to my sister being shockingly selfish and not helping or even calling my mom. We both live 15 minutes from my mom. I have gone above and beyond, my personality along with the fact that I LOVE my mom. I was very scared she had on-set dementia and since she can't walk, we got her to the neurologist in an ambulance. I wanted her to see him because he was her first doctor in the ER and he was the most empathetic, supportive doctor I have met. I did not tell my mom about the cognitive part because at that time (May) she was not doing well, yet she talked to him twice on the phone and agreed to come and get an evaluation. She was told walking would probably not happen, which was enough to crush both of us. I talked to the doctor privately and he told me she had some cognitive impairment and would write a letter to give to the banks, lawyers, etc. She had no idea he was accessing her brain, just thought it was her body. I am the POA of both, but I had no idea that having that diagnosis was going to be so confusing and that she could not sign beneficiaries, etc. I do not blame the doctor, but these are things I could never know and I thought I was doing the right thing. I know I made the right decision because she could not see or write checks and there was no way she could be responsible, in her condition. She did not believe me until I had to expose it due to a horrible "mistake" on the caretakers part. We are getting another evaluation in October...my mom is studying for the exam, and I love it because she is actually improving and working hard. I was told that because she was deemed incompetent if that is not changed, I have no rights, and neither does she to change beneficiaries, etc. I feel like I was in such a fog, I did not think to ask what the repercussions would be. I would love to know if we should get it reversed, and I will make sure to stay on top of all of her checkbooks, etc. I don't use any of her money for myself, but we don't have a lot and she wants to stay home with the caretaker, which is crazy expensive, so any advice would be great. Thank you...
Your post isn't making much sense to me, Debster. Sorry.
If your mother has dementia, she can't appoint POAs or change the status of her will or life insurance policies b/c she's not considered competent to do so, mentally. Which makes sense if you stop to think about it. It also makes sense that any doctor worth his license would stand by his assessment of your mother and not go back on it because you want beneficiaries to be changed for inheritance purposes. Especially since this Neurologist appears to have already written letters attesting to his diagnosis of her. How would he 'take back' what he said?
I doubt this Neurologist was 'accessing your mother's brain' but simply speaking to her, by which he would be able to ascertain her mental competence, at least to some degree, which is what doctors do, especially doctors trained in Neurology.
"Doing the right thing" for your mother means that you get her the best doctors and the best care and the truest diagnoses possible. No matter what the repercussions to your rights are, or that beneficiaries cannot change, etc. Do you not want your 'shockingly do nothing' sister to have any inheritance from your mom, is that what's going on?
I suggest that you set up an appointment for a consultation with a Certified Elder Care attorney who can explain things to you in further detail, and who can guide you a lot better than a forum of internet strangers can. Ask the EC attorney these questions you have and get straight answers one way or another. Bring up all of your concerns at that meeting and see what happens.
Whether your mother has been deemed 'incompetent' or not does not change the fact that you are her POA, and she cannot change that designation now either. I don't know if that makes you feel better or not.......?
Wishing you the best of luck with whatever is going on in all this.
I read your initial post twice, but had to sort out all the categories and relevant issues, and decided it would just take too much time. Don't feel insulted though; that's a standard approach for many here and why I sometimes just skim through the initial post and move on if it requires too much on my part. (We're volunteers here and most have their own caregiving situations to address).
I was prepared to address your own anxiety but after reading your post I realized there were so many more issues, and that you seemed to be handling them well, especially considering the situation.
Good luck; give categorization a try and I think you'll be pleased!
Are these the facts, so far?
1) Your Mom was very ill and the neurologist wrote letters declaring her incompetent.
2) You as her daughter, are POA for medical and financial/legal.
3) Your Mom was unaware at the time she was so ill that she was declared incompetent. But now, she has found out.
uhhhhmmm....
4) There are legal issues for which you need to see an attorney.
You may have been given some misleading advice: "I was told that because she was deemed incompetent if that is not changed, I have no rights, and neither does she to change beneficiaries, etc.".
Just to start off, Debster, you are the caregiver and have documents that say you are POA and DPOA, and what you need to take care of Mom daily?
Means:
Mom was unaware that the doctor (a neurologist), was making an assessment of her mental and cognitive functioning.