If you all have read my issues in the past here is where I am now. I had to open a new case with APS over the Labor Day weekend. I kept getting phone calls from my father’s neighbor that no lights on at the house, hadn’t seen my sister around. I was having an old caretaker go out to see if he was okay, I told her to just ask if he needed my help I would help. The caretaker text me your father doesn’t want your help and doesn’t love you. Anyway same old crap! APS went into the home and my father told her he wanted her help and the VA help. He told her my sister and her jail bird boyfriend had stole his money and his PlayStation anyway so much to get into. My dad was admitted to the hospital for UTI and my sister is under investigation for neglect. The APS worker has been communicating with me some and said she would keep me updated. My father stated now he doesn’t want help from any of his children and doesn’t want to see any of us. My other siblings have never cared about him even though I removed myself from his care 6 months ago I never stopped checking on him through an old caretaker The APS worker said he has not been deemed incompetent. I don’t get it he has dementia can’t cook or attend to his own needs. He’s in this situation due to his greed! I read in the VA report that he is scared his children are going to take his home! Totally crazy! I sometimes feel guilty that maybe I should have stayed and just ignored it all. Well he’s been in the hospital 9’days and waiting to be placed no visitor’s. I know you guys are probably reading this and saying why would I want to visit anyway. Well he is my father regardless of what he has said and done. He’s a human being and I couldn’t just completely walk away and not know what was going on APS said it was a good thing I filed he was malnutrition and had been left to care for himself.
Him having a county-appointed guardian doesn't mean you won't be able to carry on a relationship with him, but you won't be his decision-maker in any way however you could do some "gentle" advocating if you see he has a need, if he allows you to visit. If he tells the guardian he doesn't want to see you then you most likely won't be allowed. You won't have any further insight into his finances or anything of his private life. When he passes, you (as his next of kin) may be sent an accounting of how his SS and assets were spent by the guardian, and will be asked where they should mail his cremated remains. That's how it went for our family.
I'm so sorry that his sunset years are going this way for him and his family, and you. The paranoia talk about people stealing from him is classic early dementia. At this point the county won't divulge any medical info to you unless he designates you as his Medical Representative -- but that doesn't sound likely to happen.
We can't choose our families but we can choose if/how we engage with them. At least he is on APS's radar and will be getting food, shelter and medical attention. Probably not the solution you were hoping for but it's the least bad option at this point.
And you did the best thing by moving out. Do not even consider moving back in even if he asked.
Your dad made his decision. Respect that and move on.
Mourn him now because it is like he is already dead (by his choice to refuse to see you). Mourn for the father you wish you had. The relationship you won't have because of the way he is and let him go.
You did the right thing by calling APS. Your father may just be blowing hot air by saying he doesn't want to see you, in fear that he never WILL see you, so his ego is doing the bravado talking here!
My point is, go see him if that's what YOU want to do in your heart. If he kicks you out, then you will know for sure that he doesn't want to see you and that's that.
Otherwise, APS will set him up somewhere in managed care where he'll be looked after, I would think. Even though he hasn't been deemed 'incompetent', he STILL has dementia and was living in bad conditions and with malnutrition, which APS won't allow to continue.
***By suggesting you go to see him in the hospital I don't mean you should take over his CARE, which you should leave to APS in my opinion. I just think it sounds like you want to see your father, which is why I suggest a visit.*****
Wishing you the best of luck, whatever you decide to do, and hoping all this turns out in a positive fashion for both you and dad.
Sorry you are going through this. We want to be on at least speaking terms with our LO's, but very often, even in the end of their lives, we don't have that. You did your best, now walk away. You can possibly keep up with his situation through the NH, but I do not know if him having the state be his guardian--if that will mean he can choose 'no contact' and never see you again.
Maybe that's for the best? IDK. It hurts to be cut out of people's lives, esp family.
My father does have a will in place it was all done at the VA at the time he appointed me guardian and POA .I revoked the POA when my sister stepped in only because I did not want to be accused of neglect. Does anyone know if the guardianship paperwork will hold up in court?