What should I do with an abusive elderly brother who lives with me, has early onset dimentia (FTD), and major medical problems?
My brother is 65 years old, has nowhere to live, no one else to take care of him, and gets Social Security benefits. He has no money to go to an assisted living facility and may not even qualify because he could still do daily activities like dressing himself, showering, and fixing a sandwich or simple meals. However, he has been continually verbally abusive when he gets upset, and otherwise he’s peaceful. What I’m concerned about most is the physical abuse where he literally punched me in the face with a closed fist and knocked me out. He had been drinking, but that’s still no excuse and he has no remorse. He’s told me twice that I deserved it. He was abusive to me as a child and as a teenager. He’s unappreciative of the care. I give him the sacrifices I make for him. I lost my job because I had to spend quite a bit of time with him in the hospital and rehab last year for multiple mini-strokes. I’m at my wit's end, and I don’t know what to do. I can’t live with them anymore. I take medication for depression, anxiety, and mild PTSD and my mental health is suffering. I’m getting regular therapy, but I live with extreme anxiety every day and can’t take it anymore.
Find a battered women's shelter and they will be glad to help you do a restraining order, it's not hard at all. Get another job, or move into a rental room in someone's home. Or stay with a friend if possible. You will get off your feet quickly and be free from your lifelong abuser! Now he gets tenant law protection, unless you evict him, which takes 30 days. He assaulted you and deserves nothing but a pair of handcuffs.
You owe your physically violent and abusive brother NOTHING. Get him out and reboot your life! Not pressing charges against him for assault tells him you will take his abuse. You have been abused your entire life by this jerk.
A Judge will grant the order temporarily (2 weeks), and the police will come take him out. Then in 2 weeks you go to Court to get it finalized for years. Doesn't matter if he has health issues, the Judge will deal with him.
Find a shelter and they will help you! I did this in 1994, and got my life back quickly. I was scared to death, so I know you can do this. Save your own life!
If you don't, you will be another murder statistic. I will pray for you.
Who else is involved? Are you living in your own home or someone else’s home?
Inform them in the ER that you cannot take care of brother and he cannot safely return home without care.
It is important that, as a new member with questions you fill out your profile for us.
For instance, do you live with you brother
or
does your brother live with you?
Are you POA for your brother? Guardian?
If it is the former then you can move out, letting APS know brother's diagnosis, that he may not be safe alone, and that he needs assessment and possible placement; that you cannot deal with his FTD and do not wish to act for him as either POA or Guardian. I caution you against attempting management as POA or Guardian for a non-cooperative or combative person.
Not everything can be fixed. I know that you will understand that if you brother had NO FAMILY at all the state would be managing his care.
And that is what must happen now. The state must manage his care and you must get on with your own life. There is nothing to be done but keep brother safe until his passing and that will require an entire team and several shifts of caregivers, not a single sister who is helpless and being abused.
I am so sorry. If EMS will not take your brother, leave the premises and call APS to intervene in this abusive and out of control situation. I wish you the best and hope you'll update. Do understand that once the State takes on management you will have little to say about management of care and assets. Best to you. There's little you can do now but visit and get on with your life.
And no one that was abused or is being abused in any way should take on the care of the abuser.
You didn't fill out your profile so we don't know who else you live with, but I would say that if brother is in your home he needs to get the hell out even if you have to have him evicted, and if money is an issue he can apply for Medicaid. And if you're in his home or someone else's, then you need to get a job and move out, as far away from the dysfunction as possible.
Even if you had to temporarily go to a woman's shelter, that would certainly be better than living with a madman.
But you have to decide for yourself when enough is enough and I hope that it won't be after he's severely injured you or worse yet killed you.
Obviously the therapist you have now is not doing there job since your brother is still living with you, so I would recommend finding a new one that will speak the hard truth to you, and not sugar coat things.
"My brother is 65 years old, has no where to live, no one else to take care of him"
"My brother is 65 years old" FACT
"Has no where to live"
This is a statement about now.
The future can be CHANGED.
An Aged Care Council service can assit him with his options.
"no one else to take care of him"
UNTRUE.
Think about this.
A correction would be I am his only sibling. Or I am his only sister.
If he was an only child, what then?
Ask yourself if you have thoughts like *Family only must provide the care*.
You are the only solution - until you stand back a bit & let others in.
(I don't mean literally, like people lined up at the front door waiting to help. I mean letting people into your world, speaking up to - Doctors, Police, EMS, hopsital staff if an ER admission, Social Workers, APS).
Please don't let fear of change stop you from making yourself SAFER.