There must be something in the water, because the drama has been nonstop. In today's episode of "The Sick and Dysfunctional" Tinyblu had to ward off accusations that she is purposely keeping "The Family" from Dad. The truth: Of Dad's 8 remaining offspring (13 total -- that we know of), only two were in his life, me and my baby brother who committed suicide in 2012 (further evidence of dysfunction). The others pop up every now and then, but have been less of a presence since I got DPOA. There are two "daughters" however, that RARELY come to see him or communicate with him that do nothing but cause turmoil. The oldest, who lives in California, will call Dad to tell him about how her breast cancer is back and how she would come to see him, but she can't afford it. She's never there to watch the sleepless nights that result from her announcements. I've asked her to please keep her conversations with Dad positive, but she will tell Dad that I told her not to call him thus making me the bad guy. The other isn't even his daughter. She popped up when I first moved Dad to live close to me and promised to visit him monthly and help out. You know how that turned out. She calls from time to time and drops in a couple times a year -- normally on a layover to one of the exotic destinations she's visiting since she no longer has to pay for a home (we gave Dad's house to her. I didn't want that den of dysfunction). BUT these two gals LOVE to get in cahoots with each other and evil stepmom to relay how I'm PURPOSELY keeping Dad from them. Here's the thing... they keep asking Dad to come and visit them. OK... I'll put an 87 year old legally blind man with mobility issues, end stage COPD (with 24 hour oxygen) and resulting dementia on a plane for 5 hours to visit California. Or, I can put him in the car for 1.5 hours to visit his hometown overnight to visit the one with the house. This is the same woman who LOST Dad during his last visit because she let him visit the neighbor unsupervised. I'm sure she can manage his 18 scheduled meds and Morphine and Ativan as needed for the panic attacks he's sure to have because he's in a different environment. NO THANK YOU!!!! Apparently, I've made no efforts to take Dad back home to visit. You're DA** right! I don't have time because I work two jobs and it's no picnic to travel with him in his stage of decline, and did I mention, I CAN'T STAND our hometown? Oh yeah... I'm also "keeping all the money" What money? Do they realize that Dad's little nest egg is LESS than what it costs for a year of AL? So, I got the "intervention" phone call about how I should do more to "keep the family together in this trying time" HA!!!!!!!! I told the "family" that they are welcome to visit Dad at any time, and that every time I have tried to plan something, they say they are too busy or can't afford to come. Evil stepmom always starts her excuse off with "I know you don't understand this because you don't have a husband and children of your own..." and it just boils my blood. How is it that I'm doing EVERYTHING I can to manage this man's care, but I still get the SH*T end o f the stick? Why is all of this happening at once. Needless to say, I ended up hanging up the phone then saying all of the things I wish I SHOULD have said to them...but I'm perfect Tinyblu. The "golden child" who has to be perfect. The harder I try to make them understand what I'm going through, the worse it gets. I can't win... I will always be worthless to them and myself. Why do I even try?!?!
And just stay away from negative people who bad mouth you and treat you badly, you don't need that $hit. (And are you really surprised at what they say?)
Being the main caregiver for your Dad isn't easy work, and only us other caregivers understand that. The outside world has no clue at all.
Stop answering the phone when you see on the Caller ID that it is your family calling. If they leave a message, listen to that, but it becomes negative just erase that call. You don't need all the high drama.
As for Dad's traveling, seriously??? Again, people being just plain clueless. Your Dad probably sounds ok on the phone so they think he can become a frequent flyer any time. NOT. Heck, even I stopped flying a few years back because *I* couldn't take the hassle and all the stress. Long waits, security, smaller leg room. Flying sardine can.
As for the money costs, don't mention the cost per month, mention the cost per year as that becomes a huge eye opener. If someone hears $5k per month, that just rolls in one ear out the next.... but if you say the cost is $60k per year, that will get their attention.
As for your step-mom to say "I know you don't understand this because you don't have a husband and children of your own..." with that type of reasoning then school teachers can only teach if they gave birth to children.... that all pediatric doctors can only treat if they have babies at home...... divorce attorneys cannot practice until they had their own divorce... see how silly that is :P Next time someone says something like that, ask them when are coming to pick up your father to take care of him, since they apparently have more knowledge on what to do. And be serious.
If you want those people to stop calling you, ask them not to visit, but just send money. Lots of it. They will hang up on you, and stop calling. You are way to busy for guests.
Would your dad even know if you did cut them off? Just not give him the phone...and
I think I hate myself more than anyone else hates me. Please, please try not to go that route.
When we moved mthr to Memory Care, there were people who "thought"/rumored we were taking advantage of her, even though the court said otherwise. These were the same people who took one of her farms from her several years earlier. To prevent any more confusion in mthr from their phone conversations, we simply bought her a tracfone and did not register it. Simply gave it to her. She was happy to have a phone, could not figure out how to use it, and could not see that it said emergency service only. It was $10.
I was just as upset as you are from the manipulation. I am glad you have a therapist to help you. Boundaries by Cloud and Thompson was the book my therapist told me to read after getting caller id. I just found the boundaries website too.
Hang in there. Your demons are flesh and blood and you can see them. Know there is nothing personal against you, but only for what makes those demons look good in there own eyes. Letting them see that their actions bother you only feeds the demons.