's a lot of personal bequests in the will--whatever, DD can handle it with aplomb. I simply DO NOT want to be a burden in any way, shape or form to my kids.
I agree with the OP---being a burden to your family can suck the soul out of them. We have fought more than we ever did as "kids". 3 sibs are simply MIA and I was fired from CG for mother and banned from the house where she lives with brother's family.
Mother and dad didn't pre-plan, and they found out, as so many of the older generation, that SS simply does NOT cut it, financially. We didn't think SS would even exist at our retirement, and to our immense surprise, looks like it will. But we saved 20% from day one of "real employment" and have invested carefully. We will have much more money at our disposal than we have now. GREAT!! And we plan to spend it.
Every family is different and some can take in their aging parents, relatives and not miss a beat. Personally, I have seen exactly ONE family where this was case. ONE. Out of, oh, my, dozens? And I think it was just due to the fact the wife who acquired a live in MIL upon getting married was an absolute saint.
Yup--get your ducks in a row and make all your wishes legal AND make sure you have money set aside for the care you might need....the best "gift" you can give your family is independence from your care. Then they can enjoy you as a person, not a "job".
(Fully understanding that in many cases, this simply can't happen--but if you can plan for yourself....that's what I meant.)
I’m thinking it was better to just drop dead. I’d prefer it.
Enjoy your life because you can find yourself handicapped and needing help suddenly and surprisingly.
I’d also put something in the document about when and under what circumstances you want your wishes set in motion.
I am handicapped and unable to work. But so far I don’t believe it’s strained my husband terribly. But he is still working and I can ‘gimp’ around and do household tasks to a point. I PAY my daughter to clean thoroughly every other week. I also try to ‘treat’ my hubby to things he enjoys. It’s working for now OK.
Ultimately it’s best to live one day at a time.
LOL...and although I urge you to get it legal, I haven’t done my legal paperwork yet, even though I keep a lawyer for advice. I’ve become spoiled. Well I was very sick this last year from January until April, lots of doctor appointments. I don’t do hospitals unless I’m unresponsive. I have a fear that’s irrational.
You’re so young to be hit in the face with this but also, lucky you. You’re ahead of most people.
Take care of yourself.
my mom also pays about 70,000 a year assisted living. my mom has a very nice sized room. with small kitchen.
its been a very good fit for us all. and they have a memory care building "next door"
they do all laundry, meals, room cleaning, meds, supply TP (may be forgetting something)
they also have some free meals for family, special parties and some holidays.
she pays for personal items.
Betsysue brings up a very good point. When you purchase Long Term Care Insurance, make sure that the policy covers both assisted living facilities and skilled nursing home facilities and also look into a Rider for Home Health Care (if the company has one). The elderly have so many options now that were not available even 10 years ago. So when you get a policy, you need to make sure that it covers as many options as possible. Expensive--YES. But then, so is being taken care of by agency caregivers in your home or living in a facility. And as many of you know, taking care of a family member in you home is not always the best solution.
My parents bought their LTC Insurance when they were 70 years old. My Dad did not use his LTC Insurance as he had a heart attack at the age of 78 after 5+ years of dealing with CHF and Pulmonary Fibrosis. He was using Oxygen 24/7 and he had trouble breathing. After Dad died, Mom and I became “roommates” and lived together for 9 years. Mom says that if we had not been living together that she would have been in an AL 4 years ago. Mom, age 87, moved into a LTC facility in May 2017 after being hospitalized and now is in a Memory Care Unit.
She is private pay because we have 2 farms. Her LTC Insurance pays for half of the cost and her SS & retirement benefits pays for the other half of the cost of the nursing home. The LTC Insurance pays for 1825 days (= 5 years when Mom will be 92). While I don’t know if she will live that long, she just might since her older sister was 91 when she died in 2017 (1 week before Mom was hospitalized.)
I will have to change my POA and POA-Healthcare as Mom is currently my POA with my Brother as Secondary and I would prefer that my Brother be Primary and his son be Secondary. It would be a bit awkward if a person who is in a Memory Care Unit (and cannot even remember how to write a check) needed to act as POA of someone else. C{:--)
If all your children would agree to honor your personal wishes--and don't disregard the possible influence of their spouses--you may not think you need anything more than your letters. However, a legal document would give them the assurance that you gave serious thought and preparation and didn't act on a whim that one or more of them might want to dispute with their siblings when the time comes. And, it might include situations you haven't thought of.
Also, if you see an Estate Planning attorney, you will very likely learn some important techniques to both prepare for your long-term care and to see that your assets are used or passed on as you want.
The attorney could also review any long-term care insurance you are considering and make recommendations about that.
LTC insurance in recent years has become terrifically expensive, IMO.
Kudos to you for looking into this now! As you know, it's difficult for your loved ones to deal with this when you're in need.
Mum has been a hospice volunteer and at 84 has watched the demise of many of her friends both physically and mentally. Very few people now drop dead, they have long drawn out deaths over months or years. What is better?
We have women on both sides of my family who lived healthy active lives into their 80’s and died after a brief illness. This is what I hope for me.
Mum is happy that Medical Assistance in Dying is available in Canada. She has it in her Heathcare POA, but it can only be implemented if she is mentally competent. If she gets dementia, it will not be an option for her.
All our documents were prepared by lawyers.
NO i do NOT sell it but i DO have it and cant telll you how glad i am !
Yes its expensive but certainly better than $100,000 or so youd end up paying out of pocket for each of you.
Im almost 80 and have had it since i was in my 50s when i first heard of it so it it should be cheaper for you.
It is a comfort to me to know that we can go from our house straight to assisted living or skilled. I have no interest in staying at home waiting for meals on wheels for our social life if we cant drive or get around.
We also have a trust and medical poas so my daughters dont have to worry about having to pull the plug. (My husband does not have children.)
Make sure theres something in paperwork about pain meds and comfort measues. Ive heard stories lately from people about facilitits denying those when people are no codes and dont want feeding tubes and/or ventilators.
Our insurance covers both assisted living and skilled.
As a side note as a result of my being the primary caregiver for my Husband I purchased Long Term Care Insurance. I hope that it will not have to be put to use (if I am that lucky the money is not "lost" the beneficiaries listed in the policy will get the $$) But the house I am living in was built handicap accessible so I will be able to age in place and if I need caregivers they can come here. (That is if I do not move to a location where Medically Assisted Suicide is legal) I figure I do not want any of my family to have to care for me the way I cared for my Husband.
An Elder Care Attorney can help you with trusts and all the papers that are needed to make your life easier.
You need people you can trust to act in your best interest for Health and Finances. It does not have to be the same person.
Sign a P.O.L.S.T. that is more detailed than a D.N.R. it gives instructions and parameters that the D.N.R. doesn't. And the P.O.L.S.T. can always be changed if your circumstances change.
Both the POLST and the Five Wishes can be downloaded.
dementia-directive.org/
So I'm pro planning. However, putting someone in a facility doesn't completely relieve you of caring for them. It just changes which burdens you bear.
We all have to accept that caring for those who cannot care for themselves is part of the human experience. We gladly care for the very young and we must care for the infirm and very old, too. You can arrange to pay for help to do the physical labor. However, you can't easily keep people who love you from caring for you when you can't care for yourself. Maybe you wouldn't even want to-for their sakes as well as your own.
But I would suggest considering an estate planning attorney; it's a broader concept than elder law, and you're still quite young yet. EP attorneys look at the entire spectrum of life, death and assets, regardless of age.
Either way, assistance by a qualified and reputable attorney, with whom you feel comfortable, would be better than a letter, which might not be considered valid if it's not witnessed or executed as a properly prepared legal directive would have to be.
I agree with contacting an Elder Law attorney. If you don't have the money or the time you can always print off an power of attorney document online and have it notarized but sitting down with an Elder Law Attorney is the absolute best way to go.
I don't know if anyone else has seen this commercial, I saw it last week and thought finally! If you Google 5 Wishes it will take you to this website agingwithdignity.org/ where you can either fill out the form online or order copies of the document to be filled out at home. You can also Google 5 wishes pdf to see what the form looks like before you purchase it and if it covers what you're looking for. I find some of the questions cumbersome and a bit wordy, like they are trying to cover everything and anything but it might be a good place to start for you to get an idea of what to talk to the attorney about.
I saw the commercial and thought THAT'S the kind of commercials we need in today's world, to get the word out because people still don't want to talk about it but it's so important to know. I feel like at the end of every pharmaceutical commercial they should say "please talk to your loved one's about what type of care you would like for yourself......"
Also it's important to plan financially for the future as well, and have the means put into place for your wishes to be carried out should you be unable to make those decisions for yourself.
You are so right, caregiving can be frustrating, tiring, and overwhelming, and it can also do damage to your own body.