My Mom is 94 and has dementia. Dr. says as long as she is able to maintain herself, feed herself, bathe, etc. I can do nothing. Mom swears she hears noises at night, like neighbors, and cannot sleep. She is nearly deaf. Swears same people are in the house stealing stuff from her. I find nearly all the items she says are stolen, but she refuses to acknowledge she has misplaced them. Some I don't know where they went. I have just recently installed interior cameras to watch the house and have several outside cameras that are motion activated so I can view when someone is there, I visit often and pay most all the bills as I don't want her power shut off or insurance canceled. She does not drive and I pay for a home aid to take her shopping once a week which is ok but costly to me too. Nothing I do is ever enough or right. I worry about her and don't know where to turn. Sometimes wish I did not exist. I have a copy of a POA she signed years ago, and she destroyed the original, saying all it does is give me a license to steal from her. I get no real support from family. Only have one brother and he is distant and wants nothing to do with the situation, my dear husband wants us to have OUR life and I feel terrible because I feel so responsible for caring for my Mother. It is not a life. I am depressed and do not know what to do. There is all kinds of help for people in other situations and nothing for us who deal with this kind of mental abuse. It’s all about what a person can afford. I spend nearly my entire retirement on caring for her now. I need to know how to accomplish the financial needs she has without taking away my life, she has money in the bank. I can't touch it unless I can prove she is incompetent. Just how the heck do I do that? She needs more help than I can give. I don't want to hurt her, or take her away from her yard she loves or her home. She can be so controlling it is awful. Makes me feel guilty about everything. Refuses to listen to me about her mind playing tricks on her. I am at my wits end. I cry with the hurt and seriously need someone to tell me what I can do.
Stop paying for caregivers.
Call Adult Protective Services and report a vulnerable adult living alone.
She has effectively rescinded your POA; I would not consider it in effect unless it was recorded someplace official.
You take your copy of the PoA paperwork and submit it to that clinic. Ask for the HIPAA Medical Representative form, write in your name and have your Mom sign it. If your Mom does poorly on the cognitive & memory exam then your authority should now be active and you can move forward to making decisions in her best interests, whether she agrees with them or not.
Option #2: you resign your PoA. You do as BarbBrookly suggested and stay completely away so that APS/social services can do their job. They county will eventually acquire guardianship for her and take care of all her needs and manage all her affairs. You will no longer have involvement or insight into any of her medical or financial affairs. You can still carry on a relationship with her, visit her, buy her things, etc. Usually the guardians want healthy family relationships to continue.
What you describe of your Mom's behavior is very likely dementia (forgetfulness, increasingly irrational stubbornness, paranoia, denial, complete lack of empathy for how their behavior and choices impact others, etc.)
You can't make an uncooperative person do something easily, even if you have legal authority. Your Mom will get care and protection, it just will feel awful for a while and then once she is placed things will get immensely better. You just have to remember it will get better.
"She can be so controlling it is awful." No, this is YOU not having a healthy boundary. She can only control you if you allow it.
Your husband is your #1 priority. The caregiving arrangement must not be onerous to the caregiver or else it's not working and must be changed. The ball is in your court. I wish you much clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you make decisions that will impact your life with your spouse.
You say you feel responsible caring for her. Why? Your brother doesn’t. Just because he won’t help doesn’t mean you must step in and sacrifice your mental health and financial future.
Next time she complains, tell her: “Mom, nothing I do is good enough and I obviously don’t make you happy. So I’m going to step back and let you handle things how you want. I know you have money and I cannot pay your bills or your aides anymore. You know best and you don’t trust me anyway, so I’ll let you figure it out from now on. You can call your son next time you need something.”
She’ll get mad, but maybe once you stop running to her when she snaps her fingers she will see how much you help and have a little bit of gratitude!
”I don't want to hurt her, or take her away from her yard she loves or her home.” Consider: You did not cause her dementia. You did not make her old. Placing her where she can get the care she needs is not hurting her. Quite the opposite. She has you convinced that anyplace besides her home would be mean. As long as she has you to abuse you emotionally and financially, she’s fine.
She treats you terribly and presumably always has. You are grown and have your own family. You don’t have to be the dutiful daughter anymore. Stop running to her. She doesn’t love you or appreciate all you do for her. She never will. It’s her loss!
”But it’s my mother!” Is not valid when she truly did not love you. Birthing a child does not a mother make!
Whatever you do, do NOT take your mother into your home or move into hers.
Call Adult Protective and report her as a senior at risk.
Tell them you have a paper for POA but will NOT TAKE ON THIS DUTY as she is uncooperative and undiagnosed. Ask them to open a case for state guardianship.
Stop enabling her. Do not give her money or support her or shop for her. This is allowing her not to be in the care she needs.
Again, report her to APS and say you REFUSE TO BE RESPONSIBLE for her, that you have tried to help her and cannot continue to do so.
Maybe you are thinking of Medicaid, but the person must be essentially bankrupt to qualify. All of their assets need to be spent down on care (and gifting to family is not allowed).
Because my mother got sick enough to put me on her bank accounts I moved a huge chunk of her money into a separate checking account and I use that to pay for her care. My husband is recently retired and I am close, so there is no way we could support her out of our own funds.
Maybe you could use your copy of the POA to access mom’s money for her care (she’s going to accuse you of stealing it anyway). Or get a notarized copy from the attorney who drew it up. Keep detailed records of how you spend the money.
Or maybe you will have to go to court and have her declared incompetent. Either way you should NOT spend your retirement money supporting her. The point I’m making is use HER money to pay someone else to provide HER care. Or resign entirely, as others have suggested.
Do you have kids? I’m sure you don’t want them put in a position to have to support you. And if not, what will you do for your own retirement and care?